SG-1 fic: Coming Home, pt 2

[smg01]

They were discussing Daniel’s current projects in light of Sarah joining the SGC, when Janet entered the commissary and approached their table.

“Janet,” Daniel smiled at her in welcome. “Please, join us.”

She took a seat. She looked at Sarah. “How are you?”

“Fine. A little dazed still, but I guess that’s to be expected.”

Janet smiled at her.

“Sarah’s going to be working at the SGC,” Daniel told Janet.

“Really?” Janet looked at her warmly.

“On a temporary basis. Then we’ll see,” Sarah clarified. “I seem to be at a crossroads these days.”

“Oh but once you’ve been here for awhile you won’t want to leave. You’ll love us,” Daniel said with enthusiasm.

“I’m sure I will,” Sarah said, but her voice was strained.

Janet smiled at her again and then tactfully changed the subject. “What have you been working on?” she asked Daniel.

He told them a bit about his latest translation project. This segued into other small talk until Daniel asked after Cassandra.

“She’s good. We just sent off a check and a lot of forms for her summer orientation.”

Seeing Sarah’s puzzled look, Janet explained. “Cassandra is my daughter. She’s just finishing up her senior year of high school and will be going away to college next year.” She shook her head disbelievingly.

“Time goes so quickly,” Daniel commented.

“Does she have any idea what she wants to study?” Sarah asked.

“Not yet,” Janet told her. “She has a lot of interests, but nothing narrowed down.”

“There’s plenty of time. I didn’t decide for sure on archaeology until my third year of university,” Sarah said.

“I changed majors four times before I settled on pre-med,” Janet said reminiscently.

“Daniel’s the lucky one who always knew what he wanted to do,” Sarah said.

“I think archaeology and linguistics chose me as much as I chose them,” Daniel said.

“I always envied people like you,” Sarah told him.

Daniel shrugged semi-apologetically.

Throughout the conversation, Sarah had been stifling yawns. Janet looked at her. “Have you been sleeping all right, Sarah?” she asked.

“I’ve been waking up some during the night,” she said carefully.

“If it’s a problem, come by the infirmary,” Janet told her. “I can give you something. Sometimes when you’re adjusting to a big change, the body just needs a little help.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good,” Janet said. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some patients to check on.” She started to walk away and then stopped.

“Sarah,” she said. “Cassie and I have a shopping trip planned for tomorrow afternoon. Sam will be joining us. I wondered if you would like to come too? I’m sure you’d like to expand your wardrobe beyond the military clothes.”

“Yes, but I don’t have any money. Or, maybe I do,” she added remembering the news that she had not been declared dead. “I’m going to have to check on that.”

Janet smiled. “Don’t worry about it. Sam and I will cover you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. If you want to go, I’ll make arrangements for Sam to pick you up. We’ll have lunch at my house and then head out.”

“Thank you for the invitation. Yes, I think I’d like that.”

“Good. I’ll tell Sam to pick you up around 11:30.” Janet smiled at both of them and left the commissary.

Daniel also made motions to stand. “I’ve got projects waiting for me too.”

Sarah spent the remainder of the day and part of the evening in the library, occupied with research.

**************************************

After a quiet evening and another restless night, Sarah got up early the next morning. She puttered about her quarters and made a start on reading The Prisoner of Azkaban.

Shortly after 11:30, Sam knocked on Sarah’s door.

“Hello Sam,” Sarah greeted her.

“Hi. Are you still up for an outing?”

“I am.”

“Great. We’ll leave whenever you’re ready.”

“I’m ready now.” Sarah put aside her book and walked out with Sam.

On the way into town Sam mentioned that she had heard the news that Sarah would be staying for awhile.

“Word really gets around quickly,” Sarah said.

Sam nodded and smiled. “The base is sort of like a small town. Gossip moves pretty quickly. Daniel must be really happy that you’re staying.”

“He is.”

“And you?”

“It seems as good a plan as any.”

Sam gave her a sympathetic look. “You’re still trying to figure out what to think aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Sam admitted.

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard. But everyone’s rooting for you. Hopefully you’ll soon feel comfortable here.”

“Everyone’s been very nice,” Sarah said. “I do feel safe here.”

“Good,” Sam said.

“Janet mentioned that her daughter is finishing high school?” Sarah said.

“Yes. Hers is an interesting story. Did Janet mention that she adopted Cassandra?”

“No.”

“She’s actually not from Earth. She was the sole survivor of a planet we visited a number of years ago. Janet wound up taking her in. We all feel very close to her.”

Seeing Sarah’s questioning look, Sam smiled and shook her head. “I’m so used to crazy things, I sometimes forget how unusual our lives are until I say things out loud.”

“I suppose I’m one of those crazy things now too,” Sarah said dolefully.

“Think of it as being part of a club,” Sam said in a conspiratorial tone.

They arrived at the Fraiser house and rang the doorbell. Cassandra opened the door and invited them in.

“Cassie, this is Sarah Gardner. Sarah, Cassie,” Sam made introductions.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Cassandra said.

“You also. Thank you for letting me join you.”

“Of course. The more the merrier,” Cassandra told her.

The two of them looked at each other. Sarah took an immediate liking to the young woman standing in front of her. She would not have know that she was an alien if she had not been told. If Cassandra knew that Sarah had once been possessed by a Goa’uld, it did not seem to bother her. It was a nice feeling.

Janet appeared in the entry way. “Welcome, come in,” she told them. “I’m glad you could join us,” she added to Sarah as she led the way to the dining room.

“I hope you like pizza, since that’s what’s on the menu. It just arrived. There’s also salad.”

“Sounds good.” Sarah bent down to pet the dog that had ambled up to her. “And who are you?” she asked.

“That’s Hanka,” Cassie answered.

“Hello, Hanka,” Sarah said, scratching him behind the ears.

They sat down to eat. After an initial awkward silence, the four of them began to converse easily and comfortably. The knowledge that Sarah would be staying with the SGC led the others to describe how they became a part of the program. Sam told the story of her work with the stargate project and her excitement when she was finally reassigned from the Pentagon when the stargate was reopened.

Janet described how mystified she had been when she was first offered and accepted the assignment at the SGC. “Nobody would tell me what the program was actually about, but of course I had to sign all of these non-disclosure agreements before I even stepped foot in the place. Being here took some getting used to. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. You never know what’s going to happen next. It keeps things interesting. And, of course, it brought me by daughter.”

“Sam said something about you not being from around here,” Sarah said to Cassie.

“Yeah. There’s no one left on my home world. I think at first they were going to find a family on the outside to adopt me, but then when we connected mom wound up adopting me.”

“From a secrecy standpoint it made things much easier,” Sam added. “It’s worked out really well. It was nice for me and the others at the SGC too, because it meant we could stay in contact with her.”

“And Jack was happy because he could visit the dog,” Cassandra added.

“What?” Sarah asked, giving Hanka a confused look.

Everybody laughed. Cassie explained. “Once I’d been here for a couple of days and he knew that I’d stay on Earth, Jack bought me a dog. He told me it was an Earth rule that all kids had to have dogs. I think the truth was that since his job doesn’t really allow him to have one of his own, he wanted one that he could visit. But I was really happy to have Harka. He’s been a good friend to me.

Conversations continued in an easy and comfortable way. Sarah looked around the table. These are really nice people she thought. It was good of them to include me.

The meal was concluded and the dishes cleared away. “I’m driving, right?” Sam said.

“Fine by me,” Janet told her. “Everybody ready to go?”

Twenty minutes later they arrived downtown. They got down to business. In quick order they found some clothing to Sarah’s taste as well as a few other essentials.

The shopping expedition continued. Sarah and Sam were making small talk when their attention was captured by the argument brewing between Janet and Cassandra over the appropriateness of various items of clothing. As the negotiations between the mother and daughter intensified, Sam and Sarah traded amused looks. “Mothers and daughters are the same everywhere and every generation, aren’t they?” Sam asked.

“It never changes,” Sarah agreed.

After a couple more stops and a few more mother/daughter debates, the quest came to a successful end. They carried their packages to the car and began the trip home.

“I’ll have an income soon. I can pay you back for this,” Sarah told Sam and Janet.

“I won’t take it,” Sam said. “This is our gift to you.”

“It’s your welcome back to Earth present. Like my dog,” Cassie said.

“With the benefit of no added costs like food and vet bills,” Janet added.

“But this is too much,” Sarah protested.

“It’s already decided,” Sam told her. “I’m sure that somewhere down the road you’ll have a chance to return the favor.”

Sara was only mildly mollified. “It still seems like I’m taking advantage,” she said.

“We wouldn’t have made the offer if we weren’t sincere. We’re doing this because we want to,” Sam assured her.

Sarah dropped the argument. “If you’re absolutely sure about this, then I guess there’s nothing left to say except thank you.”

“I am sure, and you’re welcome,” Sam said.

They had arrived back at the Fraiser home. “Thank you for inviting me to join you. I had a nice time. It was nice to meet you Cassandra,” Sarah said.

“It was nice to meet you too,” Cassandra told her.

“I’m glad you had a good time,” Janet added.

They finished their goodbyes, and Sam drove Sarah back to the base. “I’m glad you agreed to join us,” Sam said.

“So am I.”

“I don’t get a chance for these outings very often,” Sam commented. “I’m usually so focused on work. An afternoon like this is a nice change of pace for me.”

“Is it back to work tomorrow for you?”

“No, actually I’m off duty tomorrow too. I’m going to spend the day with the guy I’ve been dating. He’s recovering from some injuries. He’s a police detective. Then the day after tomorrow I’ll be going off-world for a few days on a special project.”

An image flashed through Sarah’s mind of firing a weapon at a man standing near Sam. “Was I the one who injured him?” she asked.

Sam hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly.

“I’m sorry,” Sarah said. The happiness of the afternoon diminished.

“He’s going to be fine,” Sam told her. “There’s no permanent damage. Truth be told, he shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I was torn between being worried about him and angry at him for showing up.”

“Still...” Sarah said.

“It wasn’t you doing it. Everyone understands that. Even Pete.”

They were quiet for a little while. Then Sam asked, “Did you know that I was once a host for a Tok’ra symbiote?”

“I wouldn’t have thought that would be compatible with your military service.”

“It’s not. It was sort of an accident. The symbiote was being pursued by an assassin. She was hiding within a person who was part of an off-world population that we were evacuating. When the host was mortally wounded, she jumped into me to hide.”

“We talked about the Tok’ra in my meeting with General Hammond. I thought they only took willing hosts.”

“They do. She was desperate.”

“You did not remain Tok’ra.” Sarah’s question was more of a statement.

“No. The Ashrak continued to pursue Jolinar--that was the name of the Tok’ra--and eventually she sacrificed herself to save me. It wasn’t an easy time. The good part is that that was how we learned about the Tok’ra at all. Eventually we became allies. And they saved my father’s life. He’s part of the Tok’ra now.”

Sarah nodded, listening intently.

“Positive things happened as a result of all of that, but I had a pretty rough time of it for awhile. One of the things that kept happening is that Jolinar’s memories would pop into my head at unexpected times. It was really disorienting. Sometimes it was hard to tell which memories were mine and which were hers. Many of the memories proved to be useful, but some of those memories were pretty bad. I had some terrible dreams after it all happened.”

Sarah’s expression twisted slightly. “Things keep coming into my head. The other day when I was talking to you I was also having memories of using a hand device to hurt you.”

“That’s perfectly understandable. Try to remember that it was Osiris that did those things, not you. You were as much a victim as anybody else was. More. I know how hard it can be to hold those memories as separate, but it’s important to remind yourself that they’re not you.”

“I’ll try,” Sarah said.

“Good,” Sam smiled encouragingly. “It’ll get easier.”

Sarah uttered a small sigh and offered a game smile. “I hope so.”

“What’s it like to have a father who’s a Tok’ra?” she asked.

“Actually, it’s been great. They saved his life--he would have died of cancer otherwise. We’d had a strained relationship at that time. It’s given us the chance to reconnect. When he became a Tok’ra and got his second chance at life, we got our second chance too. I’m really grateful for that. We’re very close now.”

“That’s nice,” Sarah said.

“Yeah,” Sam agreed.

“Where are you going? If you can say.”

“I’m going to be at an off-world site with my dad. We’re working on a special weapon to use against Anubis’s new soldiers. It’s the kind of stuff I really like digging into. Plus I’ll get to work with my dad. We don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like, so it’s nice when work brings us together.”

They arrived at the base. Sam got out of the car and helped Sarah collect her packages from the trunk. “Do you need some help carrying these things down?”

“No, I can get them.”

“On second thought, I better go with you to make sure you don’t run into trouble getting through security.”

They walked across the parking lot and entered the building. Sam accompanied Sarah past security and to the elevators and helped carry the packages to her quarters. Sarah thanked her again for the afternoon out and the shopping largesse. They wished each other a good night and Sam departed.

Sarah looked around her room for a moment. Then she change into some of the articles of clothing she brought back from the afternoon excursion. She tucked the other clothes into the dresser. The housekeeping duties completed, she went upstairs for a light meal.

Sarah enjoyed a quiet evening. She crawled into bed early, thinking about the events of the day and the company that she had enjoyed. It had been nice of Sam to reach out like that, she thought sleepily. Hearing Sam talk about her own experiences with the Tok’ra made her feel a little better. Maybe her dreams and memory flashes were normal. Maybe they’d start to fade. She hoped so. As relieved as she was to be free of Osiris, as good as it was to see Daniel and meet his friends, she felt empty and lost.

Once again a full night of sleep eluded her. The nightmares seemed to be getting worse rather than receding. She woke up in a cold sweat several times during the night.

**************************************

They next morning, Sarah took advantage of waking up early to go to the gym. She had noticed that when she had started her day with a workout earlier in the week it had helped her focus and calm her mind. She resolved to make exercise a part of her routine. This time, when she got to the gym, Teal’c and Daniel were there too.

“Good morning,” Teal’c said.

“Good morning. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“We try to most mornings that we’re Earthside, though we’ve missed the last few,” Daniel said. “Sam usually joins us when she can, but since she’s getting ready to leave she didn’t have time today. You?”

“It’s become part of my routine too,” she told him.

They proceeded with their workouts. Afterwards they met in the commissary for breakfast. Jack found them there as they were finishing their meal.

“Has Sam left for the Alpha site?” Daniel asked him.

“A few minutes ago. Jacob came here, and the two of them left together.” He turned to Sarah. “You were on my list of people to see. Your paperwork’s gone through. You’ve got a three month assignment here at the SGC. You’ll need to go up to personnel sometime today to get your ID and sign forms.”

“I’ll take you,” Daniel told her. He looked at Jack. “That was fast.”

“Hammond has knack for making things happen,” Jack said with admiration.

“Thank you,” Sarah said.

“No problem.” Jack gave her a nod. Then, saying that he had his own reports to catch up on, he excused himself.

“If you’re finished, I’ll take you up to personnel so you can get your ID, and then I’ll put you to work,” Daniel told Sarah.

“I’m ready,” she said.

Teal’c nodded at the two of them and went his own way while Daniel escorted Sarah to the personnel office. She signed the required papers and received her photo ID. With the official business completed, they moved to level 18. Daniel set her to work cataloging artifacts that SG-5 had brought back from a recent mission. Time passed quickly for Sarah. She appreciated having a purpose to her day.

As the day came to a close, Sarah made a stop at the infirmary. Taking Janet aside she asked about getting something to help her sleep. Janet nodded and went to the dispensary. She returned quickly and handed Sarah an envelope with a supply of tablets enclosed.

“Take one when you’re ready to go to sleep. These aren’t meant for long-term use,” she warned. “But hopefully this will help get you over the hump. Let me know how it goes.”

“I will.” Sarah accepted the pills and went to her quarters.

She spend part of the evening studying material that she had borrowed from the library. She decided to make an early night of it. She took one of the pills that Janet had given her and crawled into bed with a book. She completed a few chapters of The Goblet of Fire. By 9:30 she was sound asleep.

**************************************

She slept through the night without a single dream. She woke up later than usual the next morning feeling logy. She groaned and dragged herself out of bed. She briefly considered her usual morning workout, but decided that she lacked the energy for it. Besides, she had already gotten a late start to the day. A shower, breakfast, and a few cups of coffee helped clear her head.

She stopped by Daniel’s office to check in with him. His back was to the door as he studied one of his reference books. She paused in the doorway and watched him. An unwelcome memory came to her of standing in a temple in Egypt using a ribbon device on Daniel. She stood frozen for a moment as the scene played out in her mind. Stop it! Just stop! With an effort she pushed the memory aside. She knocked on the door. Daniel turned to her and smiled.

“Good morning,” he greeted her. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. Do you want me to continue with the cataloging I started on yesterday?”

“Please. SG-5 brought back an impressive quantity of items, didn’t they?”

“They did.”

“Everything making sense to you so far? Have you been able to find all of the reference sources that you need?”

“So far, so good. I’ll just get on with it then.” She nodded at Daniel and left for the lab that housed the artifacts that she was studying.

**************************************

Daniel directed a happy look at the door that Sarah had just walked through. There was plenty to worry about, he mused, but it was good to have his friend back. It was anybody’s guess what Anubis would do next and whether they would be able to counter it. For today, though, life was good. He took a sip of coffee, smiled, and returned his attention to the document that he had been studying.

An hour later the claxon sounded.

**************************************

Late that afternoon Daniel stopped in the commissary for a snack and a cup of coffee. It had been a hard and frustrating day, starting with a search for survivors at the Alpha Site. That was followed by trying to bridge the gap between the Tok’ra and the Jaffa, which was proving to be an exercise in frustration. At least dealing with the political situation helped keep his mind off of the worry that Sam might be beyond their help.

He was shuffling through all of these thoughts when Sarah walked into the room. He looked up as she approached the table.

“Hi Sarah. What are you up to?”

“Just taking a little break. How about you? There are all kinds rumors going around. Is something going on?”

Daniel sighed. “Sam’s missing.”

“Missing?”

“I think you already knew that she was doing research at an off-world site.”

Sarah nodded.

“It was attacked. The base was evacuated, and the self-destruct activated. We were there this morning and brought back the wounded including Sam’s father, Jacob, but there are still some unaccounted for. Sam’s one of the ones we haven’t found yet.”

“Oh Daniel. You don’t think...?”

“We don’t know. We know she wasn’t caught in the blast from the self-destruct. But she’s out there somewhere, possibly injured. And we know one of Anubis’s warrior drones is out there too. Jack and Teal’c are continuing the search. They’ll find her.” He had every confidence in the two of them, but he remained worried.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“It’s all a waiting game now.”

They were silent for awhile.

Daniel began thinking out loud. “The other bad thing is that the address for the site is supposed to be a secret. We know that the Goa’uld didn’t know about it. Somebody let information slip somewhere. Rebel Jaffa and some of the Tok’ra in need of refuge have been using the base too. Accusations are flying all over the place. This might get messy. Jacob’s going crazy, of course, because he wants to go back to look for Sam, but General Hammond wants him here to try to help sort out what happened.”

“What keeps you going through the gate? It seems like everything you do is fraught with danger,” Sarah asked after another silence.”

Daniel took a closer look at Sarah’s face. He saw her alarm and dismay and tried to reassure her. “Oh it’s not all gloom and doom. We never know what we’re going to find on the other side. We’ve met our share of danger. But most of the time I get to do straight archaeological research. Or other scientists get to study plant or animal life. There’s almost always a sense of discovery about what’s waiting for us on the other side. That’s what makes it so exciting. And sometimes funny things happen too. Though I have to admit that a lot of times things are only funny in retrospect.”

“Tell me a funny one.”

“Well let’s see,” Daniel mused. “There’s Urgo.”

“Urgo? Where’s that?”

“Urgo wasn’t a planet. He was a life form. Sort of. A scientist on another world implanted a chip into our brains. We didn’t know until later that he’d done it, though.”

“What did it do?”

“Well, it turned out to be that scientist’s way of learning about other worlds. He would implant the chip and then retrieve it at a later date. We weren’t supposed to know that it was there. But it took on a life of it’s own, called itself Urgo, and manifested to us. Of course nobody else could see or hear him, so it was like we were all talking to an imaginary friend.”

Daniel went on to explain about the food, the electric shock paddles, the efforts to get rid of Urgo. By the time he got to the part where all four of them were singing “Row, Row, Row, Your Boat,” he was smiling in spite of himself and Sarah was looking amused.

“So what finally happened? He’s not still around is he?”

“No, thank God. We were able to make contact with the scientist and he removed the chip. It drove us nuts while it was happening, but in retrospect I feel some affection for Urgo....

Happy for the distraction, Daniel cast his mind to other incidents. He described other events: Jack’s accidental marriage and aging, travel to 1969, and time loops. He carefully told the stories in ways that accentuated the ridiculous and played down the dangers. Both of them were smiling when he was finished.

Then their smiles faded and they both sighed. Daniel looked at the clock. “Well, I’ve got to get back downstairs. I’m sitting in on some of the meetings.”

“Good luck. Let me know when there’s any news?”

He nodded and left the room.

**************************************

Sarah tried to concentrate on her project at hand. After an hour of fits and starts with the material in front of her, she decided to stop. The day was nearly over anyway. She began walking restlessly through the facility. Twenty minutes later her wanderings led her to the infirmary.

Janet looked up from a chart that she was updating. “Sarah. What can I do for you?”

“Oh.” Sarah blinked and looked around as if realizing for the first time where she was. “Nothing. I was just taking a walk. I hadn’t been paying any attention to where I was going.”

Janet made a final note on the chart and then gave Sarah her full attention. “Well it gives me a chance to see how you’re doing. Did you try one of the sleeping pills last night? How did it work for you?”

“I did. I slept through the night. Except I woke up this morning feeling kind of out of it.”

“That can happen sometimes. Try taking half a tablet. That might be enough to help you sleep, but keep you from feeling so fuzzy the next morning,” the doctor advised.

“I’ll give that a try.” Sarah started to leave when Janet called her back. “Can you stay for a minute? I’ve been too busy down here to get away, but I’ve got something for you.” She gestured to Sarah to follow her to her office.

Once there, the doctor picked up a box from the corner and handed it to Sarah.

“What’s this?” Sarah asked.

“Open it up.”

Sarah opened the box. Inside was a tin of tea leaves, an infuser, teapot, and an electric kettle.

“It was Cassie’s idea. She went to an international store and found the tea, infuser, and teapot. I added the kettle.

Sarah was touched. “Thank you. That was very thoughtful.”

“We hoped it might be something homey for you.”

“It is,” Sarah replied. “Thank you.” She picked up the box and both of them began to walk out.

“Any word about Sam?” Sarah asked.

“Not yet,” Janet told her. “They’ve found other survivors and we’ve received a few more wounded. They’re still looking.”

Sarah nodded and left the infirmary. She had a light supper. Later she decided to distract herself by going to the gym and getting in the workout that she had skipped that morning. After reading for awhile, she decided to follow Janet’s advice and try half of a sleeping tablet. She went to bed. This time, she slept through the night and woke up feeling more rested than she had in recent memory.

**************************************

Sarah’s first stop after breakfast and a cup of her very own tea was Daniel’s office.

“Hi,” he said. “I was just going to find you.”

“Any news about Sam?”

“They found her yesterday evening and brought her home last night,” he told her.

“Is she all right?”

“She was pretty beat up. She’ll be in the infirmary for a little while. But it’s mostly cuts and bruises. She’s able to receive visitors if you want to see her.”

“That’s good news. I’ll stop by to see her. Is something else wrong? You look down.”

“The Tok’ra and Jaffa both seem to be going their separate ways. Our alliance is on the verge of collapse. It’s so discouraging.”

“Maybe they just need some time to cool off.”

“Maybe.”

“Anyway,” Sarah said, “Thanks for the news about Sam.”

At mid-morning, Sarah took a break and paid a visit to Sam in the infirmary.

“How are you feeling?” Sarah asked taking a seat beside her bed.

“Bored out of my mind,” Sam told her.

“How long are you going to be in here?”

“I’m due to be released this afternoon. I took a beating, but none of the injuries were serious.”

“I’m glad to hear it. I was worried when I heard you’d gone missing.”

“I can’t pretend that it wasn’t a close call. Those drones are relentless. If Teal’c and Colonel O’Neill hadn’t shown up when they did, I would have been in real trouble.”

“Instead of pretend trouble?”

“It was pretty dicey. We lost some good people,” Sam said more seriously. “But at least we know we’re on the right track with the weapon that dad and I were working on. It still needs refinement, but it took out the soldier, so that’s promising.”

“As long as there’s an upside,” Sarah commented drily. “Well, I should get back to work and let you rest.” She stood up. “You should come visit when you’re released. I’ll make you a cup of real tea.”

“You have your own now?”

“Cassie and Janet provided me with the the supplies yesterday. It was sweet of them,” Sarah said.

Sam smiled at her. “I’ll stop by.”

**************************************

The next three weeks at the SGC were uneventful. All of the teams, even SG-1, enjoyed a remarkable run of good luck. Missions went smoothly and were casualty free. An unspoken agreement existed to enjoy the peace while it lasted.

Sarah had settled into her own routine. She had developed a cordial, if distant, relationship with the other scientists on level 18. She continued weekly meetings with Dr. Thomas. Janet and Cassie had begun to include her in their regular dinner and movie nights. Even as she was establishing a comfort level of her own, Sarah’s anxiety would not fully subside. It was, if anything, growing. Random flashbacks still haunted her. She actively pushed her anxieties down and carefully presented a confident facade to those around her. Everyone had been so helpful and supportive, she was determined not to let them down. She hoped that acting the part would, in time, make it true.

An undercurrent of excitement and activity interrupted the lull. News circulated that a documentary crew was coming to the base to produce a history of the stargate program. Uncertainty seemed to surround the entire idea. The production, however, was taking place at the behest of the president so most were resigned to at least providing token cooperation. Sarah watched the varying reactions with curiosity.

“What’s the fuss about?” she asked Daniel one day as they ate lunch together.

“There’s a lot of cynicism about the media,” he explained. “And others feel uncomfortable at the idea of being in the spotlight. Plus, the program has operated in secrecy for so long, it’s hard to talk about it openly with strangers.”

“But as I understand it, the documentary itself isn’t going public.”

“No. But there’s a lot of mistrust of anyone connected with the media. And others feel like time spent on this is time taken away from our own work.”

“And how to you feel about it?” she asked.

“I guess I understand some of the reasoning behind the documentary, but it’s inconvenient. Mostly I’ve been having some fun at Bregman’s expense.”

“I hear Colonel O’Neill is pretty hostile about the whole thing.”

“Jack has been just plain hostile lately. I don’t know if that’s the only thing eating him or what. On our day mission to 866 the other day he was Mr. Crabby Pants the whole time.”

“Mr. Who? she asked, taken aback.

“Crabby Pants,” he repeated, looking a little abashed.

“Oh. I thought you said Grabby Pants. That was a new one to me.”

“Both of them giggled. The lunch hour ended and they left to resume their day’s tasks. Sarah wished him luck with any forthcoming interviews. Daniel grinned and waved at her.

That night was the first one in several that she went to bed without a sleep aid. She had used up all of her tablets and she decided that it was time to get by on her own. After a cup of tea she settled down for the night. The dreams that had retreated for the last several nights returned with a vengeance. She woke up in the middle of the night shaking, sweating, and unnerved.

She lay in bed for awhile with her heart pounding, her mind a confusion of unpleasant images. She turned on the light. She tried to distract herself with a book but could not concentrate enough to read the words. Feeling defeated, she got out of bed. She paced around the room, but found it too confining. She began pacing the hallway outside her door, still trying to clear her head. On one of her trips down the hall, she came face to face with Teal’c as he stepped off the elevator.

“Teal’c,” she said with some surprise. “What are you doing up at this hour?”

“I sometimes go to the surface for the night air.” He turned the question back to her. “Why are you up at this hour?”

“Something woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep,” she hedged.

Teal’c regarded her thoughtfully. Sarah had the uncomfortable feeling that he could see into her mind.

“Are you familiar with kel’no’reem?” he asked.

Sarah frowned. “It’s some kind of meditation, isn’t it?”

“It is similar. Jaffa who carry Goa’ulds use kel’no’reem instead of sleep. Now that I am on tretonin, I no longer need to kel’no’reem, but I still find it useful. Perhaps you would benefit from it too,” he suggested.

“Maybe. What does it involve?” she asked dubiously.

“I will show you.”

They entered Teal’c’s room. He lit the numerous candles that were spread throughout the room. He invited Sarah to have a seat and guided her through the exercise. Her breathing became deep and regular. Her mind stilled. After nearly a half an hour she opened her eyes and looked at Teal’c.

“It was helpful,” she said with surprise. “I think I’m ready to go back to bed. May I borrow a couple of candles for the future?” she asked.

“Indeed,” Teal’c told her. He blew out three candles and handed them to her.

“Thank you, Teal’c. I’ll see tomorrow.”

“Good night Sarah Gardner,” he gave her a small bow as he held the door for her.

**************************************

The next morning began like any other day. She had a workout followed by breakfast. She went to work with her cup of tea in hand. She listened with some amusement to the gossip around her about Colonel O’Neill’s latest run in with the documentary crew. Someone else added a story that they had heard about Teal’c’s interview with Bregman. They all snickered at the image of Teal’c staring impassively at his interviewer. Then they agreed that being on the other end of that stare would be intimidating.

As she returned from lunch, Sarah crossed paths with Janet at the elevator.

“Hi Janet. Are we still getting together tonight?” Sara asked.

“Absolutely. Cassie and I are looking forward to it.

Sarah smiled. “I’ll see you then.”

Janet smiled and waved as the elevator doors closed.

Later in the afternoon an uneasy buzz began to build through the SGC. No one seemed to have any details, but rumors abounded that something had gone terribly wrong that afternoon off-world. It was unusual for mission rumors to travel to the eighteenth floor so quickly. This alone seemed ominous.

Sarah walked into the break room where several of her colleagues were huddled together, comparing notes. She joined them just as Ben was saying “I know that two SG teams were sent somewhere to escort SG-13 home.”

“I heard that someone on SG-13 had been wounded and they were under attack,” Tracey added.

Have you heard anything new?” Kate asked Scott who had just entered.

“I heard from someone who talked to someone who was on level 28 when the teams came back. He said they were all pissed off. And that some of them looked like they were almost crying.”

They all looked at each other with consternation. Clearly something was wrong. After a few more minutes of speculations Ben put down his coffee cup decisively. “We’ll know what’s going on soon enough,” he said. “In the meantime, let’s get back to work.”

The others nodded and left the room to return to their projects. Sarah worked for another hour in a distracted fashion. Checking her watch, she decided that it was close enough to quitting time to stop. She tidied up her day’s work and decided to stop by the infirmary. Given the rumors that were floating around, she wondered if Janet would be too busy for a social night.

Sarah walked into a subdued infirmary. The staff on duty went about their business in a crisp, organized way, but they appeared to be in shock. On one side of the room she saw three quarters of SG-1. Sam looked like she was on the verge of tears. Daniel was pale and clearly shaken. Teal’c was visibly downcast.

With a feeling of dread, Sarah walked over to the group. They looked up as she joined them. Daniel gave her a wan smile of greeting.

“I take it things didn’t go so well this afternoon?” she said. Their faces indicated that this was an understatement. “There have been rumors that something went wrong off-world. Janet and I had plans this evening. I wanted to see if she was still up for it. Do you know if she’s with a patient?”

A terrible silence greeted her question. The members of SG-1 traded glances. Sarah noted again that one member of SG-1 was not there.

“Did something happen to Colonel O’Neill?” Sarah asked.

“He was hit by a staff weapon,” Teal’c said.

“Oh my God. Will he be all right?”

“He was gravely injured,” Teal’c said, “but he was using new body armor and that prevented his death.”

“No wonder you all look so upset,” Sarah said.

“There’s more,” Daniel said with difficulty.

Sarah looked at them. They all seemed to be searching for words.

Finally Sam said the words quickly, “Janet’s dead.”

“What?! But... I just saw her.”

“She’d gone with us to treat an airman who was seriously injured. There was a stray staff weapon shot,” Daniel said haltingly. “We’d just gotten her patient stabilized and were preparing to move him. The shot came from nowhere.”

“Dead?” Sarah repeated the word blankly. She looked from one to the other of them, trying process the news. Clearly the others were having great difficulty accepting this turn of events too. Sam and Daniel both had tears in their eyes. Teal’c looked somehow smaller.

“What about Cassie?” Sarah asked.

“Daniel and I are on the way to tell her now,” Sam said brushing a tear from her cheek. “For now, at least, I’ll have her stay with me.”

Sarah felt like she had been punched. “I can’t believe this.”

“Neither can I,” Daniel said. He sighed and looked at Sam. “I guess we’d better get this over with.”

“I guess we’d better.”

“Give Cassie a hug for me,” Sarah told them. “Let me know if there’s anything that I can do. Anything.”

“We will.” Daniel’s attempt at a reassuring smile turned into a grimace.

“Thanks Sarah,” Sam said giving her a nod. She and Daniel trailed dejectedly out of the infirmary.

Teal’c and Sarah remained behind. Both of them looked like they were trying to figure out what to do next.

At last Teal’c stirred. “If you will excuse me, I want to check on O’Neill.”

“Of course.”

They parted company grimly.

Sarah wandered into the corridor. She walked aimlessly for a few minutes. Catching sight of a clock and seeing that it was suppertime, she decided that she might as well eat. Feeling as if everything was moving in slow motion she entered the commissary and selected a few food items. She sat down and picked at her food in a desultory fashion. The atmosphere in the room was gloomy. None of the handful of diners were in the mood to talk. Sarah choked down as much of her meal as she could, but at least half of it remained uneaten when she gave up and left.

Not knowing what else to do, Sarah went to her quarters. Once there, she sank into a chair and looked uncomprehendingly around her. She tried to put from her mind the thought that she was supposed to be enjoying dinner and videos with Janet and Cassie that evening. Cassie was the one who was supposed to choose the movie. Sarah wondered what she had planned for them. Poor kid, she thought. Orphaned for the second time. Her heart went out to her. And to Daniel and Sam who were breaking the news to her.

Her mind turned to Janet. She thought back to her kindness and professionalism as a doctor. Her warmth and cheerfulness, and the growing friendship between them had meant a lot to Sarah. She hoped that Janet had known that. The shock and numbness gave way to genuine, stabbing grief. She began to cry. The tears grew into racking sobs for the young girl she liked so much who was left alone again, for the friend that she was starting to know in Janet, and for the grief that she had seen in the friends who had known and worked with the doctor for years. And she cried for herself, for her own feeling of lostness and confusion and anxiety. Once started, it was like a dam had burst. Weeks of pent up emotions were released in the tears. Tired and despondent, she fell asleep.

Sarah woke up the next morning with the feeling that something was wrong, but not sure what. Then the memories and grief of the previous day flooded back. She had spent all of her tears the night before. What remained was a dull ache.

Wearily she got out of bed. She followed her morning routine--a workout, shower, and dressing--out of habit, hardly even aware of what she was doing. She ventured into the cafeteria and ate her breakfast without tasting it. Upon finishing, she reported for work.

The atmosphere was subdued. Dr. Frasier had been well-liked and respected. Everyone was having difficulty coming to terms with her loss. The serious injuries that others had sustained were also sobering. On top of that, there was still a documentary unit running around the SGC looking for footage and interviews.

Attempts to work were interspersed with wanderings as people tried to learn the latest news. As the day went on, hints of anger began to penetrate all levels of the SGC. Rumors were spreading that an inquiry into the disastrous outcome of the latest mission was underway. No one knew quite what was supposed to have been done differently, but evidently people in Washington were doing plenty of second guessing.

Rumor became fact for Sarah when she ran into Daniel late that afternoon.

“How are you doing?” she asked.

“I’ve been better,” he sighed.

“I’ve been hearing that questions are being asked.”

Daniel’s expression hardened. “Yeah. Everything’s obvious and easy from the safety of an office a thousand miles away,” he said bitterly.

“What were you supposed to do?” Sarah asked.

“That’s just it. I’m not really sure. Woolsey was going on and on about how we lost one valuable person and almost lost a second. Like we don’t know that,” Daniel said with disgust.

Sarah murmured sympathetically.

“As if he even knows or cares about Janet or Jack or any of the other people here. They’re just names and numbers and an excuse to criticize the program,” he continued angrily.

“How much trouble can they cause?” she asked.

“That’s not entirely clear,” Daniel said. “There are some powerful people that have always had it out for General Hammond and the way the SGC is run. He’s always had a lot of support from the president, but a new administration is coming in. We’ve been through other political threats. I don’t know how big this one is yet.”

“How’s Cassie?” Sarah asked, changing the subject.

Daniel sighed again. “All things considered, not bad. I think she’s in shock like the rest of us. The sadness and anger is probably yet to come.”

“And Colonel O’Neill?” Sarah asked.

“Grouchy. He’ll make a full recovery, but he’s not feeling too good right now.”

“I hate this!” Sarah burst out vehemently.

“So do I,” Daniel said sadly.

They fell into silence. Sarah reached out to touch his shoulder. He gave her a weak smile.

“Well,” he said with resignation. “I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see you later.”

“See you later,” Sarah replied.

The next several days passed in a haze. There was a memorial service for Janet and later an off-base funeral for her. The documentary crew wrapped up their work at the SGC. Woolsey concluded his interviews and returned to Washington. Things began to return to normal despite the hole left by Janet’s death. Missions and everyday activities resumed.

For Sarah, who had been attempting to cope with anxiety since her return from the Goa’uld, the tragic end to the mission on P3X-666 only served to increase her discomfort. Her bad dreams continued. Flashbacks during her waking hours were increasing. Regular kel’no’reeming provided temporary oases of calm, but she found it harder and harder to deny to herself that it was all she could do to function day to day. Not knowing what else to do or where else to go, she maintained a placid exterior as best she could. She hoped that time and determination would help her find a way through the morass of unhappiness that consumed her.

**************************************

One morning, after another night of interrupted sleep, Daniel met her at her office.

“I have a favor to ask of you,” Daniel said to her.

“Yes?”

“I’d planned to spend most of today on this, but Sam, Teal’c, and I have been called away to Los Angeles to look into a situation there. Off and on I’ve been organizing and updating my records and logs. Well, I’ve been meaning to organize and update my records. There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be updated and placed in context with each other. I wondered if you’d pick up on the project for me? You’ve read up on most of what I’ve done and you’re familiar with my style. Do you have time?

“Sure. I guess so.”

“That’d be great,” Daniel told her. “Come on down to my lab and I’ll set you up.”

Sarah picked up her mug of tea and followed Daniel down the hallway. Once in his lab, Daniel gave Sarah a brief overview of the system he had set up. “This won’t be any problem,” she told him.

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“So what’s in Los Angeles?”

“We don’t really know yet. Apparently something odd has happened in a facility out there and they think that someone from the SGC should follow up.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“Not to my knowledge. We should be back within the day.”

“Just the three of you? Colonel O’Neill isn’t going too?”

“No. He’s still recovering.” Daniel straightened a couple of items on the counter and started for the door. “Like I said, we shouldn’t be gone for longer than today. If you run across anything that doesn’t make sense, just set it aside,” he advised her. “I can go back and catch things up later.”

“Will do,” she told him. “I hope everything goes smoothly.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you later.”

They waved at each other as he walked out of the room.

**************************************

Sarah buckled down to the project. As the morning wore on, an increasing, creeping sense of misery enveloped her. Finally it advanced to a point that she stopped, burying her face in her hands.

She heard a knock at the door. “Sarah?”

She looked up. “Colonel O’Neill.” She gave him an inquiring look. “Shouldn’t you be resting?”

“I’m well enough to be up and around. I’m just not cleared for field duty.” He turned the subject back to her. “What about you? What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” she said quickly. “Just a little tired.” She gave him a bright, if wavering, smile and looked back down at her notes.

She could feel him studying her. He entered the room and closed the door. He walked to the worktable. Wincing a little, he took a seat on the stool next to her. “Tell me.”

Still looking down, she shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she said.

He leaned slightly toward her. “Sarah.” He said it so gently that she looked up and met his eyes. “Tell me,” he said again.

Seeing compassion on his face, she crumbled. “I don’t think I can do this anymore,” she said shakily.

“This,” Jack repeated. “What you’re working on right now, or the SGC?”

She looked down again. “Everything,” she said. Her voice was barely audible.

“How long have you been feeling this way?” he asked.

She picked up a pen and fidgeted with it. “For a long time,” she admitted.

“Is it the work itself? This facility?”

She shook her head again. “It’s me,” she whispered. “Something’s wrong with me.”

“What’s wrong with you?” he probed.

I don’t know,” she said quietly. She raised her head. Sadness, anger, and despair competed within her. Suddenly, words tumbled out in a dizzying, barely coherent stream of consciousness rush. “I don’t think I really like Egyptology, or even archaeology much anymore. I’m glad to be free of the Goa’uld, to have my life back. Really I am. But I don’t even know what my life is anymore. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. Awful memories and images play in my head all the time. I try, but I can’t get past it. I feel like I’m half dead. I thought it would get better, but instead it’s getting worse. Daniel is so happy to have me back. Everybody has been so good to me. I know that I should be happy. But every time I look around, all I see are reminders of the last three years. Not to mention things like Sam going missing, you almost died, Janet did die.... I’m not like the rest of you. I’m not made for this sort of thing.” The torrent of words finally wound down. She drew in and released a ragged breath.

Jack remained quiet for a couple of minutes, giving Sarah time to compose herself. “Why is that wrong?” he finally asked.

Sarah blinked. “Well, because--” she stopped and stared at him. He gave her a steady look in return. “Because it’s done with now. I should be able to get on with my life again. I want to get on with my life again.”

“That’s not always enough.”

“You really know how to make a person feel better,” she said drily.

Jack gave her a half smile and then turned serious again. “We can’t always make things true just because we want them to be.”

“So then, what?” Sarah asked weakly.

Jack gave her a pensive look. “Here’s the thing. It’s really hard to come back from something so life changing that no one you know has experienced with you.” He picked up a paperweight and began playing with it. He hesitated, appearing to have a quiet internal debate. He gave a small nod as if he’d come to a decision and started to speak again.

“I retired from the Air Force before the stargate program was established. My last several years were in Special Forces. I’ve done and seen some terrible things in the course of my work. Things that are not pleasant to think about.” His expression was distant.

Sarah watched Jack curiously. She suspected that he rarely discussed these things. She had sometimes thought that she sensed an underlying hint of sadness in the colonel. She wondered if this was the reason. “Does it bother you?”

“Yes,” he said frankly. “It’s not always easy. I’ve known plenty of people in that line of work that have gone nuts. Some have hurt themselves or others. Everybody’s different. I have my training and my friends to rely on. I won’t deny that I’ve been through some very dark times. One of the things that helps me is knowing that I’m part of something bigger than myself. All I can do is my best every day. But there were times that I almost gave up.”

He stopped talking. He put down the paperweight that he had been hefting and picked up a pen and started doodling. Sarah looked at what he was scribbling on and silently replaced it with a piece of scratch paper. Jack gave her an apologetic look.

“Everyone is always quick to remind me that I wasn’t the one who did those things that I remember, but....” she trailed off.

“The memories are real,” he finished for her.

“Yes,” she said.

The two of them studied each other. Sarah had received plenty of sympathy, good advice, and acts of friendship in the weeks since she had been back on Earth. She appreciated every bit of it. This, however, was the first time that she felt like she was receiving genuine understanding. She had not expected it to come from a gruff military man she barely knew.

“Part of coping is finding a safe place, physical or whatever, where you can put the past in the past. It might even mean finding a new direction,” Jack said.

Sarah watched Jack. He looked like he was leading up to something.

“Do you want to be at the SGC?” Jack asked her.

“I’m grateful to Daniel for helping to arrange it.”

“No.” Jack repeated his question. “Do you want to be at the SGC?”

Sarah looked at Jack. Her eyes welled. Finally she whispered her answer: “No.”

“Do you know where you do want to be?”

Sarah shook her head unhappily. “No. I don’t fit anywhere anymore. I feel so disconnected from everything.”

Jack seemed to consider for a moment. “How would you feel about getting away from all of this?” he asked.

“Like a retreat or something?”

“Or something,” Jack answered. “I was thinking about you relocating off-world.”

Sarah looked both curious and alarmed. “With the Tok’ra?”

“Not the Tok’ra,” he said firmly.

“You don’t like them much do you?” she asked. “Why?”

“Let’s just say that my experience of “blending”--Jack used sarcastic quote fingers on the word--“was not as happy as Jacob’s.” His face darkened at the memory. “We’ll leave it at that.”

Sarah was intrigued. The man was like an onion, new layers kept appearing. Clearly there was another story here that she had never heard. Equally clearly, it was not something that he was going to discuss. She did not pursue it. He had already told her things that she was sure he did not find easy to share. She would not intrude any further on his privacy.

“All right,” she said returning to his question. “Not the Tok’ra. What do you have in mind?”

“There’s a planet called Cimmeria that we made first contact with several years ago. It’s protected by the Asgard. Technologically, they’re not on our level. One might even describe the place as rustic. But they’re good people. They would accept you easily. It’s safe. The Asgard placed a device there that eliminates any Goa’uld that come through the gate. I don’t think that you would see constant reminders of your lost years. We’re in touch with them on a regular basis, so it’s not like we would be abandoning you there never to make contact again. I wondered if you would want to give that a try. If you went and didn’t like it you wouldn’t have to stay.”

Sarah considered the proposition. The thought of making a completely fresh start was appealing. A spark of interest and hope flickered to life within her. “That’s an interesting idea,” she said slowly.

“You don’t have to decide right away. Think it over,” Jack told her. He deliberated for a few seconds then continued speaking. “They wouldn’t need to know that you were once a host if you don’t want them to, but it wouldn’t be an issue for them. When we first made contact with them there was a former host living there. Your past wouldn’t matter to them.”

“That sounds nice,” she said wistfully.

“Think about it,” Jack reiterated. “If you want, we can make a visit and you can check the place out before making your decision. You can stay for as long or as short a time as works for you.”

Sarah nodded.

“Have you talked to Daniel about how you’ve been feeling?” Jack asked.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how. He was so happy to have me back. I don’t want to disappoint him. And now I’m thinking about leaving.”

“I think he’d be more let down to know that you’ve been unhappy and didn’t tell him,” he suggested.

“I suppose,” she conceded.

“Talk to him,” he counseled. “He’ll understand more than you think. If he doesn’t, I’ll talk to him.”

Sarah’s eyes watered again, this time in gratitude. She gave him a genuine smile. “Thank you, Colonel.”

He stood up gingerly. “Oh I think by now you can call me Jack.”

“Jack, then.” Sarah also stood up and leaned toward him. “Thank you,” she whispered again.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered back.

He started moving toward the door. “I’m hungry. Do you want to get some lunch?”

“Yes,” she said. She fell in step beside him and they went to the commissary.

A few minutes later they were seated and eating. Sarah looked at Jack speculatively.

“What?” he asked.

“I was just remembering a conversation that I had with Daniel some time ago. I asked him if everything involving the gate was hazardous and he started telling me funny stories about gate travel.”

“Really?” Jack said suspiciously. “Such as?”

“Oh, he told me about someone called Urgo,” she said.

“Ah, Urgo,” he said reminiscently. “Anything else?”

Well, he might have mentioned a time when you got, um,” she coughed, “married.”

Jack’s eyes narrowed. “Did he now?”

“Perhaps there’s something you’d like to tell me about him?” Sarah suggested innocently.

“Daniel tends more for the frequently captured or otherwise imperiled than the outright embarrassing. It seems like at least two or three times a year he needs to be rescued from something. Luckily death doesn’t seem to stick to him. I’m telling you,” he gestured toward his head, “almost every single one of these grey hairs has his name on it.”

“So he has a tendency for getting into fixes?”

Jack gave an exasperated sigh. “An overdeveloped talent for it. The man is like a trouble magnet.”

“And how’s your side feeling?” Sarah asked him.

“All right, the rest of us get into trouble too,” Jack allowed. “Even so, Daniel’s talent for it stands out. The number of times I’ve had to get him out of something...” He shook his head.

“I’m not entirely surprised,” Sarah said. “He’s always been impulsive.”

“It has tempered some over the years. And I wouldn’t want this to get back to him, but he’s usually worth the trouble.”

“Yes, he is,” Sarah said with affection. She checked her watch. “I really should get back to work.”

“I’ve got to get moving too,” he said hauling himself to his feet.

“Thank you for the conversation and the offer. I’ll think about it.”

“Do that. Let me know whenever you decide. If you want to go, we’ll set it up.”

**************************************

part 1
part 3
part 4