Fic Commentary meme - Coming Home

[smg01]

sg_betty asked for Coming Home. It’s a long one, so I’m posting in at Dreamwidth where it can all go in one post. I’m happy someone asked about this one. While I see a lot of flaws in this story, I do like it and what I was trying to accomplish with it.

Part of the idea for this story came from a conversation I had with someone who was serving as a missionary. She made the comment that people who serve in the mission field or in the Peace Corps for an extended period of time often end up feeling like they don’t really have a country anymore. They love the country where they’ve served, but they’re not really of that country. And yet the U.S. isn’t quite home anymore either. I hoped to get a little bit of that feeling with this story—of no longer really fitting anywhere.


How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.--Frodo, Return of the King (movie) [I love this quote as a frame for the story. It was the first thing I thought of when I started thinking of doing this fic because I thought it fit nicely for what someone like Sarah would be going through.]


Sarah woke up as Daniel sat next to her on the hospital bed.

“It’s all right. You’re safe,” he reassured her as he reached out to touch her.

She sat up. “Daniel?”

“I’m here. It’s all over.” He held her. “You’re free.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said crying.

“Shhh... It’s not your fault.”

“I couldn’t stop it,” she said.

“We’re going to get you through this,” he said soothingly. [Straightforward. A direct lift from the show.]

Images flashed through her mind: killing her former mentor, Dr. Jordan; beating her former colleague, Steven; threatening Daniel; causing death and destruction to nameless others. Shock, horror, revulsion coursed through her. She remembered trying to stop it, trying to gain control over that thing that had invaded her body. It had been too strong. She had been reduced to a shell, watching herself perform terrible acts. Her tears stopped. She felt raw inside, too filled with hurt and violation to do more than give Daniel a hunted, haunted look.

He touched her cheek. “It’s going to be all right. You’re going to be all right.”

“Everything is so mixed up,” she said dully.

“I’m sure,” Daniel said sympathetically.

Sarah looked around the room. “Where am I?”

“We’re in the infirmary at a military base in Colorado. How much do you remember of what happened?”

“I remember opening a canopic jar. Pain. And then it all turned into a very bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from. It was like I was there, but not there. I remember doing things, but it wasn’t really me. I don’t even know what’s real and what isn’t. Is this real? Am I crazy?”

“No, you’re not crazy. This is real. You’re back.”

“How long have I been gone?”

“Three years.”

“Three years?” Sarah repeated, shocked. She slumped back in the bed trying to process the information.

“How much were you aware of what was happening?”

She thought for a moment. “It was awful. It was like I was trapped inside myself. Vivid images are jumbled up in my mind. It’s all very confusing. I... three years? she asked again, disbelievingly.

Daniel nodded. “I always believed that we would get you back.”

Sarah smiled weakly. “It’s just so hard to tell what’s real and what’s not,” she said uncertainly. [It must have been like waking up from the longest, worst nightmare ever. I wanted to try to give a feeling that she’s in complete shock and unsure if what has happened was real or what’s happening now is real. There’s so much to try to sort through and come to terms with. I wanted to try to create a sense of bewilderment for her and contrast that with Daniel just being happy and excited to have her back.]

“This is real. You’re not crazy,” Daniel reaffirmed. “I hate like hell that this has happened to you. No one should have to go through this, but you’re going to be all right. We’ll help you.”

“How? Daniel, you don’t know what I’ve done. What I’ve seen. How can it be all right again?” She began to tremble violently in her distress.

“Just rest for now.”

“That’s good advice. I’m going to give you something to help you sleep.” Both of them turned to look at the person who had appeared beside Sarah’s bed.

Sarah looked questioningly at the woman who had spoken.

“I’m Dr. Fraiser,” she introduced herself.

Sarah looked at the doctor, feeling worried and unsure.

“It’s all right,” Dr. Fraiser said with kind professionalism. “You’ve been through a big shock. A few hours of sleep will help.”

“You’re safe now, Daniel said. “And when you wake up, you’ll still be safe.” He held her hand as Janet injected Sarah with a sedative. He kissed her forehead as the drug took effect and she fell asleep.[Sarah has spent year not having any control. Now everything is confusing and scary. And Daniel just wants to be there for her.]

**************************************

“She’ll be out for awhile,” Janet told Daniel. “Why don’t you get some rest yourself? We can call you when she wakes up.”

“I don’t want her to wake up to strangers," Daniel said. He continued holding Sarah’s hand.

“It’ll be several hours before she’s awake again. You’ve got some time to step away.”

“I supposed I could use something to eat. I won’t be gone long.” He squeezed Sarah’s hand and then released it. He stood up, touched Janet’s shoulder lightly and left.

His thoughts focused on Sarah, Daniel entered the commissary. He selected some food and looked around the room for the first time. Teal’c was just sitting down at a table with Jack. Jack, Daniel noticed with a flicker of amusement, seemed only too happy to put aside the small pile of folders in front of him once Teal’c had taken a seat. Daniel moved to join them. They both looked up in welcome.

“How’s Sarah?” asked Jack.

“She’s upset, of course, but there don’t seem to be any physical complications. Dr. Fraiser gave her a sedative. She’s sleeping now, but then she should be up and around. His face showed the relief that he was feeling.

“That is good news Daniel Jackson,”Teal’c said.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Jack agreed. He looked vaguely wary.

Seeing Jack’s hint of unease, Daniel reiterated: “The operation was a success. Osiris is gone.”

“I know and that’s a good thing. I was just thinking that there might be a long road ahead.” Jack looked like he was about to elaborate, but he evidently decided to let it go. “We’ll worry about that later,” he said more affably. “In the meantime, another System Lord’s bitten the dust.” I think I could have done this exchange a bit more skillfully. I wanted to show Daniel just being excited that Sarah is back and feeling that all is well. I wanted to have Jack be more detached because he doesn’t have a prior relationship with Sarah, and see that there might be difficulty ahead.]

“And your friend has returned,” Teal’c added, looking at Daniel.

“Not a bad day’s work,” Jack said.

Daniel smiled. “Not bad at all. What are you working on, Jack?” he asked.

“Just the usual paperwork.”

“You know,” Daniel said with some sympathy, “I used to think that there was a lot of paperwork involved in academia. Between normal university red tape, grants, and other minutia, you spend a lot of time filling out forms and submitting reports and requests. It doesn’t even come close to the volume of paperwork that the military imposes. I never realized that until I joined the stargate program.

“Yeah, you’d think they’d include that in the recruitment literature, wouldn’t you?” Jack joked. “The Air Force: come for the adventure, stay for the red tape.”

Daniel laughed.

Teal’c smiled. “Such a thing does not exist among the Jaffa.”

“I suppose that’s the difference between working for the federal government and working for a god,” Jack noted. “The gods don’t care about reports filed in triplicate.” He looked briefly envious.

Complaining about paperwork instead of worrying about impending doom was a nice change. With the elimination of Osiris, the good guys could savor a win for a little while. [Paperwork’s the bane any organization isn’t it? I wanted to have a little fun with that.]

Sam had also entered the commissary. She approached the table with her own tray of food. “Room for one more?” she asked.

“Of course,” Daniel answered. “How’s Pete?”

“Doing well. He should be up and around before too long.”

“How did he take the news about the stargate?” Daniel asked.

“He thought I was kidding at first,” Sam said. “He took it pretty well when he understood that I wasn’t.” She took a sidelong glance at Jack. “It may come in handy having a connection with local law enforcement who knows about us.”

“Maybe,” Jack said. He sounded leery. “You did impress upon him the very classified nature of the information that he was getting?”

“Yes, sir. He understands. We can trust him,” Sam said.

“I hope so.” He dropped the subject. “Well, it seems that this is one day that we get happy endings for a change.” [This was pretty much just for me. It’s always bothered me that Sam was allowed to tell Pete all about the Stargate program. I wanted to show someone showing objection to it. I initially had more stuff in here about Pete being trustworthy and Sam making the case that having someone in law enforcement who knows about the program could be useful. In the end, it was too much of a detour so it got dropped.]

“How’s Sarah?” Sam asked Daniel.

“Good.”

“That’s great. I look forward to meeting her. I never knew her before Osiris took her over,” Sam said.

“You’ll like her.” Daniel stood up. “And on that note, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get back to the infirmary. I want to be there when she wakes up.”

“Daniel,” Jack said. His voice held the tone of caution that Daniel had caught earlier. “She’s going to have a lot to deal with. It may not be as easy for her to pick up her life again as she or you would like.”

“No, I realize that it’s going to take awhile. It’ll be okay, Jack. She’s free now. I’ll be there to help her.”

“We’ll all help any way we can,” Sam told Daniel. He smiled at her in acknowledgment.

“Of course,” Jack agreed seriously. “I can’t think of anybody better than you to get her through this. I just think you should be prepared. This may be a bigger adjustment than you expect.”

“I understand, Daniel said. “I’ll see you all later.” [Daniel is the one that’s usually thought of as the “people person,” but I personally think that it’s Jack who has the best instincts. A bit of foreshadowing here, while also having Jack demonstrate his perceptiveness.

On the way back to the infirmary Daniel stopped by his office to pick up some translation work. He took a seat on the bed next to Sarah’s. Soon the toll of the last several sleep-deprived nights caught up with him. He decided to lie down for a few minutes.

**************************************

Sarah woke up several hours later. She sat up, looking around the room in confusion trying to piece together fractured memories. She saw Daniel lying in the bed next to hers and watched him for a few minutes. Before long, he, too, was awake.

“Hi,” he said conversationally.

“Hi yourself,” Sarah replied.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better. Are you all right?” Sarah asked.

“Me? I’m fine.”

“You’re in the infirmary.”

“Oh, I just wanted to keep you company. I guess I dropped off myself. How long have you been awake?”

“Not long.” [Just a bit of inanity in an extraordinary situation. I liked the idea of staying by her side and wanting to be there when she woke up.]

“Good morning,” Dr. Fraiser said walking into the room. “You’re both looking brighter than you were the last time I saw you. Even if only one if you is my patient. How are you feeling?” she asked Sarah.

“All right,” she said.

“Ready to leave the infirmary?” Dr. Fraiser asked.

“Yes, I think so.”

“Good. Because I can’t think of any reason to keep you here. I’ll release you into Daniel’s care,” she said cheerfully.

Daniel smiled. Sarah smiled too, though tentatively. Both of them had risen from their beds by now. Dr. Fraiser handed Sarah a robe to put on over her hospital gown.

“We’ll send down something for you to wear. Unless you want to wear the clothes you had on when we brought you here,” Daniel told her.

Sarah looked with distaste at the bundle near her bed. “No,” she said with loathing.

Daniel and Dr. Fraiser looked at her sympathetically. Then Dr. Fraiser spoke again. “You’re probably ready for a shower by now. I’ll let Daniel show you the way. We’ll have clothes sent to you there.”

“Thanks, Janet,” Daniel said. He took Sarah by the arm and led her in the direction of the showers. Dropping her off he told her to take her time. “I’ll grab a shower too and meet you back here. Then we can get breakfast. The food in the commissary is... edible.”

“All right,” she said, feeling slightly bewildered.

“I’ll see you in a bit.” Daniel told her.

Sarah showered and dressed. She stared in the mirror trying to recognize the woman wearing blue BDUs who stared back. At least now nothing was dictating her actions and overriding her own thoughts. She was still having difficulty wrapping her mind around the news that three years had gone by since she opened that canopic jar. None of it seemed real. She sighed and left the room. [This whole thing is just more of me hitting the point that Sarah is too confused to know what she thinks or feels. The only thing that really touches her emotionally is the thought of wearing what she wore while she was a host.]

Daniel was waiting for her and took her to the commissary. Once they were seated with their trays of food, Daniel began eating hungrily. Sarah took a bite of her eggs, then put her fork down and stared at her plate.

“Not hungry? The food isn’t so awful once you acquire a taste for it. Or maybe I’ve just eaten enough MREs to think this is good,” Daniel finished with a grin.

“MREs?”

“Meal, Ready to Eat,” Daniel explained. “It’s the rations they send with us when we go on missions. They provide calories, but not so much in the way of flavor.”

“I get it. No it’s not the food,” she said getting back to his question. “Though it’s really not very good. It’s just so strange to be here.”

“I understand,” Daniel said. “I’m sure it will take some getting used to. Sarah, it’s so good to have you back. I can still hardly believe my eyes.” His smile was warm and delighted.

“Neither can I,” she said. She met his gaze, still wearing the slightly bewildered look from earlier. She picked up her fork and resolutely began to eat.

Daniel looked at her fondly. “How about I take you to a real restaurant that serves good food later. Any kind you want--Italian, Indian, Chinese--you name it.”

“All right.”

“If you’re finished, I’ll show you my office. We can talk there.”

“All right,” Sarah said again automatically. [It’s a bit of me injecting myself into a character. Emotions that I feel tend to go to my stomach, so if I’m upset I have difficulty getting food down. But Sarah has a little more of stiff upper lip than I do and forces herself to go through the motions.]

Once in Daniel’s lab, Sarah looked around the room with some affection. Though not exactly messy, it was not particularly tidy either. His work spaces always looked like that, she recalled. It was nice to know that some things had not changed. It was something familiar in the midst of her enormous confusion. She looked at some of the book titles, then glanced at some of the artifacts on his shelves. She saw a replica of a canopic jar, shivered, and turned away. [I thought putting Sarah in an environment that was very “Daniel” would allow Sarah to relax a little and feel a little more comfortable. But then I immediately wanted to throw a wrench into it by having her see an artifact that would take her right back into the nightmare years.]

Daniel pulled out one of the stools at the table and offered Sarah a seat. He took a seat across the table from her. They looked at each other for a moment. The silence began to stretch. Neither knew how to break it.

Sarah peered around the room again. She glanced down at the table to look at some of the translations that Daniel had in process. Then she looked up at Daniel. “What do I do now?” she asked helplessly.

“That’s up to you. You control your own destiny now.”

“I don’t even know who I am anymore, Daniel.”

“You’re Sarah Gardner,” he said. “You’re strong and you’re smart. You can do anything. The world--the universe--is wide open for you.”

“I suppose I could go back to academia, doing research...” she said without much enthusiasm.

“Yes. Or maybe you could stick around here. Someone with your skills would be a real asset to us. You’d bring invaluable experience.” Sarah recoiled and Daniel hastily explained. “I’m talking about your academic experience. You’d be an outstanding addition with or without your experience with Osiris. There are all kinds of things going on at the SGC. Nothing has to be decided today.”

“Do I just walk back into the lives of people I used to know and say ‘hello, I’m back’?” Sarah wondered aloud.

“That can be tricky. I’ve been declared dead a few times. It’s a hell of a process to convince people--well actually the computers--that you’re not really dead. There’ll be a lot of forms to fill out. But it’s all doable.” [Daniel’s just so casual about these things now because it’s all old hat to him. I wanted to contrast that to Sarah who’s had nothing in her life that could prepare her for this experience and has no idea how to make sense of it.]

“And my parents. Should I call them? Should I show up on their doorstep? Maybe I should send them a letter first. Or does somebody official notify them?” Sarah debated.

Daniel looked stricken. “What?” Sarah asked with a sense of foreboding.

“I should have thought to say something sooner,” Daniel said contritely. He was silent for a moment then he plunged ahead. “I’m so sorry. Your father died the year after you were taken and your mother passed away last year,” he said gently.

“Dead?” she repeated blankly. “But... I never got a chance to say goodbye. We never got to see each other again.”

“I’m so sorry,” Daniel repeated.

“This is all too much,” she said passing her hand across her eyes. “Where am I even supposed to go? Do I even have a home to go to?” [This is just more of me isolating Sarah even more and making her even more lost, grieving, and confused.]

“There are quarters here that you can use for now. It’s not The Ritz, but it’s clean and reasonably comfortable.”

“Okay,” she said flatly, hardly caring. At least that was one decision that she did not need to worry about for awhile.

“I know it all seems overwhelming right now, with everything hitting you at once,” Daniel told her. “Maybe we shouldn’t do too much yet. Do you want to see your quarters? I can stay with you until you get settled. Or I can show you around the facility.”

“I think I’d like to be alone if that’s all right,” she said wearily.

“Of course,” Daniel said. “This way.”

He led her to her room. “There’s a newspaper on the table if you want to get caught up on current events. What else can I bring you? Books? Movies? Food?”

“No. Thank you, Daniel. I don’t think I could concentrate on anything right now anyway. I think I just want to be alone.”

“Okay,” Daniel said. “If you need anything, just ask anyone you see and they’ll help you. Or,” he wrote a number down on a scrap of paper, “this is my extension. Call me anytime. I’ll be by to check in on you. And I’ll take you out for that dinner tonight.” He gave her an encouraging smile. “It’s going to be okay, I promise.”

Sarah smiled back wanly. As Daniel closed the door behind him, Sarah turned to survey the the room. She picked up the newspaper and scanned the headlines. Violence in the Middle East, civil wars in Africa, rising prices at home--it didn’t seem that much had really changed on planet Earth in the three years that she had been gone.

She put the paper down. What am I going to do now? she wondered. How do I pick up my life again? Do I even want to? I should be happy that I’m back. I am happy that I’m back. But I’m not the same. I’ve seen too much. I know too much.

Thoughts continued racing through her head. The people here have seen plenty. They probably understand everything that’s happened better than I do. Daniel seems to at least. Daniel. He’d known and cared for her before she’d been overtaken by that thing. he didn’t seem to think any less of her now that it was all over. That was a reassuring thought.

Struggling with her thoughts and confusion, she picked up the newspaper again and tried to read. Once finished with the articles, she tried to concentrate on the crossword puzzle. Eventually she drifted into a fitful sleep. She woke up when Daniel knocked on her door. [Just more of the refrain of Sarah trying to figure out what’s happened and what will be next.]

“How about we go out for some real food?” Daniel asked.

“Did you say something about Indian food earlier? I could go for some chicken curry,” she said. [I made the decision that someone from England would have had a lot of opportunities to eat and appreciate Indian food and have a liking for curry.]

“We can do that,” Daniel said. “I brought a jacket for you. It’s a little chilly outside.” He set several books on the table. “Teal’c sent these along for you. He seems to enjoy them, so I guess he thought you would too,” he said skeptically. “If you get bored later, maybe they’ll help fill the time. I’ll bring you some things from my library too.”

“Thank you,” Sarah said.

They left the base for a local Indian restaurant. Sarah remained quiet as they made their way out of the base and to Daniel’s car. The military setting was foreign and intimidating territory for her. Beyond that, she could not determine whether it was her imagination that people were staring at her curiously or if she was just feeling self-conscious. [When you’ve been through something big, you feel like everyone else knows about it and is watching you, whether they are or not.]

Sarah continued in silent reflection as Daniel negotiated the streets to the restaurant. Everything seemed familiar and foreign at the same time. Traffic, signs, noise, it all seemed like something from a distant time and place. They reached their destination. Sarah stepped from the car and looked almost timidly at the busy street and sidewalk in front of the restaurant. She followed Daniel and was relieved that it was quiet and comfortable inside. [An ongoing theme begins to develop of Sarah feeling like a foreigner on her home world.]

Once they had placed their orders, conversation began to flow. After exhausting the opening topic of the weather, Daniel started talking about some of the Earth-based archaeological research that had recently caught his attention.

“Do you still do archaeology on Earth?” Sarah asked curiously.

“I don’t have much time for it anymore. Most of my skills are put to use off-world.”

“Do you miss it?” she asked.

“Sometimes. I miss the camaraderie of being in the field on a dig. Not that there’s not just as much camaraderie with SG-1. More actually. I mean the feeling of being part of a group of people who all have the same interests. You know what I mean.”

“I do,” she nodded. “There’s nothing quite like being part of a project like that.” She said nostalgically.

“But like I said, I do get to do Earth field trips sometimes too,” Daniel continued. “Just recently I was in Honduras with one of the other scientists from the SGC in search of an old temple and an ancient device that had been kept there. It was very Indiana Jones.”

“Were there snakes?” she asked.

“Not nearly as many as in that pit that Indy got trapped in,” he laughed. [A little bit of fun as they settle into topics that interest them and can relax a little bit in each other’s company.]

“So did you find what you were looking for?”

“Yeah.” He paused and looked pained. “Of course, after we found it we were taken hostage by bandits. They were very persistent and not too polite about wanting to learn about the artifact.”

“How did you get out of it?”

“Oh, Jack and another agent already stationed in the area got us out.”

“Did you get the artifact back too?”

“We did. I think it’s going to wind up being really useful.”

Sarah shook her head. “Trouble follows you around, doesn’t it?”

“No,” he protested. “Well, maybe a little. But a lot of cool things happen too. It balances out.”

“If you say so,” she said with a small smile. She had forgotten how engaging Daniel’s enthusiasm could be. “I’ve always been more attracted to the quiet life, myself.”

“There are a lot more quiet days than actiony ones at the SGC. They just don’t get talked about,” Daniel commented.

“I’m sure,” Sarah did not look entirely convinced. [Sarah takes this bit relatively in stride, but I hoped to plant a seed reference to the trouble in Honduras would add to an undercurrent of anxiety for her.]

“So, how was your food?” Daniel asked. “Was it what you’d been hoping for?

“Good,” Sarah answered. “It feels like i haven’t had curry in years. Well, it probably because I haven’t.

“I’m glad you liked it.”

The evening had flown by without either one realizing how much time had passed. Daniel paid the bill and turned to Sarah. “I can take you back to the base, or, if you want, you can stay at my place tonight. I’ve got a guest room that you’re welcome to use. It’s no trouble at all.”

Sarah considered for a minute. “Thank you. I think I’d rather go back. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for prolonged exposure to the outside yet.”

“Okay. It’s an open invitation. If you change your mind down the road, let me know. I’ll take you back to the SGC.”

Sarah nodded.

They returned to Cheyenne Mountain and Daniel escorted Sarah to her door.

“Thank you Daniel.”

“You’re welcome. Have a good night. I’ll see you tomorrow. [I think Sarah’s clinging to some modicum of security in choosing to go back to the SGC and have a bit of protection from the “noise” of the outside world.]

**************************************

The evening out with Daniel had been good for Sarah. She was feeling more at ease than she had earlier in the day. Her eye fell on the stack of books that Daniel had brought. Remembering Daniel’s apologetic attitude about them and wondering what a Jaffa would offer as recommended reading, she walked to the table to take a look. Picking up the books she gave a surprised chuckle. “Harry Potter?!” she said. She noticed with pleasure that a new installment in the series had been published during her time away. She looked longingly at The Goblet of Fire while noting its alarming size. In the end she decided to start at the beginning again and work up to the newest book. She climbed into bed, read a few chapters of The Sorcerer’s Stone, then settled down to sleep. [I just thought it would be funny to have Teal’c be a fan of Harry Potter. I think maybe book 6 had just come out when I wrote this story, so it was on my mind to incorporate a reference to the series.]

Nightmares shattered the peace that she had enjoyed earlier that evening. Her sleep was uneasy, punctuated by images from her time with Osiris. She awoke in the morning feeling unsettled. She lay in bed, her thoughts flitting in many directions, all of them disturbing. After several minutes she determinedly got out of bed and resolved to face the day. [It seems to me that when she’s sleeping would be when all the memories of hosting Osiris would surface in the form of nightmares. That would be the hardest time to defend against all those memories.]

**************************************

Daniel and Sam boarded the elevator that would take them down to the SGC.

“How’s Pete doing?” Daniel asked.

“Good,” Sam said. “He has to take it easy for awhile, but he got to go home last night. How’s Sarah?”

“Good. Good. I took her out for dinner last night. We had a good time.”

“That’s good.” Sam hesitated and then continued. “I’ve been thinking about what Colonel O’Neill said yesterday. He may have had a point when he said that it could be a tough adjustment for her. I remember how disorienting the memories and flashbacks from Jolinar were. And I was only joined with her for a couple of days. Osiris infected Sarah for three years. Some of those memories have got to be pretty bad.”

“Are you saying that I should be worried?”

“Not exactly. It’s just that it’s a very hard thing to have memories and actions forced on you that aren’t yours. There may be some bad days ahead.” [Again the voice of someone who is a little more detached from the situation that Daniel. Sam has direct experience to offer.]

Daniel nodded his acknowledgment. “I’m headed down to see her. Do you want to come meet her?”

“I have a project that I need to finish up this morning. But I’ll come by later to introduce myself.”

They parted company. Sam went to her lab and Daniel walked to Sarah’s quarters. He knocked on her door.

“Come in,” came the call from inside.

Daniel entered and found Sarah putting on her shoes. “Good morning,” she said looking up as he walked through the door.

“Good morning,” he said with a smile. “How’d you sleep?”

“Oh, fine,” she answered dismissively. [That stiff upper lip again.] “Is there something I should be doing today?

“It’s up to you really,” Daniel replied. “Are you hungry?”

She shook her head.

“Okay, well, why don’t you come to work with me this morning. I’m working on some translations. You can come see what I do around here.” He noticed one of Teal’c’s books sitting beside the bed. “If you’d rather stay in and read, you can do that too,” he added.

“I’ll save it for later. Show me how you spend your days.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Daniel said cheerfully. “Oh, by the way, Sam’s planning to stop by to see you later. You’ll like her.”

Sarah nodded. “All right.” [Just going along, because what else is she going to do?]

They arrived at Daniel’s office. “And here we are at my office again.” He flipped the light switch, keeping up the conversation as he turned on his computer. “This is where I spend most of my time when I’m on Earth. Between translations, artifacts, and straight up research, there’s plenty to occupy me. There’s always something new coming in.”

“What are you working on now?”

“I’ve got a translation project. One of the teams recently came back from a planet where some of the Ancients had been. They brought back photographs of the writing that was along the wall of one of their structures. The Ancients were our predecessors and are still largely a mystery, so I’m always interested in anything about them that we find. The more we can learn about them, the more we may be learning about ourselves. [My beta and I discussed a little bit about whether Daniel was too forthcoming with Sarah about what he was working on and the SGC. I dialed back from what I initially had here and in other places. A lot of what Daniel is doing, I think, is trying to engage Sarah, get her interested in something. And to set up the chance to be able to work with her again.]

Sarah looked at him intently.

“What?” he asked.

“I was just thinking that life is funny sometimes.”

“Funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?” he asked lightly.

Sarah thought for a few seconds. “Both, actually. I was remembering that a few years ago you completely disappeared from the archaeology scene. Everybody assumed that you had slunk away with your tail between your legs.”

“That wasn’t so far from the truth.”

“And here you are, involved in the biggest research project of all. You just never know do you? One day you’re a laughing stock--” Daniel winced slightly. Sarah noticed. “Well, it’s true.” Daniel acknowledged that with a shrug. “But you were right. And almost nobody knows it.”

“It doesn’t really matter anymore. The work that I do here is more than satisfying. And if people in the field think I’m crazy, it doesn’t hurt me. I’m on a different path now.”

“That’s what I mean. How something looks depends on where you’re standing when you look at it.” Sarah reflected for a minute, then her face fell. “Now I’m the one who’s disappeared for years.” She sighed.

“I know it may not seem like it right now, but it works out. I came back from the dead too. It’s weird and hard and frustrating, but you get through it. It’s better than the alternative.”

“There’s that.” [I thought this was a nice moment between them. A chance for them to bond a little bit and a nod to Daniel’s past and how he sort of walked/was drummed out of a former scholarly life with colleagues.]

“Now,” he said briskly. “I do need to work on this translation. I thought you could read through some of my research notes and see what I’ve been working on?”

“Sure,” she answered.

Daniel pulled a couple of notebooks off of his shelves and handed them to her. “Here’s how it all started.”

She opened one of his notebooks. She read with interest the notes and speculations from Daniel’s early days at the SGC. Silence descended as both Daniel and Sarah occupied themselves.

A few hours later Sam knocked on the door frame of the office. “Are you too busy to take a break?”

“Hi Sam,” Daniel greeted her. “Come on in.”

“Sarah, this Major Samantha Carter.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Major Carter,” Sarah said politely.

“You too,” Sam told her. “And please, call me Sam. I wondered if you’d like to join me for coffee. Or tea. You probably drink tea.”

“Can you get a decent cup of tea here?” Sarah inquired.

Daniel and Sam looked at other, then back at Sarah. Daniel shrugged. “You can get a cup of tea. I won’t vouch for its decency.” [Yeah, yeah. British and tea. It’s a bit of stereotype. But there’s a reason for that stereotype so decided to go ahead and play into it.]

“Actually,” Sam said checking her watch. “It’s just lunchtime by now anyway. Are you hungry? We could just go eat.”

“I am, now that you mention it,” Sarah replied. “I could do with lunch.”

“Are you coming, Daniel?” Sam asked.

“I’m actually at a pretty tricky passage here that I’d rather not leave.”

“Fine. We’ll be upstairs if you decide to join us.”

“Okay,” Daniel said distractedly, looking back down at his project.

Both women looked at each other, rolled their eyes, and left the room.

**************************************

“Was he always like that?” Sam asked.

“I was just going to say that even after all this time, some things never change. It’s comforting in a way. Does he still bounce up and down when he’s really excited about something?” Sarah asked.

“Yes! And then he talks really, really fast,” Sam added.

“And then looks at you like you’re a little slow when you can’t keep up with the flow of words?”

“That’s Daniel,” Sam said. [I suppose it was bit of a trope to play into the “compare notes on Daniel,” but I don’t care. I thought it would be fun.]

They entered the commissary still chuckling and comparing notes. They picked up their food and Sam led the way to an out of the way table. Sarah took a sip of tea. She grimaced. “Daniel was right not to vouch for this.”

Sam shrugged apologetically. “If it makes you feel any better, the coffee isn’t all that good either.”

“Not really. But thanks for the solidarity.”

They smiled at each other and commenced eating. Suddenly an image flashed through Sarah’s head. She was in a laboratory of some sort directing a ribbon device at Sam, who was in obvious pain. Sarah shuddered and put down her fork, her face pale. [I don’t think I ever decided how much Sarah remembered directly, but mostly I decided not much. But that memories and images would surface without warning or context. Or that she would sort of have fuzzy memories that have an air of unreality for her. I think I could have done better with this overall throughout the story. I wanted to create a feeling of uncertainty of what’s real and what’s not, which would make it harder for her to sort things through.]

“Are you feeling ill?” Sam asked with concern.

“No,” Sarah said faintly. “I just got a shiver.” She picked up her fork again. “Someone must have walked over my grave,” she attempted to cover.

Sarah uncomfortably avoided Sam’s concerned gaze. “You’re a scientist?” she asked, turning the conversation from herself.

“Yes, my degree is in astrophysics. Though, of course, I do a lot of generalized science as well.”

“What sort of work does that entail?” Sarah asked.

Sam launched into an explanation of particles, stellar drift, waves, and naquadah. Sarah listened, trying to keep up with Sam’s enthusiastic explanations. I’m pretty sure that most of the words that she’s using are English, she thought to herself, but I have no idea what she’s saying. She managed to maintain an expression of polite interest, from time to time interjecting with questions that she hoped sounded intelligent. She was satisfied that at least she did not have to answer any questions about herself. [I rather like this—Sam prattling away happily and Sarah not having any idea what she’s talking about but grateful for the distraction.]

Jack and Teal’c approached the table with their own trays of food just as Sam was animatedly describing the calculations necessary to make sure that the SGC’s dialing computer would establish proper connections.

“Giving a science lesson?” Jack asked, taking a seat at the end of the table. Teal’c sat down beside Sam.

“She asked me about my work,” Sam said defensively.

“And I’m sure she followed every word,” Jack said with a friendly look at Sarah.

“It was very impressive,” she said diplomatically.

“Yes, it always is,” Jack said wryly.

Sam smiled and shook her head. “Sarah, have you met Colonel O’Neill and Teal’c?”

“Not formally.”

“I am pleased to meet you,” Teal’c inclined his head.

“It’s good to see you up and around,” Jack added.

“Thank you,” Sarah said. She did a double take as she looked at the large quantity of food that Teal’c had in front of him.

“Yes, we’re all envious of Teal’c’s metabolism,” Jack told Sarah.

“I can imagine,” she said with some wonder.

Sam laughed. Jack smirked. Teal’c looked like he was trying to decide whether the others were making fun of him or not.

“What have you two been up to today?” Sam asked.

“I sat in on a couple of mission debriefs this morning,” Jack said. “Teal’c and I are back to conducting flight training for the 302s this afternoon.”

“I’d forgotten about that. You’ve got that going on the rest of the week, right?” Sam asked.

“Yep,” said Jack noncommittally.

“You don’t like it?” Sarah asked.

“I like flying,” Jack said. “I just prefer to be the pilot, not take a back seat to novices. Then there are all the evaluations that have to be done afterwards.”

Sarah looked at her companions. Jack, despite his apparent grumpiness, didn’t appear to be dreading the afternoon. Sarah remembered Daniel saying at dinner the night before that Jack’s bark was often worse than his bite. Judging by the expressions of the others, the colonel just enjoyed grousing.

Sam pushed herself back from the table. “Well, good luck with that. I’ve got projects that are waiting for my attention. Sarah, do you want to stay here? Or I can take you back to Daniel’s office.”

“I think I’d like to go back to my room. Teal’c loaned me a book that I’d like to get back to. Thank you by the way. I should have said that sooner.” She directed the latter part of her comments to Teal’c.

“Harry Potter?” Sam asked with amusement.

“Indeed.”

“I was excited to see that there’s a new one out that I haven’t read.” Sarah said.

Teal’c looked gratified. Jack and Sam looked bemused.

“Okay, well, I’ll take you down to your room if you’re ready,” Sam told Sarah.

“I am.” She looked at Teal’c and Jack. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Jack said. From his seated position, Teal’c gave her a small bow of acknowledgment.

“Have fun with the flight training,” Sarah ventured to offer.

“It’s not for fun,” Jack said.

“Yes, of course,” Sarah said.

“Uh huh,” Sam added. “Let’s go.” [I’m not sure whether this part really works or not, but I like it anyway. I liked Sarah beginning to form some connections with Jack and Teal’c.]

**************************************

Sam dropped Sarah off at her room. “You’ll be okay here on your own?” she asked.

Sarah picked up the book she had started the night before. “I’ll be fine,” she said.

“Okay. If you need anything, just let someone know. I’ll leave my extension number with you.” She wrote it down and left it next to the phone. “Really, don’t hesitate to call if you want anything.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll leave you to your reading,” Sam said.

“Thanks.”

Sarah kicked off her shoes and flopped down on the bed. It had not been a bad day so far. She had been interested to see the kind of work that Daniel did. She liked his friends too. She remembered the flashback she had had while talking to Sam. She wondered if that was going to be a constant. It was unnerving to have a civil conversation with someone while carrying the memory of torturing her. She wished she knew how to stop feeling so lost.

It’s no small thing, she reflected, to learn about the existence of aliens by being possessed by one. She gave another shudder thinking of all the things that had happened while she was possessed. She allowed herself to think about the news that her parents were gone. She and they and been close. They must have been devastated when she disappeared without a trace. To come back and find out that she didn’t have them to turn to anymore made her feel like an orphan--even as an adult.

Sarah shook herself. “Stop it!” she said out loud. What’s done is done. You’re just going to have to make the best of it. You’ve got all of these people who are trying to help you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it. With a sigh, she opened the book to the place she had left off the night before. She forced herself to give her attention to the words on the page. [That stiff upper lip. And her beginning to process things a little bit and able to put a bit more coherent thought into things.]

**************************************

Daniel, still at work on his translations, looked up upon hearing a knock at his door.

“Oh, Sam. Hi! How was lunch?”

“Fine,” she said.

“Where’s Sarah?”

“I dropped her off at her room. I think she was ready for some alone time. I like her, Daniel.”

“I thought you would,” Daniel smiled. “How do you think she’s doing?”

“All things considered, fine,” Sam said cautiously. “She does seem traumatized, but that’s to be expected.”

“I’d hoped that she would be happier when we got her back,” Daniel admitted. [Letting Daniel verbalize/recognize that things aren’t instantly okay in the way that he had hoped they would be.]

“I’m sure she’ll get there. It’s just going to take time. Well, I’ve got projects waiting for me. I’ll see you later.”

“Later,” Daniel said turning back to a sheet of Ancient text.

**************************************

The afternoon at the base passed quietly. Sarah finished one book and picked up The Chamber of Secrets. There was a knock at her door. She opened it to see Daniel on the other side.

“Come in,” she invited.

Daniel entered the room. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi. Did you finish up your translation?”

“I did.”

“Did you learn anything good?”

“Well, sort of. It did give clues about some sort of technology or records that we might find on another planet. So we may have uncovered a clue about where to find a clue to things we’re looking for.”

“Sounds complicated.”

“Most things involving the Ancients are,” Daniel agreed.

“But you love that.”

“I do,” he acknowledged. He gave her a quick smile then changed topics. “I just came by to check on you. Do you want to do anything tonight? Dinner?”

“I think I’d rather stay in.”

“Would you rather be on your own?”

“Is that all right?” [Sarah needing to try to sort things out for herself. But still feeling tentative and trying to figure out and fit into expectations for her.]

“Of course. I can have a meal sent down to you if you’d like.”

“That would be nice,” Sarah said.

“No problem. I’ll take care of it. I also came by to let you know that General Hammond wants to meet with you tomorrow morning. Jack too. I’ll be there with you. We’ll meet at 8:30 in his office.”

“What’s this meeting about?” Sarah asked apprehensively.

“Nothing to be nervous about. It’s mostly just to introduce himself to you. You were out of commission for the first several hours you were here, and then he had to be away for a couple of days, so he hasn’t had a chance to say hello. Also, we can discuss options for what you might do next. And, they’ll be looking for any knowledge about the Goa’uld that you might be able to share.” [I couldn’t really think of a good reason why the conversation with Hammond wouldn’t have happened sooner—other than that I didn’t want it too. So I invented him being away once she was up and around.]

Her anxiety level rose again. “I don’t know what I can tell them,” she said unhappily. “I have memories of doing things, but I got senses of emotions more than actual thoughts from it.”

“We know that Goa’ulds don’t share with their hosts,” Daniel attempted to reassure her. “It’s not entirely unexpected if you don’t have many memories of Osiris himself.” [Daniel to the rescue to let her know that it isn’t meant to be a rancorous thing.]

“All right,” she said uneasily.

“Honestly, nobody’s out to get you. It will be okay.”

“I just don’t like to think about the time that I was... away.”

“I’ll bet. But the sooner that we can get those kinds of conversations out of the way, the sooner we can relegate all of it to the past.”

Sarah nodded.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own? I can stay if you’d like.”

“No that’s all right. I’ll just stay in and read.”

“Okay. I’ll have some food sent down for you. Let me give you my cell number in case you want someone to talk to during the night.” He handed her a sheet of paper with his number on it. “Anything else I can do for you?”

“No, you’ve done plenty, Daniel,” she said. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, then,” he gave her a quick smile. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I’ll be here,” Sarah said.

Daniel opened the door, then paused and turned around. “Have I mentioned how great it is to have you back?” he smiled.

“It’s good to be back.” She forced a smile.

“Good night,” he said.

“Good night.”

The door closed behind him. Sarah’s smile was replaced by a more troubled expression. A wave of anxiety washed over her. Images flashed through her mind in rapid succession: standing on a mother ship issuing orders, killing that curator in Chicago, devouring raw symbiotes, Ewwww!. She shook herself and wrenched her mind away from the memories that seemed to play of their own accord. Stop it! Stop it! It’s over now. Think about something else. Her thoughts turned to the next day’s interview with the General. Think of something else! She thought back to Sam’s lunchtime explanation of her job. As Sarah tried to recall some of the things that Sam had said, her heart rate and breathing steadied. Who knew I’d be able to put hard science to use on my own? she managed to joke to herself. [Just more of her trying to process for herself and gain emotional control.]

**************************************

There was a knock at her door. Sarah opened it to a young airman holding a tray of food for her. Thanking him, she took the tray and retreated back into the room. She sat down and looked at the food in front of her. The image of eating raw symbiote still lurked in her mind. She didn’t think she could deal with the serving of chicken. She settled on eating the fresh fruit and the pie. The tea, she noted sadly, had not improved any from earlier that day.

She finished her meal and looked around her room, at a loss. Carrying the food tray, she walked into the hallway. Once there, she stood indecisively, debating what to do next. She started to turn back into her room.

“Sarah Gardner,” Teal’c’s resonant voice greeted her from several yards down the hall.

“Teal’c. Your work day isn’t over yet?”

“It has, in fact, ended. I am returning home. I live here on the base.”

“You do?”

“Yes. Living off-base is problematic since I am not from this world.”

“I see. Does that bother you?”

“I am content,” he said calmly. “Do you require assistance?” he asked.

Sarah indicated the tray that she was holding. “I don’t know if I’m supposed to return this someplace now that I’m done?”

“Was your meal delivered to you?” Teal’c asked.

“Yes.”

“Someone will probably be by to pick it up. Or you may return it to the commissary. I can accompany you if you wish.”

“Would you?”

“Indeed.”

Teal’c took her to the commissary, where they returned the items. He looked at her inquiringly as they waited by the elevator.

“Have you had a tour of this facility?”

“No.”

“I would be pleased to guide you.”

Sarah hesitated for a few seconds. She hadn’t thought that she was in the mood for company, but she found Teal’c’s presence calming. “I’d like that.” [I thought Teal’c would be someone that Sarah would find calming. He’s just there and he doesn’t judge or place expectations on people. I thought it would be nice for the two of them to spend time together.]

Teal’c bowed his head and ushered her into the elevator. He started their tour on floor 18 with Daniel’s office. They worked their way through the floors. Teal’c pointed out libraries, Sam’s lab, other labs, the infirmary, and the exercise room. [In my original draft, the tour was more excruciating with a floor by floor explication of everything. (I made nice use of the Solutions wiki for it.) In the end, I decided it was just a lot of words that brought things to a grinding halt and collapsed it into a “Teal’c showed her all this stuff” kind of thing.]

“So you enjoy Harry Potter?” she said as they made their way through the facility.

“Indeed.”

“As do I,” Sarah agreed.

“O’Neill and the others do not understand.”

“I like the books.”

“I am anxious to find out what happens next. The next book will come out this summer,” he said eagerly. I have heard that the title will be Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.”

Sarah gave a little sound of pleasure. “I can’t wait to catch up.” [Just me putting my enjoyment of HP into the situation. And I thought it would be fun to inject something completely mundane, yet pop-culturey into the situation.]

They reached level 25, the floor that held quarters for Stargate personnel. “The levels below this one hold the stargate and more offices and storage facilities. I am certain that you will see those at another time,” Teal’c said.

“Is that where General Hammond’s office is located?” she asked.

“Indeed.”

“I’m supposed to meet with him tomorrow morning, so I guess I’ll be seeing those levels then.”

“Have you not yet met General Hammond?” Teal’c asked.

“No,” her forehead wrinkled a little, showing her uncertainty.

“There is nothing to fear.” [Teal’c, like Jack, is often more perceptive than he lets on.]

Sarah smiled sheepishly. She hadn’t realized that her worry was so obvious. “Thank you Teal’c.” Turning the subject she asked, “how was the flight training?”

“Everyone performed satisfactorily.”

“Satisfactorily?”

“Indeed.”

“Did you have fun?”

“We were not there for fun.”

Sarah raised an eyebrow. Teal’c returned her look. “I do enjoy flying,” he conceded.

“I thought so,” Sarah said, satisfied. [More bonding and quiet understanding between them. I thought it would be a nice touch to have Teal’c reach out to her without being overly kind or solicitous, but just being Teal’c.]

Teal’c came to a stop. “This is the door to my quarters. I will say good night here. Should you need assistance during the night, you may knock on my door.”

“Good night, Teal’c. Thank you for the tour.”

“You are most welcome.” He bowed and entered his quarters.

Sarah continued down the hallway to her room. She did not want to go out--not that she really had anywhere to go or was sure if she was allowed to anyway--but she could not settle either. She paced back and forth across the room, trying to work off the nervous energy that had unaccountably seized her. Twenty minutes later she felt a little better. She performed her bedtime routines and climbed into bed with a book.

She read late into the night. She preferred not to admit to herself that she was delaying turning out the light and going to sleep because she was afraid of the dreams that might come. Eventually she could no longer avoid the inevitable. She turned out the light and allowed sleep to take her.

**************************************

Sarah rose early the next morning after another restless night of disturbing dreams. She took advantage of her newfound knowledge of the base to go to the gym. Half an hour on the treadmill, a shower, and breakfast fortified her to face the day. Shortly before 8:30, Daniel knocked on her door to escort her to her meeting. [This is the beginning of Sarah starting to come up with a routine for herself.]

They waited in the briefing room for Hammond to finish a phone call. Soon after Daniel’s and Sarah’s arrival, Jack joined them. The three of them traded greetings while General Hammond waved at them through the window indicating that he would be another minute.

“Teal’c told me last night that everyone performed satisfactorily in the flight training,” Sarah said conversationally to Jack.

“Ah, Teal’c,” Jack said reflectively. “Someday, we’ll succeed in getting him to be more restrained in his assessments.”

“I can see where his effusiveness could become a problem,” Sarah’s dry tone matched Jack’s. “You have more flight training today?”

“This afternoon,” he answered.

“When did you see Teal’c?” Daniel asked Sarah.

“Last night. We met by chance last night in the hall. He gave me a tour of the base and we talked for awhile.”

“I would have taken you around,” Daniel said.

“I know. I planned to stay in. I just happened to run into Teal’c, and he offered. He was good company.”

“As long as you don’t feel like I was neglecting you,” Daniel said. [Daniel continues to be anxious make everything “okay” for Sarah.]

“Not at all.”

General Hammond’s phone call ended and he walked into the briefing room. “Good morning. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to meet you prior to today, Dr. Gardner. I’m General Hammond.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Sarah said.

“Please have a seat,” Hammond said indicating a chair for Sarah. He sat down at the head of the table.

Daniel took a seat next to Sarah, while Jack seated himself across the table from them.

“How are you coming with the transition?” Hammond asked.

“Everyone has been very nice,” she said carefully. [uh oh]

There was a brief silence. She noticed Jack giving her a sharp look. [There’s Jack, noticing everything again.] She recalled Daniel mentioning in passing that Jack was far more perceptive than many people recognized. Seeing the way Jack seemed to be assessing her she thought she understood what Daniel meant. She cleared her throat and avoided Jack’s eyes.

“I’m glad you’ve been made welcome,” General Hammond said smoothly. [Hammond notices too, but tactfully moves past on.]

Sarah gave him a tight smile.

“There are a few things we should discuss.”

Sarah nodded.

“You’ve spend three years with the Goa’uld, Anubis among them. Is there anything you can tell us about his plans or activities?”

“I don’t think so,” Sarah said nervously. She spoke haltingly. “Daniel told me you would be interested in this. Honestly, I’m not sure if I ever did know anything. Not really. I remember things happening. I remember doing things. But it was like I was just watching it happen. Or like being a puppet dancing on the end of a string. It’s like having something coiled inside your head.” She gave a bitter laugh. “I guess it’s exactly like having something coiled inside your head. I was there, but I couldn’t get out. I could sense the cold... evil, for lack of a better word, coming from Osiris. I couldn’t stop him from taking everything from me, but couldn’t get any of his thoughts. Sometimes I thought I could feel him laughing at me while I screamed to get out.” She could feel her heart rate accelerating as she recounted the experience of being possessed.

Daniel put his hand on her arm and squeezed it gently, supportively. She gave him a fleeting, grateful glance. She looked at Jack. His face was inscrutable, closed. Tension and anger seemed to emanate from him, but she did not think that it was directed at her. [This would all be bringing back bad memories for Jack. First of Hathor implanting the Goa’uld and then of Kanan highjacking his body to serve his own agenda.]

General Hammond nodded in response to her words. “I’m not surprised.”

Jack elaborated. “We’ve known former hosts. The same has been true for most of them. We know that Goa’ulds are able to segregate their thoughts from the host.” His expression hardened. He paused, then evenly resumed his thought. “And Daniel mentioned to us that your memories of those years are unclear.”

Sarah looked at Daniel again. She should have known that he would pave the way for her. [Daniel so wants to make things smooth for her.]

Sarah turned back to Jack who was still speaking. “If memories come to you that you think would be useful--or even if you think they wouldn’t--please pass them along. There may be more interviews. Your memory may be jogged and things may come to you with time. But it’s not unexpected that you don’t have intelligence to share. Intelligence about the Goa’uld. I’m sure you have plenty of intelligence about plenty of other things.” [I thought it would be a nice touch to have Jack recognize what was going on and deliberately release the tension.]

Sarah gave Jack a raised eyebrow. Jack’s expression was deadpan, but she thought she saw a subtle glint in his eyes. She was sure that he had deliberately dissembled. It had the effect of lightening the mood. She noticed that even Hammond suppressed a smile before he changed the subject.

[In all honesty, I’m not really thrilled with this bit that involves trying to get intelligence. I thought it needed to be there. And probably I needed to make a lot more of it. But it didn’t really interest me all that much and I wasn’t really sure what to do with it and I think it shows. I just didn’t want the story to turn into the political and intelligence aspects of what to do with a former host, because I was more interested in the emotional aspects of the aftermath for Sarah.]

The other thing that needs discussion is your future plans,” Hammond said.

Sarah sighed and looked uncertain again.

“As it turns out, you were never legally declared dead. Officially you are missing.”

“Really?” Sarah said with surprise.

“I’m guessing that you’re parents never wanted to give up and couldn’t bring themselves to start the process of having you declared legally dead before they passed away themselves. And you haven’t been gone long enough to be automatically declared dead,” Daniel added.

“In some ways this makes things less complicated,” Hammond said. “If you decide that you’d like to pick up the life you left, we’ll come up with a cover story for these past three years. You’ll need to sign non-disclosure agreements about the stargate and everything connected with the program, of course. If that’s what you want to do, we’ll see if we can make it happen.”

“Or,” Daniel offered, “you could stay with us here and join the program. We could use someone with your credentials. It’s rewarding work. I know that you’d be a valuable asset. And you’d get to work with me,” he finished with a coaxing smile. [And voila! Magically we have a reason for Sarah to be around for awhile.]

“Would I be going through the stargate?” Sarah asked. She felt distinctly unenthusiastic about the prospect.

“No,” Jack said. “We have civilian scientists on staff. Some occasionally go through the gate, most never do. There’s plenty of work to be done right here on the base. You’d have to go through a lot training before you’d be going off-world anyway."

Sarah nodded her understanding, relieved.

“You should also know that the Tok’ra have also made an offer. If you want to join them they have a place for you. They did also mention that they always have a need for Hosts,” Hammond said neutrally.

“They want me as a host?” Sarah asked, dismayed.

“The Tok’ra are different.” Daniel explained. “They’re philosophically opposed to everything that the Goa’uld stand for. They blend symbiotically with their hosts rather than taking them over. And they only blend with willing hosts. It wouldn’t be like your experience with Osiris.”

Jack snorted. [Jack’s not getting over his blending experience any time soon.]

Daniel gave Jack an impatient look while Sarah gave him a curious one. There was a brief silence, but Jack did not expand on his apparent dissent.

“I don’t think I’m interested in sharing my body with any more alien life forms,” Sarah said.

“I understand,” Hammond told her. “We have an obligation to present every offer that’s on the table. Do you have any thoughts as to what you do want to do?”

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to step into my old life. Not after everything thats happened. I don’t know how I can go back there knowing what I know and having experienced what I’ve experienced. Is it possible to work here on a trial basis? I don’t know that I’m cut out for this. And you may not really like what I have to offer.”

“We could put you on a short term contract. Given everything that you’ve been through, getting clearance for you shouldn’t be a problem. In fact, given what you already know, this is probably one of the safest places for you. We could set up a three month contract and reevaluate at the end of that period,” Hammond said. [ I’m not sure if this is an entirely legit turn, but I didn’t think it was completely out there either. And it allows me to go where I want to go for the interpersonal aspects of the story.]

“You would do that?”

“I can start the paperwork today.”

Sarah nodded. “Okay, let’s try it.”

It’ll be great to work together again,” Daniel enthused. “Like old times.”

“Sure,” she said quietly.

“One other thing,” Hammond said. “We’re going to set up a few appointments for you with Dr. Thomas. She’s one of the base psychologists.”

“A psychologist?” Sarah asked doubtfully.

“I can’t order you to go but I highly recommend it. But we’d like for you to meet with her at least once.” [When I first started planning this story, I thought there should a few sessions with Sarah meeting with a counselor. Frankly, I got tired. And I felt like the ground that I would have them cover would be redundant to what I was already writing about what Sarah was thinking and feeling. I decided to make a couple of references to appointments and leave it at that.]

“You’ll like Dr. Thomas. She’s very nice,” Daniel reassured.

“Okay,” Sarah said.

“Well, that’s settled then,” Jack said getting to his feet. “And now, I have some pilot training for which to prepare.”

“Where everyone will perform satisfactorily?” Sarah asked.

“We can only hope,” he said solemnly.

“Go ahead,” Hammond told Jack.

Jack gave Sarah a nod, tapped Daniel’s shoulder, and left the room.

“I’ll get started on the paperwork, Dr. Gardner,” Hammond told her.

“Thank you.”

Hammond smiled at her. “All right. We’re done here. Have a good day.”

Sarah rose from her seat. “Thank you General Hammond.”

“Yes, thank you General,” Daniel said.

Daniel gave Sarah a pleased smile as they walked out. “I’m so glad you’ve decided to stay.” [The optimist.]

“This is just a trial,” she warned him. “I’m not at all sure that I’ll be staying long term.”

“Oh, I know. But I hope you like it enough to stay.”

“We’ll see,” she said. {The skeptic]

“Want to come up to my office? You can do some more background reading.”

“Sure.”

They spent the remainder of the morning quietly. Daniel was working on a new set of translations. Sarah was absorbed in her reading.

Shortly after noon, Sarah’s stomach rumbled loudly. Daniel looked up and grinned at her. “Well it is lunchtime. What say we go eat?”

“Let’s,” Sarah agreed.

**************************************

They were discussing Daniel’s current projects in light of Sarah joining the SGC, when Janet entered the commissary and approached their table.

“Janet,” Daniel smiled at her in welcome. “Please, join us.”

She took a seat. She looked at Sarah. “How are you?”

“Fine. A little dazed still, but I guess that’s to be expected.”

Janet smiled at her.

“Sarah’s going to be working at the SGC,” Daniel told Janet.

“Really?” Janet looked at her warmly.

“On a temporary basis. Then we’ll see,” Sarah clarified. “I seem to be at a crossroads these days.”

“Oh but once you’ve been here for awhile you won’t want to leave. You’ll love us,” Daniel said with enthusiasm.

“I’m sure I will,” Sarah said, but her voice was strained.

Janet smiled at her again and then tactfully changed the subject. “What have you been working on?” she asked Daniel.

He told them a bit about his latest translation project. This segued into other small talk until Daniel asked after Cassandra.

“She’s good. We just sent off a check and a lot of forms for her summer orientation.”

Seeing Sarah’s puzzled look, Janet explained. “Cassandra is my daughter. She’s just finishing up her senior year of high school and will be going away to college next year.” She shook her head disbelievingly.

“Time goes so quickly,” Daniel commented.

“Does she have any idea what she wants to study?” Sarah asked.

“Not yet,” Janet told her. “She has a lot of interests, but nothing narrowed down.”

“There’s plenty of time. I didn’t decide for sure on archaeology until my third year of university,” Sarah said.

“I changed majors four times before I settled on pre-med,” Janet said reminiscently.

“Daniel’s the lucky one who always knew what he wanted to do,” Sarah said.

“I think archaeology and linguistics chose me as much as I chose them,” Daniel said.

“I always envied people like you,” Sarah told him. [I wanted to do a couple of things here. One, I wanted to have Sarah finally have a normal, everyday conversation. I also wanted to start Sarah and Janet on a friendship.]

Daniel shrugged semi-apologetically.

Throughout the conversation, Sarah had been stifling yawns. Janet looked at her. “Have you been sleeping all right, Sarah?” she asked.

“I’ve been waking up some during the night,” she said carefully.

“If it’s a problem, come by the infirmary,” Janet told her. “I can give you something. Sometimes when you’re adjusting to a big change, the body just needs a little help.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good,” Janet said. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some patients to check on.” She started to walk away and then stopped.

“Sarah,” she said. “Cassie and I have a shopping trip planned for tomorrow afternoon. Sam will be joining us. I wondered if you would like to come too? I’m sure you’d like to expand your wardrobe beyond the military clothes.” [A chance to get Sarah out of the SGC and interacting with people in a fun, no pressure sort of way. I liked having Janet reach out.]

“Yes, but I don’t have any money. Or, maybe I do,” she added remembering the news that she had not been declared dead. “I’m going to have to check on that.”

Janet smiled. “Don’t worry about it. Sam and I will cover you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. If you want to go, I’ll make arrangements for Sam to pick you up. We’ll have lunch at my house and then head out.”

“Thank you for the invitation. Yes, I think I’d like that.”

“Good. I’ll tell Sam to pick you up around 11:30.” Janet smiled at both of them and left the commissary.

Daniel also made motions to stand. “I’ve got projects waiting for me too.”

Sarah spent the remainder of the day and part of the evening in the library, occupied with research.

**************************************

After a quiet evening and another restless night, Sarah got up early the next morning. She puttered about her quarters and made a start on reading The Prisoner of Azkaban.

Shortly after 11:30, Sam knocked on Sarah’s door.

“Hello Sam,” Sarah greeted her.

“Hi. Are you still up for an outing?”

“I am.”

“Great. We’ll leave whenever you’re ready.”

“I’m ready now.” Sarah put aside her book and walked out with Sam.

On the way into town Sam mentioned that she had heard the news that Sarah would be staying for awhile.

“Word really gets around quickly,” Sarah said.

Sam nodded and smiled. “The base is sort of like a small town. Gossip moves pretty quickly. Daniel must be really happy that you’re staying.”

“He is.”

“And you?”

“It seems as good a plan as any.”

Sam gave her a sympathetic look. “You’re still trying to figure out what to think aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Sam admitted.

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard. But everyone’s rooting for you. Hopefully you’ll soon feel comfortable here.”

“Everyone’s been very nice,” Sarah said. “I do feel safe here.”

“Good,” Sam said.

“Janet mentioned that her daughter is finishing high school?” Sarah said.

“Yes. Hers is an interesting story. Did Janet mention that she adopted Cassandra?”

“No.”

“She’s actually not from Earth. She was the sole survivor of a planet we visited a number of years ago. Janet wound up taking her in. We all feel very close to her.”

Seeing Sarah’s questioning look, Sam smiled and shook her head. “I’m so used to crazy things, I sometimes forget how unusual our lives are until I say things out loud.”

“I suppose I’m one of those crazy things now too,” Sarah said dolefully.

“Think of it as being part of a club,” Sam said in a conspiratorial tone. [I looked at this as a way for Sarah to learn that others had been through traumas and gotten through it.]

They arrived at the Fraiser house and rang the doorbell. Cassandra opened the door and invited them in.

“Cassie, this is Sarah Gardner. Sarah, Cassie,” Sam made introductions.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Cassandra said.

“Thank you for letting me join you.”

“Of course. The more the merrier,” Cassandra told her.

The two of them looked at each other. Sarah took an immediate liking to the young woman standing in front of her. She would not have known that she was an alien if she had not been told. If Cassandra knew that Sarah had once been possessed by a Goa’uld, it did not seem to bother her. It was a nice feeling. [A chance to interact with someone without the weight of being a former host hanging over the interaction.]

Janet appeared in the entry way. “Welcome, come in,” she told them. “I’m glad you could join us,” she added to Sarah as she led the way to the dining room.

“I hope you like pizza, since that’s what’s on the menu. It just arrived. There’s also salad.”

“Sounds good.” Sarah bent down to pet the dog that had ambled up to her. “And who are you?” she asked.

“That’s Hanka,” Cassie answered. [Hee! In my first draft, the dog’s name was Oscar because I like that name for a dog. Then my beta reminded me that it was the name of Kinsey’s dog. I decided to have Cassie name give him a name that honored where she was from.]

“Hello, Hanka,” Sarah said, scratching him behind the ears.

They sat down to eat. After an initial awkward silence, the four of them began to converse easily and comfortably. The knowledge that Sarah would be staying with the SGC led the others to describe how they became a part of the program. Sam told the story of her work with the stargate project and her excitement when she was finally reassigned from the Pentagon when the stargate was reopened.

Janet described how mystified she had been when she was first offered and accepted the assignment at the SGC. “Nobody would tell me what the program was actually about, but of course I had to sign all of these non-disclosure agreements before I even stepped foot in the place. Being here took some getting used to. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. You never know what’s going to happen next. It keeps things interesting. And, of course, it brought me by daughter.”

“Sam said something about you not being from around here,” Sarah said to Cassie.

“Yeah. There’s no one left on my home world. I think at first they were going to find a family on the outside to adopt me, but then when we connected mom wound up adopting me.”

“From a secrecy standpoint it made things much easier,” Sam added. “It’s worked out really well. It was nice for me and the others at the SGC too, because it meant we could stay in contact with her.”

“And Jack was happy because he could visit the dog,” Cassandra added.

“What?” Sarah asked, giving Hanka a confused look.

Everybody laughed. Cassie explained. “Once I’d been here for a couple of days and he knew that I’d stay on Earth, Jack bought me a dog. He told me it was an Earth rule that all kids had to have dogs. I think the truth was that since his job doesn’t really allow for him to have one of his own, he wanted one that he could visit. But I was really happy to have Harka. He’s been a good friend to me.” [A little bit of “getting to know you.” A little bit of gossip. I hoped to create some gentle bonding and growing comfort between the four of them.]

Conversations continued in an easy and comfortable way. Sarah looked around the table. These are really nice people she thought. It was good of them to include me.

The meal was concluded and the dishes cleared away. “I’m driving, right?” Sam said.

“Fine by me,” Janet told her. “Everybody ready to go?”

Twenty minutes later they arrived downtown. They got down to business. In quick order they found some clothing to Sarah’s taste as well as a few other essentials.

Sarah and Sam were making small talk when their attention was captured by the argument brewing between Janet and Cassandra over the appropriateness of various items of clothing. As the negotiations between the mother and daughter intensified, Sam and Sarah traded amused looks. “Mothers and daughters are the same everywhere and every generation, aren’t they?” Sam asked.

“It never changes,” Sarah agreed.

After a couple more stops and a few more mother/daughter debates, the quest came to a successful end. They carried their packages to the car and began the trip home. Earlier drafts had the shopping trip described in far to much detail, including a whole thing with Cassie slipping away to buy something that she gives to Sarah at the end of the day. It was deadly.]

“Is it back to work tomorrow for you?”

“No, actually I’m off duty tomorrow too. I’m going to spend the day with the guy I’ve been dating. He’s recovering from some injuries. He’s a police detective. Then the day after tomorrow I’ll be going off-world for a few days on a special project.”

An image flashed through Sarah’s mind of firing a weapon at a man standing near Sam. “Was I the one who injured him?” she asked.

Sam hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly.

“I’m sorry,” Sarah said. The happiness of the afternoon dimmed.

“He’s going to be fine,” Sam told her. “There’s no permanent damage. Truth be told, he shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I was torn between being worried about him and angry at him for showing up.” [This is another one of those things I put in for me. I really wanted to have Sam acknowledge that Pete had no business being where he was and she was (and should have been) angry with him.]

“Still...” Sarah said.

“It wasn’t you doing it. Everyone understands that. Even Pete.”

They were quiet for a little while. Then Sam asked, “Did you know that I was once a host for a Tok’ra symbiote?”

“I wouldn’t have thought that would be compatible with your military service.”

“It’s not. It was sort of an accident. The symbiote was being pursued by an assassin. She was hiding within a person who was part of an off-world population that we were evacuating. When the host was mortally wounded, she jumped into me to hide.”

“We talked about the Tok’ra in my meeting with General Hammond. I thought they only took willing hosts.”

“They do, but she was desperate.”

“You did not remain Tok’ra.” Sarah’s question was more of a statement.

“No. The Ashrak continued to pursue Jolinar--that was the name of the Tok’ra--and eventually she sacrificed herself to save me. It wasn’t an easy time. The good part is that that was how we learned about the Tok’ra at all. Eventually we became allies. And they saved my father’s life. He’s part of the Tok’ra now.”

Sarah nodded, listening intently.

“Positive things happened as a result of all of that, but I had a pretty rough time of it for awhile. One of the things that kept happening is that Jolinar’s memories would pop into my head at unexpected times. It was really disorienting. Sometimes it was hard to tell which memories were mine and which were hers. Some of the memories were useful, but a lot of them were pretty bad. I had some terrible dreams after it all happened.”

Sarah’s expression twisted slightly. “Things keep coming into my head. The other day when I was talking to you I was also having memories of using a hand device to hurt you.”

“That’s perfectly understandable. Try to remember that it was Osiris that did those things, not you. You were as much a victim as anybody else was. More. I know how hard it can be to hold those memories as separate, but it’s important to remind yourself that they’re not you.”

“I’ll try,” Sarah said.

“Good,” Sam smiled encouragingly. “It’ll get easier.” [I thought it was very important for Sam and Sarah to have this conversation. Sam was in a unique position of having some understanding (on a smaller scale) of what Sarah might be going through. I wanted to have her tactfully mention what she had gone through in a way that would tacitly reassure Sarah that she wasn’t losing her mind if she experienced similar things.]

Sarah uttered a small sigh and offered a game smile. “I hope so.”

“What’s it like to have a father who’s a Tok’ra?” she asked.

“Actually, it’s been great. They saved his life--he would have died of cancer otherwise. We’d had a strained relationship at that time. It’s given us the chance to reconnect. When he became a Tok’ra and got his second chance at life, we got our second chance too. I’m really grateful for that. We’re very close now.”

“That’s nice,” Sarah said.

“Yeah,” Sam agreed.

“Where are you going? If you can say.”

“I’m going to be at an off-world site with my dad. We’re working on a special weapon to use against Anubis’s new soldiers. It’s the kind of stuff I really like digging into. Plus I’ll get to work with my dad. We don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like, so it’s nice when work brings us together.” [Just a way to ground the story with the events from the series.]

They arrived at the base. Sam got out of the car and helped Sarah collect her packages from the trunk. “Do you need some help carrying these things down?”

“No, I can get them.”

“I’ll go with you to get you through security.”

They walked across the parking lot and entered the building. Sam accompanied Sarah past security and to the elevators and helped carry the packages to her quarters. Sarah thanked her again for the afternoon out and the shopping largesse. They wished each other a good night and Sam departed.

Sarah looked around her room for a moment. Then she changed into some of the articles of clothing she brought back from the afternoon excursion. She tucked the other clothes into the dresser. The housekeeping duties completed, she went upstairs for a light meal.

Sarah enjoyed a quiet evening. She crawled into bed early, thinking about the events of the day and the company that she had enjoyed. It had been nice of Sam to reach out like that, she thought sleepily. Hearing Sam talk about her own experiences with the Tok’ra made her feel a little better. Maybe her dreams and memory flashes were normal. Maybe they’d start to fade. She hoped so. As relieved as she was to be free of Osiris, as good as it was to see Daniel and meet his friends, she felt empty and lost.

Once again a full night of sleep eluded her. The nightmares seemed to be getting worse rather than receding. She woke up in a cold sweat several times during the night.

**************************************

They next morning, Sarah took advantage of waking up early to go to the gym. She had noticed that when she had started her day with a workout earlier in the week it had helped her focus and calm her mind. She resolved to make exercise a part of her routine. This time, when she got to the gym, Teal’c and Daniel were there too.

“Good morning,” Teal’c said.

“Good morning. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“We try to most mornings that we’re Earthside, though we’ve missed the last few,” Daniel said. “Sam usually joins us when she can, but since she’s getting ready to leave she didn’t have time today. You?”

“It’s become part of my routine too,” she told him.

They proceeded with their workouts. Afterwards they met in the commissary for breakfast. Jack found them there as they were finishing their meal.

“Has Sam left for the Alpha site?” Daniel asked him.

“A few minutes ago. Jacob came here, and the two of them left together.” He turned to Sarah. “You were on my list of people to see. Your paperwork’s gone through. You’ve got a three month assignment here at the SGC. You’ll need to go up to personnel sometime today to get your ID and sign forms.”

“I’ll take you,” Daniel told her. He looked at Jack. “That was fast.”

“Hammond has knack for making things happen,” Jack said with admiration.

“Thank you,” Sarah said.

“No problem.” Jack gave her a nod. Then, saying that he had his own reports to catch up on, he excused himself.

“If you’re finished, I’ll take you up to personnel so you can get your ID, and then I’ll put you to work,” Daniel told Sarah.

“I’m ready,” she said.

Teal’c nodded at the two of them and went his own way while Daniel escorted Sarah to the personnel office. She signed the required papers and received her photo ID. With the official business completed, they moved to level 18. Daniel set her to work cataloging artifacts that SG-5 had brought back from a recent mission. Time passed quickly for Sarah. She appreciated having a purpose to her day. [A bit of order is starting to enter Sarah’s life now.]

As the day came to a close, Sarah made a stop at the infirmary. Taking Janet aside she asked about getting something to help her sleep. Janet nodded and went to the dispensary. She returned quickly and handed Sarah an envelope with a supply of tablets enclosed. [This is Sarah attempting to seize control over her life.]

“Take one when you’re ready to go to sleep. These aren’t meant for long-term use,” she warned. “But hopefully this will help get you over the hump. Let me know how it goes.”

“I will.” Sarah accepted the pills and went to her quarters.

She spent part of the evening studying material that she had borrowed from the library. She decided to make an early night of it. She took one of the pills that Janet had given her and crawled into bed with a book. She completed a few chapters of The Goblet of Fire. By 9:30 she was sound asleep.

**************************************

She slept through the night without a single dream. She woke up the next morning later than usual and feeling logy. She groaned and dragged herself out of bed. She briefly considered her usual morning workout, but decided that she lacked the energy for it. Besides, she had already gotten a late start to the day. A shower, breakfast, and a few cups of coffee helped clear her head.

She stopped by Daniel’s office to check in with him. His back was to the door as he studied one of his reference books. She paused in the doorway and watched him. An unwelcome memory came to her of standing in a temple in Egypt using a ribbon device on Daniel. She stood frozen for a moment as the scene played out in her mind. Stop it! Just stop! With an effort she pushed the memory aside and knocked on the door. Daniel turned to her and smiled. [I thought it might make sense that when she gets a little more comfortable and relaxed, images and memories would surface at unexpected moments.]

“Good morning,” he greeted her. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. Do you want me to continue with the cataloging I started yesterday?”

“Please. SG-5 brought back an impressive quantity of items, didn’t they?”

“They did.”

“Everything making sense to you so far? Have you been able to find all of the reference sources that you need?”

“So far, so good. I’ll just get on with it then.” She nodded at Daniel and left for the lab that housed the artifacts that she was studying.

**************************************

Daniel directed a happy look at the door that Sarah had just exited. It was anybody’s guess what Anubis would do next and whether they would be able to counter it. For today, though, life was good. It was good to have his friend back. He took a sip of coffee, smiled, and returned his attention to the document that he had been studying.

An hour later the claxon sounded. [uh oh]

**************************************

Late that afternoon Daniel stopped in the commissary for a snack and a cup of coffee. The day that had started so quietly had become hard and worrying as they searched for survivors at the Alpha Site. That was followed by efforts to bridge the growing gap between the Tok’ra and the Jaffa, which was proving to be an exercise in frustration. At least dealing with the political situation helped keep his mind off of the worry that Sam might be beyond their help.

He was shuffling through all of these thoughts when Sarah walked into the room. He looked up as she approached the table.

“Hi Sarah. What are you up to?”

“Just taking a little break. How about you? There are all kinds rumors going around. Is something going on?” [Work places are like small towns. Grapevines operate everywhere.]

Daniel sighed. “Sam’s missing.”

“Missing?”

“I think you already knew that she was doing research at an off-world site.”

Sarah nodded.

“It was attacked. The base was evacuated, and the self-destruct activated. We were there this morning and brought back the wounded including Sam’s father, Jacob, but there are still some unaccounted for. Sam’s one of the ones we haven’t found yet.”

“Oh Daniel. You don’t think...?”

“We don’t know. We know she wasn’t caught in the blast from the self-destruct. But she’s out there somewhere, possibly injured. And we know one of Anubis’s warrior drones is out there too. Jack and Teal’c are continuing the search. They’ll find her.” He had every confidence in the two of them, but he remained worried.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“It’s all a waiting game now.”

They were silent for awhile.

In his concern, Daniel began thinking out loud. “The other bad thing is that the address for the site is supposed to be a secret. We know that the Goa’uld didn’t know about it. Somebody let information slip somewhere. Rebel Jaffa and some of the Tok’ra in need of refuge have been using the base too. Accusations are flying all over the place. This might get messy. Jacob’s going crazy, of course, because he wants to go back to look for Sam, but General Hammond wants him here to try to help sort out what happened.” [Daniel’s probably talking too much and saying more than he should. I justify it by saying that he’s stressed and tired and inadvertently using Sarah as a sounding board. Also it gets me where I want to go in the story, which is to keep a level of anxiety at work within Sarah.]

“What keeps you going through the gate? It seems like everything you do is fraught with danger,” Sarah asked after another silence.”

Daniel took a closer look at Sarah’s face. Seeing her alarm and dismay, he tried to reassure her. “Oh it’s not all gloom and doom. We never know what we’re going to find on the other side and we’ve met our share of danger. But most of the time I get to do straight archaeological research. Or other scientists get to study plant or animal life. There’s almost always a sense of discovery about what’s waiting for us on the other side. That’s what makes it so exciting. And sometimes funny things happen too. Though I have to admit that sometimes the funny things are only funny in retrospect.” [I think Daniel needed to distract himself with humor as much as Sarah needed the distraction.]

“Tell me a funny one.”

“Well let’s see,” Daniel mused. “There’s Urgo.”

“What’s an Urgo?”

“He was a life form. Sort of. A scientist on another world implanted a chip into our brains. We didn’t know until later that he’d done it, though.”

“What did it do?”

“Well, it turned out to be that scientist’s way of learning about other worlds. He would implant the chip and then retrieve it at a later date. We weren’t supposed to know that it was there. But it took on a life of its own, called itself Urgo, and manifested to us. Of course nobody else could see or hear him, so it was like we were all talking to an imaginary friend.”

Daniel went on to explain about the food, the electric shock paddles, the efforts to get rid of Urgo. By the time he got to the part where all four of them were singing “Row, Row, Row, Your Boat,” he was smiling in spite of himself and Sarah was looking amused.

“So what finally happened? He’s not still around is he?”

“No, thank God. We were able to make contact with the scientist and he removed the chip. It drove us nuts while it was happening, but in retrospect I feel some affection for Urgo.... “

Happy for the distraction, Daniel cast his mind to other incidents. He described other events: Jack’s accidental marriage and aging, travel to 1969, and time loops. He carefully told the stories in ways that accentuated the ridiculous and played down the dangers. Both of them were smiling when he was finished. [I like draw on history/past episodes when I can. Hopefully it’s organic and doesn’t seem like some sort of space filling clip show.]

Then their smiles faded and they both sighed. Daniel looked at the clock. “Well, I’ve got to get back downstairs. I’m sitting in on some of the meetings.”

“Good luck. Let me know when there’s any news?”

He nodded and left the room.

**************************************

Sarah tried to concentrate on her project at hand. After an hour of fits and starts with the material in front of her, she decided to stop. The day was nearly over anyway. She began walking restlessly through the facility. Twenty minutes later her wanderings led her to the infirmary.

Janet looked up from a chart that she was updating. “Sarah. What can I do for you?”

“Oh.” Sarah blinked and looked around as if realizing for the first time where she was. “Nothing. I was just taking a walk. I hadn’t been paying any attention to where I was going.”

Janet made a final note on the chart and then gave Sarah her full attention. “Well it gives me a chance to see how you’re doing. Did you try one of the sleeping pills last night? How did it work for you?”

“I did. I slept through the night. Except I woke up this morning feeling kind of out of it.”

“That can happen sometimes. Try taking half a tablet. That might be enough to help you sleep, but keep you from feeling so fuzzy the next morning,” the doctor advised. [I don’t how realistic this really is. But I thought it made sense.]

“I’ll give that a try.” Sarah started to leave when Janet called her back. “Can you stay for a minute? I’ve been too busy down here to get away, but I’ve got something for you.” She gestured to Sarah to follow her to her office.

Once there, the doctor picked up a box from the corner and handed it to Sarah.

“What’s this?” Sarah asked.

“Open it up.”

Sarah opened the box. Inside was a tin of tea leaves, an infuser, teapot, and an electric kettle.

“It’s from Cassie. She went to an international store and found the tea, infuser, and teapot. I added the kettle. I thought it would be a nice gesture from Cassie to do this. In earlier drafts, Cassie snuck away and bought it on their shopping trip and presented it at the end. I think this works better.]

Sarah was touched. “Thank you. That was very thoughtful.”

“We hoped it might be something homey for you.”

“It is,” Sarah replied. “Thank you.” She picked up the box and both of them began to walk out.

“Any word about Sam?” Sarah asked.

“Not yet,” Janet told her. “They’ve found other survivors and we’ve received a few more wounded. They’re still looking.”

Sarah nodded and left the infirmary. She had a light supper. Later she decided to distract herself by going to the gym and getting in the workout that she had skipped that morning. After reading for awhile, she decided to follow Janet’s advice and try half of a sleeping tablet. She went to bed. This time, she slept through the night and woke up feeling more rested than she had in recent memory.

**************************************

Sarah’s first stop after breakfast and a cup of her very own tea was Daniel’s office.

“Hi,” he said. “I was just going to find you.”

“Any news about Sam?”

“They found her yesterday evening and brought her home last night,” he told her.

“Is she all right?”

“She was pretty beat up. She’ll be in the infirmary for a little while. But it’s mostly cuts and bruises. She’s able to receive visitors if you want to see her.”

“That’s good news. I’ll stop by to see her. Is something else wrong? You look down.”

“The Tok’ra and Jaffa both seem to be going their separate ways. Our alliance is on the verge of collapse. It’s so discouraging.” [Again he’s probably saying too much. But I think Daniel has some difficulty drawing the lines when it comes to Sarah.]

“Maybe they just need some time to cool off.”

“Maybe.”

“Anyway,” Sarah said, “Thanks for the news about Sam.”

At mid-morning, Sarah took a break and paid a visit to Sam in the infirmary.

“How are you feeling?” Sarah asked taking a seat beside her bed.

“Bored out of my mind,” Sam told her.

“How long are you going to be in here?”

“I’m due to be released this afternoon. I took a beating, but none of the injuries were serious.”

“I’m glad to hear it. I was worried when I heard you’d gone missing.”

“I can’t pretend that it wasn’t a close call. Those drones are relentless. If Teal’c and Colonel O’Neill hadn’t shown up when they did, I would have been in real trouble.”

“Instead of pretend trouble?”

“It was pretty dicey. We lost some good people,” Sam said more seriously. “But at least we know we’re on the right track with the weapon that dad and I were working on. It still needs refinement, but it took out the soldier, so that’s promising.”

“As long as there’s an upside,” Sarah commented drily. “I should get back to work and let you rest.” She stood up. “You should come visit when you’re released. I’ll make you a cup of real tea.”

“You have your own now?”

“Cassie and Janet provided me with the the supplies yesterday. It was sweet of them,” Sarah said.

Sam smiled at her. “I’ll stop by.”

**************************************

The next three weeks at the SGC were uneventful. All of the teams, even SG-1, enjoyed a remarkable run of good luck. Missions went smoothly and were casualty free. An unspoken agreement existed to enjoy the peace while it lasted. [A reference to quiet times that we usually don’t see. A feeling of normalcy continues to develop for Sarah.]

Sarah had settled into her own routine. She had developed a cordial, if distant, relationship with the other scientists on level 18. She had weekly meetings with Dr. Thomas. Janet and Cassie had begun to include her in their regular dinner and movie nights. Yet even as she was beginning to find a comfort level, Sarah’s anxiety would not fully subside. It was, if anything, growing. Random flashbacks still haunted her. She actively pushed her anxieties down and carefully presented a confident facade to those around her. She hoped that acting the part would, in time, make it true. She was determined not to let down everyone had been so helpful and supportive.

An undercurrent of excitement and activity interrupted the lull. News circulated that a documentary crew was coming to the base to produce a history of the stargate program. Uncertainty seemed to surround the entire idea. The production, however, was taking place at the behest of the president so most were resigned to at least providing token cooperation. Sarah watched the varying reactions with curiosity. I wanting to continue to have the episodes serve as a backdrop for Sarah’s experiences.]

“What’s the fuss about?” she asked Daniel one day as they ate lunch together.

“There’s a lot of cynicism about the media,” he explained. “And others feel uncomfortable at the idea of being in the spotlight. Plus, the program has operated in secrecy for so long, it’s hard to talk about it openly with strangers.”

“But as I understand it, the documentary itself isn’t going public.”

“No. But there’s a lot of mistrust of anyone connected with the media. And others feel like time spent on this is time taken away from our own work.”

“And how to you feel about it?” she asked.

“I guess I understand some of the reasoning behind the documentary, but it’s inconvenient. Mostly I’ve been having some fun at Bregman’s expense.”

“I hear Colonel O’Neill is pretty hostile about the whole thing.”

“Jack has been just plain hostile lately. I don’t know if that’s the only thing eating him or what. On our day mission to 866 the other day he was Mr. Crabby Pants the whole time.” This was me making a subtle reference (for me) to one of my other stories, Birthday.]

“Mr. Who? she asked, taken aback.

“Crabby Pants,” he repeated, looking a little abashed.

“Oh. I thought you said Grabby Pants. That was a new one to me.” [This was basically for me. I just think word misunderstandings are fun.]

“Both of them giggled. The lunch hour ended and they left to resume their day’s tasks. Sarah wished him luck with any forthcoming interviews. Daniel grinned and waved at her.

That night was the first one in several that she went to bed without a sleep aid. She had used up all of her tablets and she decided that it was time to get by on her own. After a cup of tea she settled down for the night. The dreams that had retreated for the last several nights returned with a vengeance. She woke up in the middle of the night shaking, sweating, and unnerved.

She lay in bed for awhile with her heart pounding, her mind a confusion of unpleasant images. She turned on the light. She tried to distract herself with a book but could not concentrate enough to read the words. Feeling defeated, she got out of bed. She paced around the room, but found it too confining. She began pacing the hallway outside her door, still trying to clear her head. On one of her trips down the hall, she came face to face with Teal’c as he stepped off the elevator.

“Teal’c,” she said with some surprise. “What are you doing up at this hour?”

“I sometimes go to the surface for the night air.” He turned the question back to her. “Why are you up at this hour?”

“I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep,” she hedged.

Teal’c regarded her thoughtfully. Sarah had the uncomfortable feeling that he could see into her mind.

“Are you familiar with kel’no’reem?” he asked.

Sarah frowned. “It’s some kind of meditation, isn’t it?”

“It is similar. Jaffa who carry Goa’ulds use kel’no’reem instead of sleep. Now that I am on tretonin, I no longer need to kel’no’reem, but I still find it useful. Perhaps you would benefit from it too,” he suggested.

“Maybe. What does it involve?” she asked dubiously.

“I will show you.”

They entered Teal’c’s room. He lit the numerous candles that were spread throughout the room. He invited Sarah to have a seat and guided her through the exercise. Her breathing became deep and regular. Her mind stilled. After nearly a half an hour she opened her eyes and looked at Teal’c.

“It was helpful,” she said with surprise. “I think I’m ready to go back to bed. May I borrow a couple of candles for the future?” she asked.

“Indeed,” Teal’c told her. He blew out three candles and handed them to her.

“Thank you, Teal’c. I’ll see tomorrow.”

“Good night Sarah Gardner,” he gave her a small bow as he held the door for her. [I think I could have done this much better. But I liked the idea of Teal’c observing Sarah still in some distress and offering something that might help her. And I liked Sarah accepting the offer and finding some benefit to it.]

**************************************

The next morning began like any other day. She had a workout followed by breakfast. She went to work with her cup of tea in hand. She listened with some amusement to the gossip around her about Colonel O’Neill’s latest run in with the documentary crew. Someone else added a story that they had heard about Teal’c’s interview with Bregman. They all snickered at the image of Teal’c staring impassively at his interviewer. Then they agreed that being on the other end of that stare would be intimidating.

As she returned from lunch, Sarah crossed paths with Janet at the elevator.

“Hi Janet. Are we still getting together tonight?” Sarah asked.

“Absolutely. Cassie and I are looking forward to it. [I really wanted Sarah to have established a growing and genuine friendship with Janet and Cassie. One, because I thought the friendship would be nice. Two, because I needed it as a catalyst for things that come later.]

Sarah smiled. “I’ll see you then.”

Janet smiled and waved as the elevator doors closed.

Later in the afternoon an uneasy buzz began to build through the SGC. No one seemed to have any details, but rumors abounded that something had gone terribly wrong that afternoon off-world. It was unusual for mission rumors to travel to the eighteenth floor so quickly. This alone seemed ominous.

Sarah walked into the break room where several of her colleagues were huddled together, comparing notes. She joined them just as Ben was saying “I know that two SG teams were sent somewhere to escort SG-13 home.”

“I heard that someone on SG-13 had been wounded and they were under attack,” Tracey added.

Have you heard anything new?” Kate asked Scott who had just entered.

“I heard from someone who talked to someone who was on level 28 when the teams came back. He said they were all pissed off. And that some of them looked like they were almost crying.”

They all looked at each other with consternation. Clearly something was wrong. After a few more minutes of speculations Ben put down his coffee cup decisively. “We’ll know what’s going on soon enough,” he said. “In the meantime, let’s get back to work.”

The others nodded and left the room to return to their projects. Sarah worked for another hour in a distracted fashion. Checking her watch, she decided that it was close enough to quitting time to stop. She tidied up her day’s work and decided to stop by the infirmary. Given the rumors that were floating around, she wondered if Janet would be too busy for a social night. [That grapevine at work again.]

Sarah walked into a subdued infirmary. The staff on duty went about their business in a crisp, organized way, but they appeared to be in shock. On one side of the room she saw three quarters of SG-1. Sam looked like she was on the verge of tears. Daniel was pale and clearly shaken. Teal’c was visibly downcast.

With a feeling of dread, Sarah walked over to the group. They looked up as she joined them. Daniel gave her a wan smile of greeting.

“I take it things didn’t go so well this afternoon?” she said. Their faces indicated that this was an understatement. “There have been rumors that something went wrong off-world. Janet and I had plans this evening. I wanted to see if she was still up for it. Do you know if she’s with a patient?”

A terrible silence greeted her question. The members of SG-1 traded glances. Sarah noted again that one member of SG-1 was not there.

“Did something happen to Colonel O’Neill?” Sarah asked.

“He was hit by a staff weapon,” Teal’c said.

“Oh my God. Will he be all right?”

“He was gravely injured,” Teal’c said, “but he was using new body armor and that prevented his death.”

“No wonder you all look so upset,” Sarah said.

“There’s more,” Daniel said with difficulty.

Sarah looked at them. They all seemed to be searching for words.

Finally Sam said the words quickly, “Janet’s dead.”

“What?! But... I just saw her.” [I tried to sort of create a similar feel to the way the reveal was done in the episode itself.]

“She’d gone with us to treat an airman who was seriously injured. There was a stray staff weapon shot,” Daniel said haltingly. “We’d just gotten her patient stabilized and were preparing to move him. The shot came from nowhere.”

“Dead?” Sarah repeated the word blankly. She looked from one to the other of them, trying process the news. Clearly the others were having great difficulty accepting this turn of events too. Sam and Daniel both had tears in their eyes. Teal’c looked somehow smaller.

“What about Cassie?” Sarah asked.

“Daniel and I are on the way to tell her now,” Sam said brushing a tear from her cheek. “For now, at least, I’ll have her stay with me.”

Sarah felt like she had been punched. “I can’t believe this.”

“Neither can I,” Daniel said. He sighed and looked at Sam. “I guess we’d better get this over with.”

“I guess we’d better.”

“Give Cassie a hug for me,” Sarah told them. “Let me know if there’s anything that I can do. Anything.”

“We will.” Daniel’s attempt at a reassuring smile turned into a grimace.

“Thanks Sarah,” Sam said giving her a nod. She and Daniel trailed dejectedly out of the infirmary.

Teal’c and Sarah remained behind. Both of them looked like they were trying to figure out what to do next.

At last Teal’c stirred. “If you will excuse me, I want to check on O’Neill.”

“Of course.”

They parted company grimly.

Sarah wandered into the corridor. She walked aimlessly for a few minutes. Catching sight of a clock and seeing that it was suppertime, she decided that she might as well eat. Feeling as if everything was moving in slow motion she entered the commissary and selected a few food items. She sat down and picked at her food in a desultory fashion. The atmosphere in the room was gloomy. None of the handful of diners were in the mood to talk. Sarah choked down as much of her meal as she could, but at least half of it remained uneaten when she gave up and left.

Not knowing what else to do, Sarah went to her quarters. Once there, she sank into a chair and looked uncomprehendingly around her. She tried to put from her mind the thought that she was supposed to be enjoying dinner and videos with Janet and Cassie that evening. Cassie was the one who was supposed to choose the movie. Sarah wondered what she had planned for them. Poor kid, she thought. Orphaned for the second time. Her heart went out to her. And to Daniel and Sam who were breaking the news to her.

Her mind turned to Janet. She thought back to her kindness and professionalism as a doctor. Her warmth and cheerfulness, and the growing friendship between them had meant a lot to Sarah. She hoped that Janet had known that. The shock and numbness gave way to genuine, stabbing grief. She began to cry. The tears grew into racking sobs for the young girl she liked so much who was left alone again, for the friend that she was starting to know in Janet, and for the grief that she had seen in the friends who had known and worked with the doctor for years. And she cried for herself, for her own feeling of lostness and confusion and anxiety which had returned to her full force. Once started, it was like a dam had burst. Weeks of pent up emotions were released in her torrent of tears. [And now with someone who she considers a friend dying in the line of duty, Sarah’s anxiety and reaction to her own traumas ratchets way up again.]

Sarah woke up the next morning with the feeling that something was wrong, but not sure what. Then the memories and grief of the previous day flooded back. She had spent all of her tears the night before. What remained was a dull ache.

Wearily she followed her morning routine--a workout, shower, and dressing--out of habit, hardly even aware of what she was doing. She ventured into the cafeteria and ate her breakfast without tasting it. Upon finishing, she reported for work.

The atmosphere was subdued. Dr. Frasier had been well-liked and respected. Everyone was having difficulty coming to terms with her loss. The serious injuries that others had sustained were also sobering. On top of that, there was still a documentary unit running around the SGC looking for footage and interviews.

Attempts to work were interspersed with wanderings as people tried to learn the latest news. As the day went on, hints of anger began to penetrate all levels of the SGC. Rumors were spreading that an inquiry into the disastrous outcome of the latest mission was underway. No one knew quite what was supposed to have been done differently, but evidently people in Washington were doing plenty of second guessing.

Rumor became fact for Sarah when she ran into Daniel late that afternoon.

“How are you doing?” she asked.

“I’ve been better,” he sighed.

“I’ve been hearing that questions are being asked.”

Daniel’s expression hardened. “Yeah. Everything’s obvious and easy from the safety of an office a thousand miles away,” he said bitterly.

“What were you supposed to do?” Sarah asked.

“That’s just it. I’m not really sure. Woolsey was going on and on about how we lost one valuable person and almost lost a second. Like we don’t know that,” Daniel said with disgust.

Sarah murmured sympathetically.

“As if he even knows or cares about Janet or Jack or any of the other people here. They’re just names and numbers and an excuse to criticize the program,” he continued angrily.

“How much trouble can they cause?” she asked.

“That’s not entirely clear,” Daniel said. “There are some powerful people that have always had it out for General Hammond and the way the SGC is run. He’s always had a lot of support from the president, but a new administration is coming in. We’ve been through other political threats. I don’t know how big this one is yet.”

“How’s Cassie?” Sarah asked, changing the subject.

Daniel sighed again. “All things considered, not bad. I think she’s in shock like the rest of us. The sadness and anger is probably yet to come.”

“And Colonel O’Neill?” Sarah asked.

“Grouchy. He’ll make a full recovery, but he’s not feeling too good right now.”

“I hate this!” Sarah burst out vehemently.

“So do I,” Daniel said sadly.

They fell into silence. Sarah reached out to touch his shoulder. He gave her a weak smile.

“Well,” he said with resignation. “I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see you later.”

“See you later,” Sarah replied.

The next several days passed in a haze. There was a memorial service for Janet and later a her off-base funeral. The documentary crew wrapped up their work at the SGC. Woolsey concluded his interviews and returned to Washington. Things began to return to normal despite the hole left by Janet’s death. Missions and everyday activities resumed.

For Sarah, who had been attempting to cope with anxiety since her return from the Goa’uld, the tragic end to the mission on P3X-666 only served to increase her discomfort. Her bad dreams continued. Flashbacks during her waking hours were increasing. Regular kel’no’reeming provided temporary oases of calm, but she found it harder and harder to deny to herself that it was all she could do to function day to day. Not knowing what else to do or where else to go, she maintained a placid exterior as best she could. She hoped that time and determination would help her find a way through the morass of unhappiness that consumed her. [There’s that stiff upper lip again.]

**************************************

One morning, after another night of interrupted sleep, Daniel met her at her office.

“I have a favor to ask of you,” Daniel said to her.

“Yes?”

“I’d planned to spend most of today on this, but Sam, Teal’c, and I have been called away to look into a situation in Los Angeles. Off and on I’ve been charting and organizing my records and logs. Well, I’ve been meaning to chart and organize my records. I wondered if you’d pick up on the project for me? You’ve read up on most of what I’ve been involved with and you’re familiar with my style. Do you have time?” [I spend a lot of time in my stories trying to disguise the fact that I don’t actually understand most of what these people do. I think this is one of those sections where that becomes obvious. I’m not sure this task even makes sense to me. But I needed a reason for Sarah to be working in Daniel’s office.]

“Sure. I guess so.”

“That’d be great,” Daniel told her. “Come on down to my lab and I’ll set you up.”

Sarah picked up her mug of tea and followed Daniel down the hallway. Once in his lab, Daniel gave Sarah a brief overview of the system he had set up. “This won’t be any problem,” she told him.

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“So what’s in Los Angeles?”

“We don’t really know yet. Apparently something odd has happened in a facility out there and they think that someone from the SGC should follow up.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“Not to my knowledge. We should be back within the day.”

“Just the three of you? Colonel O’Neill isn’t going too?”

“No. He’s still recovering.” Daniel straightened a couple of items on the counter and started for the door. “Like I said, we shouldn’t be gone for longer than today. If you run across anything that doesn’t make sense, just set it aside,” he advised her. “I can go back and catch things up later.”

“Will do,” she told him. “I hope everything goes smoothly.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you later.”

They waved at each other as he walked out of the room.

**************************************

Sarah buckled down to the project. As the morning wore on, an increasing, creeping sense of misery enveloped her. Finally it advanced to a point that she stopped, burying her face in her hands. [She’s reached her breaking point. The stiff upper lip thing is no longer working.]

She heard a knock at the door. “Sarah?”

She looked up. “Colonel O’Neill.” She gave him an inquiring look. “Shouldn’t you be resting?”

“I’m well enough to be up and around. I’m just not cleared for field duty.” He turned the subject back to her. “What about you? What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” she said quickly. “Just a little tired.” She gave him a bright, if wavering, smile and looked back down at the notes.

She could feel him studying her. He entered the room and closed the door. He walked to the worktable. Wincing a little, he took a seat on the stool next to her. “Tell me.”

Still looking down, she shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she said.

He leaned slightly toward her. “Sarah.” He said it so gently that she looked up and met his eyes. “Tell me,” he said again.

Seeing compassion on his face, she crumbled. “I don’t think I can do this anymore,” she said shakily.

“This,” Jack repeated. “What you’re working on right now, or the SGC?”

She looked down again. “Everything,” she said. Her voice was barely audible.

“How long have you been feeling this way?” he asked.

She picked up a pen and fidgeted with it. “For a long time,” she admitted.

“Is it the work itself? This facility?”

She shook her head again. “It’s me,” she whispered. “Something’s wrong with me.”

“What’s wrong with you?” he probed.

I don’t know,” she said miserably. She raised her head. Sadness, anger, and despair competed within her. Suddenly, words tumbled out in a dizzying, barely coherent, stream of consciousness rush. “I don’t think I really like Egyptology, or even archaeology much anymore. I’m glad to be free of that Goa’uld, to have my life back. Really I am. But I don’t even know what my life is anymore. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. Awful memories and images play in my head all the time. I try, but I can’t get past it. I feel like I’m half dead. I thought it would get better, but instead it’s getting worse. Daniel is so happy to have me back. Everybody has been so good to me. I know that I should be happy. I’m trying to be happy. But every time I look around, all I see are reminders of the last three years. Not to mention things like Sam going missing, you almost died, Janet did die.... I’m not like the rest of you. I’m not made for this sort of thing.” The blizzard of words finally wound down. She drew in and released a ragged breath. [I see this as weeks of pent up emotions finally breaking loose. She’s not saying these things to Jack because he’s so special, so much as he just happened to be there at the right time and offer the right attitude of compassion. In a way, I think the fact that they don’t have an attachment to each other is part of what made it possible for her to confess these things to him.]

Jack remained quiet for a couple of minutes, giving Sarah time to compose herself. “Why is that wrong?” he finally asked.

Sarah blinked. “Well, because--” she stopped and stared at him. He gave her a steady look in return. “Because it’s done with now. I should be able to get on with my life again. I want to get on with my life again.”

“That’s not always enough.”

“You really know how to make a person feel better,” she said drily.

Jack gave her a half smile and then turned serious again. “We can’t always make things true just because we want them to be.”

“So then, what?” Sarah asked weakly.

Jack gave her a pensive look. “Here’s the thing. It’s really hard to come back from something so life changing that no one you know has experienced with you.” He picked up a paperweight and began playing with it. He hesitated, appearing to have a quiet internal debate. He gave a small nod as if he’d come to a decision and started to speak again.

“I retired from the Air Force before the stargate program was established. My last several years were in Special Forces. I’ve done and seen some pretty bad things in the course of my work. Things that are not pleasant to think about.” His expression was distant.

Sarah watched Jack curiously. She suspected that he rarely discussed these things. She had sometimes thought that she sensed an underlying hint of sadness in the colonel. She wondered if this was the reason. “Does it bother you?”

“Sometimes,” he said frankly. “It’s not always easy. I’ve known plenty of people in that line of work that have gone nuts. Some have hurt themselves or others. Everybody’s different. I have my training and my friends to rely on. I won’t deny that I’ve been through some very dark times. One of the things that helps me is knowing that I’m part of something bigger than myself. I can only do my best every day. But there were times that I almost gave up.”

He stopped talking. He put down the paperweight that he had been hefting and picked up a pen and started doodling. Sarah looked at what he was scribbling on and silently replaced it with a piece of scratch paper. Jack gave her an apologetic look.

“Everyone is always quick to remind me that I wasn’t the one who did those things that I remember, but....” she trailed off.

“The memories are real,” he finished for her.

“Yes,” she said.

The two of them studied each other. Sarah had received plenty of sympathy, good advice, and acts of friendship in the weeks since she had been back on Earth. She appreciated every bit of it. This, however, was the first time that she felt like she was receiving genuine understanding. She had not expected it to come from a gruff military man she barely knew. [I really like this scene between Sarah and Jack. I may have Jack being a little more talkative than is in character for him. But I think he can understand what Sarah’s feeling in a way that others can’t. He also has a past that’s filled with regrets and violence and unspeakable things. It’s why I think it makes sense to me to have Jack be the one to reach out to her and to understand her.]

“Sometimes part of coping might even mean finding a new direction,” Jack said.

Sarah watched Jack. He looked like he was leading up to something.

“Do you want to be at the SGC?” Jack asked her.

“I’m grateful to Daniel and everyone for helping to arrange it.”

“No.” Jack repeated his question. “Do you want to be at the SGC?”

Sarah looked at Jack. Her eyes welled. Finally she whispered her answer: “No.”

“Do you know where you do want to be?”

Sarah shook her head unhappily. “No. I don’t fit anywhere anymore. I feel so disconnected from everything.”

Jack seemed to consider for a moment. “How would you feel about getting away from all of this?” he asked.

“Like a retreat or something?”

“Or something,” Jack answered. “I was thinking about you relocating off-world.”

Sarah looked both curious and alarmed. “With the Tok’ra?”

“Not the Tok’ra,” he said firmly.

“You don’t like them much do you?” she asked. “Why?”

“Let’s just say that my experience of “blending”--Jack used sarcastic quote fingers on the word--“was not as happy as Jacob’s.” His face darkened at the memory. “We’ll leave it at that.”

Sarah was intrigued. The man was like an onion, new layers kept appearing. Clearly there was another story here that she had never heard. Equally clearly, it was not something that he was going to discuss. She did not pursue it. He had already told her things that she was sure he did not easily share. She would not intrude any further on his privacy.

“All right,” she said returning to his question. “Not the Tok’ra. What do you have in mind?”

“There’s a planet called Cimmeria that we made first contact with several years ago. It’s protected by the Asgard. Technologically, they’re not on our level. One might even describe the place as rustic. But they’re good people. They would accept you easily. It’s safe. The Asgard placed a device there that eliminates any Goa’uld that come through the gate. I don’t think that you would see constant reminders of your lost years. We’re in touch with them on a regular basis, so it’s not like we would be abandoning you there never to make contact again. I wondered if you would want to give that a try. If you went and didn’t like it you wouldn’t have to stay.”

Sarah considered the proposition. The thought of making a completely fresh start was appealing. A spark of interest and hope flickered to life within her. “That’s an interesting idea,” she said slowly.

“You don’t have to decide right away. Think it over,” Jack told her. He deliberated for a few seconds then continued speaking. “They wouldn’t need to know that you were once a host if you don’t want them to, but it wouldn’t be an issue for them. When we first made contact with them there was a former host living there. Your past wouldn’t matter to them.”

“That sounds nice,” she said wistfully.

“Think about it,” Jack reiterated. “If you want, we can make a visit and you can check the place out before making your decision. You can stay for as long or as short a time as works for you.”

Sarah nodded.

“Have you talked to Daniel about how you’ve been feeling?” Jack asked.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how. He was so happy to have me back. I don’t want to disappoint him. And now I’m thinking about leaving.” [So often we maintain facades because we don’t want to disappoint people we care about.]

“I think he’d be more let down to know that you’ve been unhappy and didn’t tell him,” he suggested.

“I suppose,” she conceded.

“Talk to him,” he counseled. “He’ll understand more than you think. If he doesn’t, I’ll talk to him.”

Sarah’s eyes watered again, this time in gratitude. She gave him a genuine smile. “Thank you, Colonel.”

He stood up gingerly. “Oh I think by now you can call me Jack.”

“Jack, then.” Sarah also stood up and leaned toward him. “Thank you,” she whispered again.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered back. [I like showing the heart and gentler side to Jack that exists along with the curmudgeon side of him.]

He started moving toward the door. “I’m hungry. Do you want to get some lunch?”

“Yes,” she said. She fell in step beside him and they went to the commissary.

A few minutes later they were seated and eating. Sarah looked at Jack speculatively.

“What?” he asked.

“I was just remembering a conversation that I had with Daniel some time ago. I asked him if everything involving the gate was hazardous and he started telling me funny stories about gate travel.”

“Really?” Jack said suspiciously. “Such as?”

“Oh, he told me about someone called Urgo,” she said.

“Ah, Urgo,” he said reminiscently. “Anything else?”

Well, he might have mentioned a time when you got, um,” she coughed, “married.”

Jack’s eyes narrowed. “Did he now?”

“Perhaps there’s something you’d like to tell me about him?” Sarah suggested innocently.

“Daniel tends more for the frequently captured or otherwise imperiled than the outright embarrassing. It seems like at least two or three times a year he needs to be rescued from something. Luckily death doesn’t seem to stick to him. I’m telling you,” he gestured toward his head, “almost every single one of these grey hairs has his name on it.”

“So he has a tendency for getting into fixes?”

Jack gave an exasperated sigh. “An overdeveloped talent for it. The man is like a trouble magnet.” [Bonding through laughing at a mutual friend.]

“And how’s your side feeling?” Sarah asked him.

“All right, the rest of us get into trouble too,” Jack allowed. “Even so, Daniel’s talent for it stands out. The number of times I’ve had to get him out of something...” He shook his head.

“I’m not entirely surprised,” Sarah said. “He’s always been impulsive.”

“It has tempered some over the years. And I wouldn’t want this to get back to him, but he’s usually worth the trouble.”

“Yes, he is,” Sarah said with affection. She checked her watch. “I really should get back to work.”

“I’ve got to get moving too,” he said hauling himself to his feet.

“Thank you for the conversation and the offer. I’ll think about it.”

“Do that. Let me know whenever you decide. If you want to go, we’ll set it up.”

**************************************

Sarah’s outburst and subsequent conversation with Jack had been cathartic. She worked steadily at Daniel’s project. There was some fine tuning to do, but by the end of the day, for all intents and purposes, she had finished the organizational challenge that Daniel had left for her. At 6:00 she turned out the light and left the lab feeling pleased with the work that she had done.

After a light supper she returned to her quarters and allowed herself to actively consider the thoughts that had been lurking in the back of her mind throughout the afternoon. The more she thought about Jack’s relocation idea, the more it intrigued her. Conflicting emotions battled each other. On the one hand, to go felt like giving up and running away. On the other hand she weighed the appeal of making a fresh start in a new place. The more time she spent back on Earth, the more detached she felt. Rather than diminishing, the feeling that she didn’t belong anywhere had only grown over time.

Sarah had not realized how trapped she felt until the prospect of leaving had been presented as a viable option. She cared about Daniel. She was growing to care for his friends and colleagues--her colleagues now. She had grown to appreciate the work done at the SGC and her part in it. Even so, it wasn’t her work. It was something she had drifted into while at a crossroad. Nothing about it stirred any passion within her. The more she thought about it, the more clear it became to her that she no longer had any real ties to anything.

She turned her mind to a third possibility: leaving the SGC but staying on Earth. She could pick up her old life, or a semblance of it. That might be the healthiest thing to do, she thought. Other people don’t have the luxury of moving across the galaxy. They just put their heads down and get on with it. Why shouldn’t I do that too? Why can’t I? Once presented to her, however, the lure of a complete break with the past was difficult to resist. She had been away so long that Earth now seemed almost like a foreign place to her. It was a place she recognized, one she loved, but it was not quite home anymore. The thought of facing people she had once known, the knowledge that the parasite that had infected her had killed her mentor and attacked her colleague filled her with dread. She would never be able to look at the world around her in the same way, look at the people that she had once known in the same way--nor they her. I can fight to reclaim my life here, she thought, but do I even want to? The answer came to her with the greatest clarity than anything since Osiris’s removal: No.

Having reached what now seemed to her to be an inevitable and obvious conclusion, a feeling of serenity came over Sarah. She smiled slightly to herself, turned out the light, and climbed into bed. She would sleep on it, she thought, and see how she felt the next day. If she did decide to go, telling Daniel would be difficult. She knew that he would be disappointed. That was not a conversation that she looked forward to, but she hoped that he would understand. She sighed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

[I worried that Sarah would be perceived as weak for choosing to leave. But what I was hoping to show is that there really isn’t anything left for her on Earth. Her family is gone. She’s disconnected and disaffected from her former life. I think it’s less about running away for her than it is about trying to go to something new.]

She hopped out of bed the next morning with an unaccustomed energy. I’ve got options, she remembered. I guess I’ve always had options, but I’ve got a new one. And one that’s actually attractive to me. She moved around her quarters performing her normal morning routine. As she fixed her hair, she broke off suddenly and stared at herself in the mirror, surprised. She had been humming to herself. Humming! She laughed a little then picked up the tune again, finished with her hair, put on her shoes, and walked cheerfully out of her quarters.

She entered the commissary, picked up some fruit and cereal and sat down to eat. She mulled Jack’s offer over again as she ate. I can leave, she thought. I can go someplace where nobody has any expectations. I can start over. The prospect of leaving had brought on an exciting feeling of optimism. There’s a way out. I can leave. I can come back later if I want. I have choices. The realization hit her like a bolt of lightning. I have choices she repeated to herself. A new realization followed on the heels of the last one. I’ve made my choice. It’s time to go. Breakfast finished, she disposed of her tray and left the commissary. [I got a little repetitive on this point as the story goes on, I think. What I was trying to portray was that the prospect of a fresh start gives Sarah a new sense of optimism and a new energy.]

Wanting to see if doubts set in once the first rush of her decision wore off, Sarah decided not to say anything to anyone yet. She stopped by Daniel’s office to see if he had returned to the base. He was not there. She debated whether to pick up with Daniel’s project and then decided to return to her own work. If Daniel wanted her to continue, he would let her know. Besides, she wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk to him just yet. She walked down the hall to the lab that housed her work area, prepared a cup of tea, and began studying the artifacts that one of the SG teams had brought back from an abandoned planet.

As the morning went on more people showed up to work. It was one of those days when everyone was in a sociable mood. Morning pleasantries progressed to general chatter and office gossip. Sarah made occasional contributions to the conversation but mostly she was content to observe with a smile. I’ll miss this, she thought. With a start she realized that she was already thinking of her time at the SGC in the past tense. She had become friendly with these people she worked with and she liked them, but those feelings were not strong enough to pull her back. It was, she thought, like the feelings one has toward classmates that you like but know you won’t see again after graduation. [I sometimes fall into the trap of tortured metaphors. The feeling is right, but the wording might be a little precious.]

**************************************

Sarah enjoyed a pleasant lunch with her coworkers. As the group left the commissary, Jack walked in carrying a stack of files. Sarah and Jack traded nods and continued on their paths. She returned to the lab, but after a few minutes of work she put down the artifact that she had been examining. She stared into space for a few minutes, lost in thought. She took a deep breath, stood up, and departed for the commissary.

She stopped at the door to the cafeteria. Looking around the room, she spotted Jack in the far corner. He had gotten his food and was distractedly eating while studying one of the files he had brought with him. She watched him for a moment, then threaded her way through the tables until reaching his. She paused at the chair across the table from him. Apparently occupied with his reading, he did not seem to know that she was there. Or maybe, Sarah thought, he’s just ignoring me and hoping that I’ll go away. She shrugged and sat down.

The movement of Sarah taking a seat caught Jack’s attention and he looked up with a slight frown. Seeing who had joined him, Jack’s face softened into a more welcoming expression.

“Sarah.” He closed the file he had been reading and gave her his full attention. “You look like you’re having a good day.”

“I am.” She offered a smile that lit up her whole face. A laugh bubbled up and escaped before she could suppress it.

Jack watched her genially. “What can I do for you?”

“I’ve been thinking,” Sarah started then halted.

“Oh, good for you. I try to avoid that when I can,” Jack said filling the silence. [I think this line is an example of trying too hard.]

Sarah narrowed her eyes at him. Jack gave her a bland look in return.

Anyway, Sarah picked up again, “I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had yesterday.” She stopped again.

“Yes?”

“Have Daniel, Teal’c, and Sam gotten back yet?”

Jack looked nonplussed. “I didn’t think that was where you were going with that.”

“I wasn’t,” Sarah admitted. “I just remembered that I hadn’t seen Daniel today. He’d indicated that he didn’t think he’d be gone for more than the day. I wondered if everything was all right.”

Jack looked mildly perturbed. “Oh, yes, they’re fine. The report I got was a little confused, so I don’t really know yet what happened. Apparently they needed to do some clean up, so they stayed an extra day. They should get back sometime tonight.”

“Well that’s good then. There was some discussion down in the lab about whether they’d gotten into trouble.”

“Did they lay odds on whether Daniel had died?”

Sarah stared at him. “How did you know?”

“Speculation about whether or not Daniel is dead, again, is one of the base hobbies. I think the only person who’s not aware of it is Daniel.” [Another thing that might be a little too precious. I got a kick out of it though.]

Sarah giggled. “I was a little taken aback when they started talking about it, but then I got that it was just a joke. We figured if something had really happened to any of them we would have heard about it in some way.”

“The grapevine being what it is, that’s a fairly safe guess,” Jack agreed.

“Getting back to the reason that I came over here. As I said, I’ve been thinking about our conversation.” Sarah paused again.

“Yes,” Jack prompted.

“I want to take you up on it. I don’t know whether I’m leaving for a few days, a few weeks, or forever, but I want to go. I need to get away. I need to be someplace where I can figure out who I am now.”

“I think you’re making a good choice.” [An indication that Jack may have been subtly nudging Sarah in that direction. For reasons that will become clear in a conversation with Daniel.]

“And you believe that I’ll be accepted there?” Sarah asked anxiously.

“I’m sure,” Jack told her. “I talked to General Hammond about this yesterday afternoon. He agreed that it might be a good idea for you to relocate. I also took a quick trip to Cimmeria. I spoke with one of our main contacts there and explained the situation. She assured me that you would be welcome. It’ll be a rougher existence there than you’re used to, but you’ll be safe.” [Once again I liked drawing the history of the show into the fabric of a story.]

Sarah had not realized that she had been holding her breath until she exhaled with relief at Jack’s assurances.

“Understand that this will not automatically solve all of your problems,” he cautioned. “You may get there and not like it. Or you may get there and find that not as much has changed as you hoped. I suspect that part of what you’re dealing with is plain post traumatic stress disorder. And that’s just going to take time no matter where you are.” [I felt like it was important to articulate that solving her problems was going to involve more than just a change of scenery. And for Sarah to recognize that as well.]

“I understand,” Sarah said soberly. “I don’t like running away, but I think I need to try this.”

“It’s not running away to try to find the place where you can get better. You’ll have more personal space there. You won’t be constantly having to answer the “how are you” questions,” Jack offered.

Sarah’s eyes widened in surprised recognition. “I hadn’t realized how tired I was of that question until you brought it up. I know that it’s meant well, but...”

“Somehow it makes you feel worse,” Jack finished.

Sarah nodded.

They fell into a silent understanding.

“When can arrangements be made?” Sarah broke the silence.

Jack considered. “We could do it quickly. The day after tomorrow, maybe. That will give you time to break the news to Daniel and for him to protest. Which I expect that he will--strenuously. People will want a chance to say good-bye. I don’t see why we couldn’t do it sometime this week if you want.” [Jack’s not one to let grass grow under his feet.]

“Let’s try for that. Now that the decision is made, I’m ready to get on with it.”

Jack nodded his understanding. “I’ll let General Hammond know.”

“I’ll tell Daniel first thing tomorrow,” Sarah added. “I think he should know first. After that I’m sure word will get around.”

“As words do,” Jack agreed.

Sarah nodded and smiled. “I guess that’s settled then. I’ll get back to work and let you do the same.” She stood up.

Jack also stood up, picking up his coffee cup. “Yes, these reports won’t read themselves. Unfortunately. This calls for more coffee.”

They waved at each other and he moved toward the coffee station while Sarah walked toward the exit.

Sarah returned to the lab. Ignoring the curious looks of her lab mates, she got back to work. The remainder of the day passed quickly. Absorbed in her work, quitting time came before she knew it. She looked up in astonishment as Kate and Scott packed up their work stations and prepared to leave.

“Is it that time already?” Sarah asked.

Scott looked amused. “It’s past time, actually,” he said. “You must have really been involved with what you were doing. I don’t think you heard a thing that happened this afternoon.”

Sarah gave him a rueful smile. “I was. SG-8 brought back some interesting things from their last mission,” she said with a hint of defensiveness.

“Hey, I wasn’t criticizing. It’s always good to see someone engaged in their work,” Scott laughed.

Sarah laughed back.

“Last one out turns out the lights,” Kate singsonged, walking toward the door. Scott followed her.

“Will do,” Sarah told them. “Have a good night.”

“Good night,” Scott answered.

“See you tomorrow,” Kate added.

Sarah finished up with the artifact that she had been studying. Twenty minutes later, she turned out the lights, pulling the door closed.

Sarah entered her quarters energized by having a plan and destination of her own choosing. What to do with that energy? She eyed the closet, dresser, and the items scattered around the room. There was sorting to be done.

On the leave side: the books and articles that needed to be returned to Daniel; the mystery novels to return to Sam; various papers and notes that she had saved for no discernible reason, it’s amazing how much detritus a person can accumulate in a few weeks, she marveled; the more formal clothing, shoes, and--because they didn’t belong to her anyway--the various sets of BDUs.

On the keep side: the copies of the Harry Potter books she had bought for herself after returning Teal’c’s--she patted them affectionately, still amused that it was Teal’c of all people, who shared her love for the books; the mystery novels that she had purchased, various combs, brushes, and lotions; her casual and comfortable clothes. After further consideration, she furtively moved the blue BDUs to the keep side. They are comfortable. And blue is my color she rationalized. And most importantly, her tea leaves, teapot, and infuser were set aside to take along.

Satisfied with her sorting work, Sarah engaged in a session of kel’no’reem to help her relax. She whiled away the rest of the evening with a book. [Finally we see Sarah feeling a purpose and with something to look to.]

**************************************

Sarah woke up early the next morning and got in the workout that she had skipped the day before. After a shower and breakfast, she made her way to floor 18 in search of Daniel. She walked nervously down the corridor and peeked into Daniel’s lab. He was there, examining the contents of a binder. She knocked on the door and crossed the threshold.

Daniel looked up. “Sarah! Good morning.”

“Good morning. When did you get back?”

“Last night.”

“How was your trip?”

Daniel’s face clouded. Sarah walked over to the table where he was sitting.

“That bad?” she asked.

Daniel nodded glumly. “It was an experiment gone horribly wrong. An agency manipulated DNA to create a human/goa’uld hybrid. They proceeded to use and abuse her to try to learn secrets about the Goa’uld, until the Goa’uld part of her got the upper hand, killed all but one person in the facility and set the timer on a bomb that could have taken out a large portion of Orange County.”

“I assume the bomb didn’t detonate, since I didn’t hear anything about it on the news?”

“No. Anna--the human part of the hybrid--was able to call up enough memories to help us stop the countdown.”

“How is she now?” she asked.

“She killed the last surviving man, and then herself.”

“What?”

“The guy was the one who had headed up the project. And they didn’t create her for long term survival. She would have died a painful death soon anyway. So I suppose in some ways the ending is all for the best,” Daniel sighed. He looked unconvinced. [More episode backdrop for the story. And one more reminder for Sarah how much violence exists in conjunction with the Stargate Program.]

Sarah was sickened. “That’s... I don’t even know what to say. That’s horrible.”

“It was. I was not prepared for that.” Daniel closed his eyes and shook his head.

Daniel opened his eyes and deliberately changed the subject. “Do you want to get together later? It’s been awhile. Indian food tonight?”

Sarah smiled. “That would be nice.”

“Good.”

There was a brief, warm silence. Then--

“Daniel--”

“Hey, I was--”

They both stopped. After a round of “you firsts,” Daniel began again.

“I was just reading over the work that you were doing for me. It looks great. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time.”

“It just took finding someone to do it for you,” Sarah teased.

“I was planning to do it myself,” Daniel protested. [A little bit of easy camaraderie between old friends.]

“Funny how it just happened to be on the same day you were called away.” She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. Daniel’s trip had been an unpleasant one.

He did not take offense. “It just worked out that way, that’s all.” He gave her a mischievous grin.

“Uh huh,” She grinned back at him.

Daniel ducked his head and began flipping through the binder. “Besides,” he said, “it’s not like you’re so perfect anyway. I’m going to have to go through and correct your spelling.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve left “u”s all over the place. Col-ower, hon-ower,” he exaggeratedly pronounced for her. [Just a little fun based on recurring “debates” about spelling from internet communities that I’ve been a part of that include Americans, Canadians, and people in the UK.]

“No appreciation for my efforts to class things up for you,” she fake huffed.

“Hey, I’ve got more class than I know what to do with. Useless “u”s aren’t going to add anything in that department.

Sarah dimpled at him. They had had variations of this argument many times in years past. Her smile faded a little. “I’m leaving,” she said abruptly.

“Can’t take the heat, can you?” he joked.

“No, Daniel. I’m leaving,” she repeated.

“What do you mean?”

She walked across the room, closed the door, then came back to sit beside Daniel. “I didn’t mean to blurt it out quite like that,” she apologized. “But I did want to tell you first. I’m not staying here.” [And now comes the serious conversation.]

“You’re going back to academia?” he asked.

She took a deep breath. “No. I’m leaving Earth. At least for awhile.”

“But... what... where?” he stammered.

“I’m sorry Daniel. I just can’t do this anymore. Jack and I had a long talk the other day. He brought up the option of relocation. I’m going to Cimmeria.”

“Why? I thought things seemed to be going well.”

“I suppose.” She took a deep breath and began to explain. “Ever since that thing was removed from me, I’ve felt out of place and lost. I don’t have any family remaining. To everyone outside of this facility, I’m long presumed dead and gone. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great place. It’s wonderful to be around you.” She paused for a few seconds. “But just about every day that I’ve been here, I’ve felt like an invisible weight is crushing me just a little bit more.” [Finally she levels with him and admits that it’s just not working for her.]

Daniel looked both hurt and disappointed. “It really hasn’t been that long. Is leaving the answer?” [A legitimate question.]

“Maybe not. But it feels right. I thought it would get better, but if anything the nightmares and anxiety have gotten progressively worse. Every day here is like one long reminder of what happened to me. I’ve been here for what? two months? In that time there’s been death, near-death, violence... Every incident makes things that much harder.” [And here’s where she articulates that it’s been a bit of a death of a thousand cuts for her. Every loss just magnifies her feelings of uneasiness and fear and general unhappiness.]

“I wish you’d told me some of this before.”

“I should have. I didn’t mean to be dishonest,” she said regretfully. “I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“You could tell Jack?”

Sarah nodded.

“But not me?”

“Jack happened by when I was near a breakdown, and we started talking. I think he’d guessed a lot before I even said anything.”

“And he wanted to send you away?” Daniel sounded cross.

“He suggested the idea. By the next day I knew what I wanted. This may not be a long term solution, but for now I believe that it’s the right one.”

“I’m still not sure I understand why you didn’t think you could come to me.”

“I’m not sure how to explain it. But, you’re almost too close. I just... I didn’t know how to tell you... When I’m around you... It... it makes me feel bad that I don’t feel better.” [Fans of Buffy may recognize this as a steal of a line from an episode. It stuck with me because it’s such a good line about how people who care about you the most (and who you most care about) can unintentionally almost make you feel worse.]

Daniel looked shocked. “I make you feel that way?”

Sarah hastened to clarify. “It’s not you, it’s me.” She rolled her eyes at herself. “Oh God. I know how trite that sounds,” she said sadly. “I’ll try to explain. I’ve been trying to be Sarah Gardner, but, honestly, I don’t know who that is anymore. I said before that people on the outside think I’m dead. They’re not far wrong. I’m not the same person that I was three years ago. I don’t think that I can be that person. Or if I want to be that person. Too much has happened. I think... I think I need to be someplace where nobody has any expectations of me because of who I was. A new start in a new place is very appealing. And Jack assures me that we’ll still be in contact with each other. So this won’t be a permanent good-bye. [Sometimes you just have to make a break with everything and turn over a fresh page.]

“It sounds like your mind is made up.”

“It is. I hope you’ll support me on this.”

Daniel sighed. “I think a part of me knew that you weren’t happy, but I hoped that you would find a home here. If you’re sure this is what you want, of course I won’t stand in your way. I’m going to miss you.” [Here Daniel acknowledges what he knew but didn’t want to admit, what he was hoping would pass in time.]

“I’m going to miss you too.”

“When are you leaving?”

“It hasn’t been fixed yet, but soon. Within the next couple of days, I think.”

“Wow, that soon.” Daniel seemed shellshocked by the entire conversation.

“I know this is sudden, but now that the decision is made, I want to get on with it.”

“I understand,” he said not looking entirely like he did.

Sarah stood up. “Well, I’m not gone yet, and at least for the next day or so I’ve got a job to do.”

Daniel stood up too. He pulled her into a hug. “I can’t pretend that I’m not disappointed, but you’ll always have my support, no matter what.”

“Thank you, Daniel. That means a lot to me. Are we still having dinner tonight?”

“I think we’d better take the chance while we can. Besides, this may be your last opportunity for curry for a long time. You’re sure you don’t want to reconsider? Not even for curry?” he cajoled.

“Not even for curry.” They traded small, melancholy smiles.

Sarah walked away.

**************************************

Daniel unhappily followed Sarah’s departure with his eyes. He had enjoyed having Sarah back in his life. It was a tie to the time before the SGC existed, before he had seen the stargate, before he had blown up his reputation with his theories about pyramids and landing pads. He had not realized how much that tie had meant to him until he learned that it would end. [It occurred to me as I was writing that Daniel might miss having ongoing collegial relations with people he went to school or enjoyed the field of archaeology with. Sarah would be a marker of a different time and someone that doesn’t only know him in connection with the SGC or the Stargate or the military. He might like that.]

He heaved a sigh and directed his gaze back to his worktable. There were translations needing his attention. Daniel had been itching to get at the writing that SG-2 had found on P3X-439. With a little more force than necessary, he shelved the binders from the project that Sarah had done for him, pulled out a couple of reference books, a fresh legal pad, and switched on his computer.

The more he tried to focus on finding patterns and context in the text in front of him, the more he found his concentration wandering. He was quietly fuming. Learning that someone he cared about was leaving so soon after such a disturbing field trip was a blow. He knew that blame was pointless regarding Sarah’s departure, but he still cast his mind to assigning responsibility to someone. As Daniel was grappling with the issue, Jack walked in.

“Hey.” Jack said. He walked up to the worktable and leaned over it, resting his forearms on the surface.

“Jack,” Daniel answered his voice chilly. [He can’t be angry with Sarah, so Jack will have to stand in.]

Jack raised his eyebrows fractionally at Daniel’s tone but otherwise he ignored it. “So I’ve seen the reports of what went down in LA,” he said conversationally.

“Yes,” Daniel said curtly.

“Sounds like you had a time of it,” Jack commented.

“Yes, well, count on the NID to take a bad idea and make it worse.” Daniel had still not looked directly at Jack. “Just once I’d like to hear about an NID operation that involves harnessing the power of puppies for peace.”

“Come on. You know if they were in charge of operation like that it would probably involve sacrificing the puppies and then drinking their blood.”

“True.” Daniel’s lips twitched in spite of himself.

“So,” Jack said carefully. “I just saw Sarah. She said that she talked to you earlier.”

“Yes,” Daniel said in a tight voice. “I hear it was your idea to send her away.”

“I suggested leaving as an option to consider, yes.”

“Why?”

Jack sighed. “I thought you’d probably want to get into it.” He pushed himself up from the worktable, wincing slightly as he did so. His staff weapon injury was obviously still tender. He walked across the room and closed the door. Daniel glared. Jack walked back to the table.

“She was desperately unhappy. From what I can tell, she’s been hanging on by a thread.”

“We could have helped her. I could have helped her. You couldn’t advise her to stick it out?”

“It was one of the options on the table, just not the one she wanted.”

“And you think she chose the best one?”

“I do.”

“Again. Why?” Daniel asked with controlled frustration.

Jack took a few seconds to formulate his response. His voice was careful, measured as he laid out his reasoning. “She didn’t belong here. She doesn’t have a frame of reference for this place. Nothing in her life could have ever prepared her for being possessed by a Goa’uld. Going back to her old life isn’t really viable. Who out there can she talk to about what happened to her? Who would believe her if she could? She would have to try to rebuild her life while coming to terms with a past that she can’t share with anyone. She was unbelievably violated, and there’s little if anything out in the “real world” that’s likely to help her with that.”

“Yes, but that’s out there,” Daniel argued. “That doesn’t have to be true within the SGC.”

“You know how I said that nothing in her life prepared her for being goa’ulded? There was also nothing in her life to prepare her for the realities of life within the SGC. After all that she went through and did as Goa’uld, she landed at the SGC. What has she seen here? More violence: death, disappearance, and injury. That hasn’t helped. She needs someplace safe, she needs some peace.

This is a safe place,” Daniel objected.

“But not a peaceful one,” Jack pointed out. “Not when you’re constantly worrying about who’s hurt, or who’s missing, or attending a memorial service.”

“But it’s only been a few weeks. It would have gotten better with time.”

“It would,” Jack agreed. “With time we could make it work. But things don’t always have to be done the hard way. Living with reprehensible things that you’ve done is hard enough. If there’s a way to make things easier, why not take it?”

“She didn’t do those things,” Daniel corrected.

“Of course she didn’t, but she has the memories, which is near enough. You don’t know what it’s like to live with that.”

“And you do?”

[This is another time where I think I might have Jack being a little too talkative. But I do believe that the sentiments that Jack is expressing are in keeping with his character.]

Jack gave him a long, level look. They had entered into a topic that Jack never discussed and Daniel had never felt comfortable pursuing. Daniel dropped his eyes. He played with his coffee cup. Most of his anger had faded, but he was not ready to let the issue die. “Still,” he began.

Jack forestalled him. “There’s more,” he said quietly.

“What?” Daniel asked.

“I suggested relocation because I thought it would be helpful to her, but there’s something else. Since she’s choosing to leave, I don’t think Sarah needs to know this, but I’m not sure she’d be safe if she stayed.”

“What do you mean?” Daniel asked, perplexed.

“She’s a former Goa’uld. The NID has been wanting to get their hands on her since she’s been here.”

“She barely knows anything. The symbiote didn’t share.”

And yet,” Jack let the phrase hang.

“So why hasn’t this come up before?”

“It has. Hammond’s been able to hold them off so far,” Jack said. He picked up a jar and turned it over in his hands.

“Why is it an issue now?” Daniel took the jar out of Jack’s hands and placed it out of his reach.

“The NID's been sniffing around more than usual. This Woolsey guy seems to be a real go-getter. After everything that went wrong on 666 they’re getting more aggressive. A new president is coming into office, with our good friend Kinsey as vice-president. We can’t be sure right now that we’re going to have the protection we’ve had in the past. It seems reasonable to put her out of reach.”

[This was something that only occurred to me as I was writing the story. Once it did, it seemed obvious to me. I don’t think the NID and others wouldn’t be content to just say “oh well, I guess she doesn’t have anything to tell us.” I think it’s likely that they would continue to hound her, or hound the SGC to turn her over. That was the final piece for me that meant that leaving wasn’t just about Sarah giving up. Eventually she could have and would have worked things out if she’d stayed on Earth. But the possibility of NID interference creates the possibility of real and ongoing difficulties in achieving any sort of normal life.]

“Oh.” The last of Daniel’s anger drained away. He had not considered the possibility of an NID threat. Now that Jack had brought it up it seemed obvious. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking of it on his own. “Okay,” he said conceding the issue. “Cimmeria, huh. How did you come up with that?”

“It’s a protected planet. Between that and Thor’s Hammer, it’s safe from the Goa’uld and Jaffa, so she can be confident that she won’t have to face them. She won’t run into people there who knew her as Osiris. They’re decent and accepting. I think she’ll do well there.”

“I can think of worse choices,” Daniel agreed. “When’s she leaving?”

“Tomorrow afternoon. Sarah and I talked after she left your office. SG-1 will take her. It’s all set.”

Daniel nodded. He gave Jack a conciliatory smile. Jack nodded at him. He patted out a drumbeat on the table with his hands. Telling Daniel that he would see him later, he left the room. Daniel stared sadly into space for awhile. He sighed. The writings weren’t going to translate themselves. He poured a cup of coffee and got back to work translating the writing from 439.

[I’m not sure how good a job I did of achieving what I was trying to do. I’m a little concerned that Daniel comes across as uncaring and obtuse and Jack as overly wise. What I have in mind is that Daniel couldn’t entirely see what was going on with Sarah because he cared too much. He loved her and wanted what was best for her, so he saw things through the filter of having her back. Jack cared about her in the way that you just want people to be okay. But he didn’t have an emotional attachment to her and that made it easier for him to see what was really going on with her. Plus he had some life experiences that made it easier for him to identify with what she might be going through. I could easily see their roles reversing if it was Jack who was too close to the person in trouble and Daniel who was more detached.]

**************************************

The day passed in a whirlwind. Sarah let her colleagues know that she would be leaving the SGC and then got down to work. She wanted to leave everything as complete as possible. She was so absorbed in her work that she did not even notice at mid-afternoon when people started gathering behind her in the lab.

She heard an exaggerated cough and looked to see half a dozen people standing around looking expectant.

“Surprise!” Kate said brightly.

“You didn’t leave us much time to organize your going away party, but we have cupcakes,” Tracey said.

Sarah smiled. “You didn’t have to do this,” she told them.

“You didn’t think we wouldn’t have a send off for you did you?” Tracey asked.

“Well I’ve only been here a few weeks...”

“That’s no reason to pass up an excuse for treats,” Scott said cheerily.

“Well it’s very sweet,” Sarah said.

“So are the cupcakes, so come have one,” Kate told her.

Sarah joined the group and picked up a treat. They spent the next hour chatting amiably. Sarah looked at the group around her, surprised and touched that they would take the time for an impromptu going away party. If the circumstances had been different she could have worked happily with them for a long time. She felt a pang of regret for what might have been. She wondered briefly if she had acted too hastily in deciding to leave, then dismissed the thought. The decision was made. She had never liked saying good-bye. She knew that, more than anything else, was what was leading to the conflicting emotions.

As the cupcakes dwindled, the party gradually broke up. Each person wished Sarah well before leaving the room. They insisted that the few remaining treats go with her. As Ben told her, they would be a brief touch of something familiar when she went to her new home.

The final minutes of the workday ticked away as Sarah put the finishing touches on her work. She gave Kate a brief overview of how she had left everything and then prepared to leave. She, Kate, and Scott exchanged warm glances as they paused at the lab entrance.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for on Cimmeria,” Scott said.

“Thank you,” Sarah answered.

“It was nice working with you for these past weeks,” Kate told her.

“It was a pleasure working with you too,” Sarah told them. “You do work to be proud of here. I’m proud to say that I was part of it for awhile.”

They smiled at each other.

“Be well,” Kate said.

“Good luck,” Scott added.

“Thank you,” Sarah said. “Good night.”

“Good-bye,” Scott said.

“Bye,” Kate echoed. [I wanted to show that even though she had been there a short time, Sarah had started to make connections. And I wanted to try to capture the feeling of leaving a place, knowing that it’s right and wanting to leave, and still feeling some doubts about it.]

The two of them walked toward the elevator. Sarah stood watching them for a moment. She pulled the door to the lab closed. There was a finality to the sound of the door latching shut. She turned and walked in the direction of Daniel’s lab. She stood for a moment in the doorway as she watched him work. It was going to be hard to say good-bye to him.

She knocked on the door and walked in the room.

“Hey,” Daniel said.

“Hey, yourself. We’re still on for tonight?”

“Yeah. You want to leave in an hour or so?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll stop by your quarters to pick you up?”

“That’ll be fine.” Sarah turned to leave.

“Hey, Sam called a few minutes ago. She told Cassie that you’re leaving and she’d like to see you before you go. I told her they should come to dinner with us. Is that okay?” Daniel asked.

“Of course. I’m glad to get the chance to see her. I’ll see you in a bit.”

On the way to her quarters, Sarah ran into Teal’c.

“I understand that you are leaving us,” Teal’c said.

“Tomorrow afternoon,” she confirmed.

“You are going to Cimmeria?”

“Yes.”

“It is a good place. I believe that you can be happy there.”

“Thank you Teal’c. I hope so. I think I need the change.”

They had reached the door to her quarters. Teal’c started to walk toward his own room. Sarah called him back. “Daniel, Sam, Cassandra, and I are having dinner tonight. Would you like to join us?”

Teal’c looked pleased. “I would be honored,” he told her.

Daniel’s coming by to get me in an hour. Why don’t you wait with me?”

Daniel found them both there when he knocked on Sarah’s door an hour and half later.

“There you are,” Sarah said.

“Ready?” Daniel asked.

“I was ready thirty minutes ago when you said you’d be here,” Sarah said with a pointed look at the clock, but she was smiling as she spoke. “By the way, Teal’c’s coming with us.” [Every group has one person who’s perpetually late. For some reason, I see Daniel filling that role.]

“Great. So’s Jack. I ran into him at the elevator and asked him if he wanted to come.”

“So it’ll be a regular party tonight,” Sarah commented.

“It will be fun,” Teal’c said gravely.

A plaintive shout came from the distance. “Is there a plan to actually leave?”

Daniel rolled his eyes. “Hold your horses Jack, we’re on the way,” he called back.

“I’m already holding the elevator. I’m hungry. Let’s go!” [And every group has one person who gets things moving. Jack seems the logical choice here.]

“I’m hungry too,” Sarah laughed. She and Teal’c stood up and walked toward the door.

“We’re coming,” Daniel said in an exasperated voice as he preceded the other two down the hall. “Happy now?” he asked as he arrived at Jack’s side.

“Ecstatic.”

Sarah and Teal’c caught up and boarded the elevator. Daniel and Jack continued to trade sardonic looks as the doors closed.

The ensuing moment of silence was broken by Teal’c. “Perhaps it would be helpful if someone would press the button for the first floor,” he suggested. [The humor is a little sophomoric perhaps, but sadly I’m not above that.]

Jack, who was standing by the panel, pressed the button with unnecessary vigor and glared at a smirking Daniel. Teal’c appeared to find something fascinating in the upper corner of the car. Sarah stifled giggles.

Thirty minutes later they arrived at the restaurant. They met Sam and Cassandra who were waiting for them in the lobby. In short order the six of them were seated at a table looking at menus. A gentle sense of bonhomie fell over the group. They ordered, received, and lingered over their food. The discussion ranged from Cassie’s upcoming college year, to past adventures of the team, to starting over in new places. [I hope I was able to capture a bit of the warmth of friends gathering for a special occasion.]

It was the best night Sarah had had since being back on Earth. She felt a warm affection for her dinner companions as she looked around the table. She had looked forward to making a fresh start, but she was suddenly seized with apprehension at going into the unknown, filled with unknown people.

“Are you worried about moving to a new world?” Sarah was unsure whether Teal’c had sensed her nervousness or if coincidence led to the question.

“A little,” she admitted. “Suddenly it seems so far away.”

“I too have relocated to a different world from my home,” Teal’c said. “I came here because I could no longer stay where I was. Chulak will always be my home, but Earth has become a home for me too. Cimmeria can become a home for you.”

“It will,” Cassie piped up with her own reassurance. “I was able to find a home on a new world too. You’ll get along okay.” [Who better than Teal’c and Cassie to understand what it’s like to move to a strange new world?]

“With the stargate we’re only ever a step away,” Sam added. “It’s not like you’re going into exile. If it doesn’t work out for you there, you can come back easily enough.”

Daniel gave Jack a quick look at the use of the word exile. Jack studiously avoided his glance, keeping his attention on Sarah. He looked at her thoughtfully. “I think when you get there you’ll be able to find your way.”

Sarah smiled at him. “And if I don’t, Earth is just a step away.”

“Just a step away.” Jack gave her one of his rare smiles in return.

Daniel looked around. The restaurant had emptied. The staff was starting to send meaningful looks in their direction. “Uh, I think it’s time to settle up the check,” he said.

The bill was passed around as individuals tried to identify their portions. As Sam started painstakingly dividing out what each person owed, Jack gave an impatient sigh and plucked the bill out of her hand.

“Oh for crying out loud! The rest of you just chip in for the tip.” He pulled a credit card from his wallet and waved it in the direction of the waitress.

Daniel gave Sam a surreptitious thumbs up. “Way to go,” he mouthed at her. Sam grinned back at him. Sarah looked away to keep from laughing. Perhaps sensing the private communications going on behind him, Jack turned back toward them with a frown.

Teal’c headed him off with a change of subject. “Do we have any missions coming up?” he asked.

Jack switched his suspicious glare from Sam and Daniel to Teal’c. Teal’c met his gaze with an expression of polite interest.

“No. It’s going to be another couple of days before I’m cleared for field duty. Other than escorting Sarah to Cimmeria, there’s nothing on the schedule.”

“You’re all going with me?” Sarah asked.

“If you want us to,” Jack told her.

“Please. I would appreciate that.”

“Then we will,” Daniel said lightly.

The waitress brought Jack’s credit card and printout to the table. Jack signed the receipt and put his card away. “Since your plan to stick me with the bill worked, I expect the rest of you to be generous with the tip,” he said. Jack stood up to put on his jacket. Daniel and Sam traded sheepish looks. When Sarah and Cassandra laughed out loud, Jack winked at them. [I like people thinking they’re pulling something over on someone only to learn that the person knew what was happening all along.]

The group walked out to the parking lot in good spirits. They stopped at Sam’s car. They remained standing, seemingly reluctant to end the evening. There had been a few “wells” and “it’s getting lates” traded when Cassandra suddenly exclaimed, “Oh!”

Everyone looked at her.

“I almost forgot that I have something for you,” she said to Sarah. Opening the passenger door, she retrieved a small box. “I thought you might like another supply of tea to take with you when you go,” she said giving it to Sarah.

“Thank you Cassie. That was thoughtful of you.” Sarah leaned down to hug her.

“Good luck,” Cassandra told her.

“Thank you. Good luck to you too. Take care of yourself,” Sarah said softly.

“We really should be going,” Sam said, opening the driver’s side door. “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

After trading a few more good-byes, Sarah and Cassandra left.

Jack looked around at the other three. “Well, I’ll be going too. See you tomorrow. Goodnight kids,” he said pleasantly. He waved at them and walked to his truck.

Daniel drove Sarah and Teal’c back to the base. He accompanied them to their floor. Wishing the other two a good night, Teal’c went to his quarters. Daniel walked Sarah to her door. She stepped in and motioned for Daniel to follow.

“I’ve separated out the books and journals that need to go back to you. Why don’t I give them to you now, while I’m thinking of it?” She pointed them out on the corner of the table.

“Thanks.”

Daniel walked over to the table. He remained standing there. Daniel and Sarah looked at each other. Both seemed to be searching for words. At last, Sarah ended the silence.

“Why don’t you have a seat?” Sarah invited. “Keep me company for awhile. I’ll brew up a pot of tea.”

“Okay,” Daniel smiled.

Sarah busied herself with her supplies. Before long, they were both sitting down with cups of tea.

“So,” Daniel said. “Your last night.”

“My last night,” Sarah said.

They sat quietly, sipping their tea.

“And you found it absolutely necessary to tell the Peruvian rodeo story at dinner?” Daniel asked, sounding aggrieved. [I have no idea what the Peruvian rodeo story is. I leave it to your imagination. What? I have to do all the work?]

“Yes. I don’t think I’ve fully taken advantage of the opportunity to share embarrassing stories from your past. I thought I’d better get one in quickly,” Sarah twinkled at him.

Daniel sighed. “I’m never going to hear the end of this from Jack.”

“Oh I’m sure he’ll get tired of it after a day or two,” Sarah said airily.

“Yeah, sure.” Daniel said doubtfully, but without rancor.

Sarah poured another cup of tea for him as a peace offering. He noticed a box on the table.

What’s that?”

“Cupcakes. They had a little going away part for my this afternoon and left me with the leftovers. Want one?”

“I don’t mind if I do.”

They settled in for tea and cupcakes. The night slipped away as they chatted easily, reminiscing about old times and old jokes. Hours later Daniel yawned and looked at his watch. It was 4:00.

“Well, you’ve got a big day tomorrow. Or, I guess it’s today now,” he corrected himself, standing up. “You should get some sleep.”

Sarah stood up too. “I didn’t realize it had gotten so late. Time flies.” She walked Daniel to the door. “Don’t forget your books,” she said handing them to him.

He took them from her, nodding his thanks. “I’ll see you later.”

“Have a good night Daniel.” She closed the door gently behind him. [One last night of conversation and memories between old friends.]

Sarah did a quick cleanup of the tea supplies and threw away the now empty box that had once held cupcakes. She looked at the few items that still needed to be packed but decided to finish that up later. Yawning and content, she went to bed.

Her sleep was interrupted once by bad dreams. It was her worst recurring nightmare, the one where she tortured and killed all of the people she had ever known and loved. She woke up in a cold sweat. This time, though, she was able to turn away the worst thoughts and fears that usually followed her nightmares. It wasn’t me, she reminded herself. I wouldn’t do those things. I’m going to a place that the Goa’uld can’t follow. I’m safe now. Her breathing steadied. She felt herself begin to relax. I’m safe now. The words calmed her. With a small smile and a thought of gratitude for the people who had rescued her--not only from Osiris, but also from her own despair--she fell into a peaceful sleep.

**************************************

Sarah awoke at mid morning to feelings of anticipation, nervousness, and excitement. Today was the day. She got out of bed, showered, dressed, and looked around the room. She picked up the large duffle bag in the corner and began packing the few items she planned to take with her. Clothes, books, toiletries, tea leaves, and teapot were all carefully added to the bag. She checked and double-checked the bag and the room, making sure she had not missed anything. She set the books to return to Sam on the table along with a note identifying to whom they belonged. After a moment’s thought she put the electric kettle beside the books with another note suggesting that Cassandra could take it with her to college. She made the bed. As she paced around the room trying to figure out what to do next, her stomach growled.

Food. That would help her fill some time. It was nearly noon. She might as well have some lunch. She went to the commissary and sat down in a far corner. She ate and people-watched, marveling at how different it all looked to her now than it had two months ago when she first arrived. She had had time to see and learn what the people on the base did. She respected them. And she knew now that she could never be one of them. It was not her world and never could be. She hoped, however, that she would always be in touch with it. If she was ever in a position to help these people, she would; just as they had been a help and refuge for her when she had needed one. She turned these thoughts over in her head, her confidence growing that she was making the right choice. [The doubts are there, but excitement grows for what’s to come.]

Her meal finished, Sarah left the commissary and decided to take a final tour of the facility. She walked through the exercise room, then the infirmary. She felt a pang at not seeing Janet in her accustomed place. It was still hard to believe that she was gone. Sarah prowled along the other floors, passing by labs and offices. She stopped to chat with a few people who wanted to wish her well. She waved and smiled at others who called greetings to her as she walked by. She boarded the elevator and pressed the button for her floor. It stopped on the floor above hers and Jack got on.

“I was just coming to look for you,” he said.

“And here I am.”

“You’ll be ready to leave at 2:00 as scheduled?”

Sarah checked her watch. It was 1:30. “Yes. I’m ready now,” she told him.

“All right then. Come down to the boardroom by 2:00 and we’ll get started.”

The elevator doors opened and she stepped out on her floor. “I’ll be there,” she said.

The doors started to close, but Jack stopped them. He leaned out. “I can’t thank you enough for passing along that story from the dig in Peru.” The look of suppressed glee on his face was almost alarming.

She chuckled. “Daniel expressed some dismay that I shared that. I told him I was sure it wouldn’t be a big deal... He didn’t seem convinced,” she concluded innocently.

“You think I shouldn’t use that information?”

“I’d be very disappointed if you did not. I’d hate to think that I wasted my time in telling that story,” Sarah said mischievously.

Jack looked like he was proud of her. “Oh I’m sure I’ll be able to get a lot of mileage just out of him knowing that I know. You know?” He looked at her out of the corners of his eyes and allowed the doors to close. [Another bit that’s perhaps a little sophomoric, but I like it.]

Sarah walked to her room, smiling and shaking her head. She checked her bag again, then sat down for a few minutes to collect her thoughts. She looked around the room that had been her home for the last few weeks. The accommodations had not been luxurious, but they had served her well enough while she struggled with the aftermath of alien possession. For that, she would always be thankful. [I was hoping to capture that sort of restless feeling when you're not quite gone yet, but you're not quite there anymore either.]

She stood up and slung her bag over her shoulder. It was time to go. She left the room and made her way to the boardroom.

Daniel and Sam were already there, talking quietly.

“All set?” Sam asked her.

“I think so,” Sarah said with a hint of apprehension.

They smiled their understanding.

Teal’c and Jack walked into the room. General Hammond approached from his office at the same time.

“I wanted to wish you well before you left,” he told Sarah.

“Thank you General Hammond. Thank you for the opportunity to stay here.”

“It’s been our privilege. We’ll keep in touch, so let us know how you’re doing. We’re always here if you need us.”

“Thank you.” She held out her hand.

Hammond shook it. “Good luck to you.”

Thank you,” she said again.

“Are we ready?” Jack asked.

Everyone nodded. “Let’s get moving then,” Jack said.

They began walking downstairs. General Hammond parted company with them and went to the control room while SG-1 and Sarah went on to the gate room. They milled around at the foot of the ramp, performing typical pre-trip actions: adjusting clothing, shifting from one foot to another, or sending glances darting about the room. Teal’c stood still, looking stoicly at the gate.

“Okay, then. Let’s get this show on the road. Dial the gate Sergeant!” Jack called.

The gate began to spin as the chevrons engaged. Sarah watched with interest. When the final chevron locked and the gate kawooshed to life, she yelped and took a tiny hop backwards.

“I suppose I’ve done this before, but I don’t really have a memory of it,” Sarah said hesitantly. There was wonder on her face as she stared at the shimmering event horizon. [I’m not sure if that was a reasonable point or not. Would she remember going through gates while she was a host? How much? Or would it be more like remembering a dream? I’m still not sure.]

“SG-1, you have a go. Godspeed Sarah.” General Hammond’s voice came from the control room.

“Thank you, sir. Let’s move out.” Jack said.

Teal’c and Sam walked up the ramp, with Jack on their heels. Daniel picked up Sarah’s bag in one hand and touched her lightly on the shoulder. He gave Sarah a word of encouragement and they followed the others.

Sarah watched as the other three stepped into the puddle. She came to a stop at the gate’s threshold. Daniel halted with her.

“We just step into that and it takes us to another planet.” She touched the puddle cautiously.

“Yes. It’s like seven league boots that allow you to step across the galaxy,” Daniel offered.

“And it’s safe?”

“It’s safe. Ready?”

She looked at the gate, then looked behind her. She took a deep breath and looked at Daniel. “Ready,” she said.

Daniel took her hand. “Let’s go then. On three. One... Two... Three.”

On three, Sarah looked back at General Hammond and the technician in the control room. She waved at them, then facing forward again, she closed her eyes and stepped with Daniel through the gate.

**************************************

Daniel and Sarah stepped out into another world. She stumbled slightly, regained her balance, and, shading her eyes against the sudden glare of sunlight, she surveyed the horizon with interest. Daniel kept her hand in his. Teal’c, Sam, and Jack were looking up at her. A woman she had never seen before was standing with them.

“Wow, that was...” Sarah’s sentence remained unfinished.

“It’s a trip isn’t it?” Jack said understandingly.

“Yes,” Sarah breathed. Daniel squeezed her hand and walked her over to the others.

“Sarah, this is Gairwyn.” Daniel said by way of introduction. “She’s mistress here and will help you out.” [And we meet an old friend.]

“Hail and welcome,” Gairwyn greeted her. “We are pleased to have a friend of SG-1 join us.”

“Thank you,” she said. “I hope that I will have something to offer in return.”

“I’m sure you will,” Gairwyn smiled. “It is but a short walk to the village.”

They walked at a leisurely pace in the direction of the community. Sam, Daniel and Gairwyn chatted quietly, exchanging news and gossip. Sarah listened to the conversation while examining the countryside around them. They followed a path that sloped gently upward. In the near distance she could see forests. Foothills and mountains were visible far on the horizon. Within fifteen minutes they reached a plateau. Sarah could see slender stalks of a crop of some sort lined up in neat rows in nearby fields. It looked and felt like Cimmeria was in mid Spring.

Their path became a wide street lined with tidy, well spaced timber and stone houses. They had arrived at the village. The street led to a spacious town center. They stopped to give Sarah a chance to take in her surroundings. The center was roughly in the shape of a circle, with six streets leading out from it like spokes. A bell tower stood in the center. Large, shady trees graced the the perimeter of the common area. Sturdy tables and chairs were in view. On the far side, a group of children were kicking a ball amongst themselves. They appeared to be around the age of ten. One of them looked up and caught sight of the newly arrived group and pointed them out to the others. [This is me trying to describe a physical setting. Not one of my strong suits. But I think it’s okay-ish,]

“Colonel O’Neill!” one of the boys shouted.

“Bambinos!” he shouted back.

All five children came running. A confusion of voices called out “Sam!” “Daniel!” Teal’c!” “How long are you staying?” “Is she the one that’s moving here?” They threw themselves on various members of SG-1 in welcome. Laughter and chaos reigned for a few minutes. Sarah could see others standing in the streets near the common area watching the commotion with interest. [I like the idea of SG-1 having a long standing friendship with the people on Cimmeria.]

At last Gairwyn made her voice heard above the din. “All right, children. That’s enough. Our friends can only stay for a little while this time. Yes, this is Sarah Gardner. She will be staying, if you haven’t scared her off yet.”

They studied her curiously.

“Hello,” she said a little shyly.

They smiled shyly back.

“And now, we have things to discuss.” She looked at the children. “You’ll get the chance to meet our newcomer later. Go on now.” She made shooing motions with her hands.

The children made sounds of protest, but scattered back onto the green. Gairwyn smiled and led her guests along the edge of the common area until turning down one of the streets. They followed her up the walkway and into the dwelling at the head of the street. The front room was a pleasing sight. Embroidered wall hangings in green, gold, and red decked two of the walls. A large fireplace took up much of a third wall. Handsome wooden furniture, topped with comfortable cushions was spread about the room. A good sized window faced the street. In the mornings, sunlight would stream into the room. At mid afternoon, the natural light was beginning to fade. [Again, me trying to set a scene.]

A tall, blond, sturdy man entered the room from another part of the house. SG-1 looked at each other with raised eyebrows, but greeted the man by name. Gairwyn made introductions.

“Aandress, this is Sarah Gardner. Sarah, this is Aandress.” Gairwyn smiled shyly. “My husband. We were joined last week.” [And life goes on. Tragedy struck her family years ago, but she has built a new life and found a new companion. So there's hope that Sarah can too.]

Cries of surprise greeted her statement.

“You waited this long to tell us?” Congratulations!” Sam exclaimed.

“Congratulations!” Daniel and Jack echoed.

“May you enjoy many happy years together,” Teal’c said solemnly.

“Thank you,” Gairwyn said. Aandress beamed and shuffled his feet bashfully.

A happy energy filled the room. Sarah could not help but smile along with the others.

“Please be seated,” Gairwyn told her guests. “I have prepared a modest repast.” She gestured to Aandress and both disappeared into a back room. They reappeared a few moments later carrying heavily laden trays which they carefully set down on the table in the middle of the room.

“Come, eat, drink,” Gairwyn invited.

They gathered around the table. They picked up plates and selected meat pastries and fruit. Gairwyn poured mead into glasses for each of them. Soon everyone was eating appreciatively. Aandress build a fire in the fireplace. A cozy sense of contentment stole over the group.

Conversation centered around the spring planting, and the new shops that had opened in the past year.

“It sounds like things keep getting better,” Daniel commented.

“Yes,” Gairwyn said. “Baldr [I googled Norse gods and goddesses for an Asgard name. Baldr was the god of truth and light.] was most helpful as we rebuilt.”

“Baldr? Rebuilt?” Sarah asked, lost.

“Baldr is our Asgard friend. A few years ago the Etins came and destroyed much,” Aandress explained.

“Etins?”

“Goa’uld,” Daniel clarified.

“I thought the Goa’uld couldn’t come here,” Sarah said in confusion and alarm.

“Yes, well, a few years ago we sort of destroyed Thor’s Hammer, which was protecting Cimmeria,” Daniel said uncomfortably.

“Destroyed?” Sarah asked uneasily.

“It’s been rebuilt,” Jack assured her. “We managed to hold off the Goa’uld who invaded long enough for the Asgard to ride to the rescue. Cimmeria is very much protected now.”

“Oh.”

Emotionally it felt almost as if shadows of gloom were creeping about the edges of the room. The lazy peace had been disrupted by the memories of that unhappy event.

“That was years ago,” Gairwyn said serenely. “It was a bad time. We lost much. But the people of Midgard have been our good friends ever since. We have met the Asgard who watch over us and guide us. Life here is good.” [Life finds a way.]

As Gairwyn was speaking, Aandress stoked the fire. The combination of Gairwyn’s calm voice and the cheerful flames from the fire chased away the literal and figurative shadows. They all relaxed back into the warmth.

Gairwyn spoke again. “Sarah. We thought you could stay with us at least for awhile.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose on you as newlyweds.” Sarah said.

“We would welcome your company. I understand that, like Daniel, you study the past?”

“I’m trained in archaeology,” Sarah answered.

“We have finished a new building. It will display objects from our past. People will visit and learn our history. In our council meeting yesterday, we wondered if you would like to help with it.”

“You’re opening a museum?” Daniel asked with interest.

“Museum?” Gairwyn repeated.

“On Earth we have museums that hold artifacts from our past as well as records and papers for research,” Daniel explained.

“I see. Then, yes, a museum. It was Baldr’s idea. We have been calling it a repository.”

The idea caught Sarah’s interest. “I think I’d like that. It would help me to learn about this place.”

“Good,” Gairwyn smiled. “We’ll spend your first few days letting you become accustomed here. Then we can get you started with the work.” [Well, wasn’t that convenient for Sarah?]

Sarah felt her heart lift. For all of her talk about making a fresh start, she had been uncertain as to what that would or could entail. She stopped feeling like she was simply a refugee escaping from her past. She looked forward to meeting the opportunity to contribute that lay before her.

The afternoon passed swiftly. Sooner than anyone was really prepared for it, Jack checked his watch and commented that they were due back at the base. No movement followed his observation. Several minutes later, Gairwyn suggested showing Sarah her room.

Gairwyn and Sarah stood up. Sarah picked up her bag and followed Gairwyn through the kitchen and up the stairs. Hers was a small room at the end of the hall. A bed, chair, and a small chest of drawers furnished the room. A wall hanging of horses galloping across a plain adorned one wall. A window looked out on the sky where the sun was dropping. The ceiling slanted down toward the window, following the line of the house’s roof. It was a spare, but cozy room. Sarah liked it at once.

Sarah dropped her bag on the foot of the bed and walked to the window. Looking out and to the left she could see part of the common area. Looking to the right she could see some of the fields of grain that she had observed when they walked into town. It was an idyllic scene. She turned to look at Gairwyn who had stayed in the doorway watching her.

“I hope this will suit,” Gairwyn said.

“Oh yes. Very much.” Sarah said. “I can’t thank you enough for taking me in. I hope it’s not too much trouble to have me here.”

“Not at all. We are delighted.” Gairwyn turned back to the hallway. “Shall we go back down?”

They returned to the front room. Jack was fussing with his shoelaces. Sam was talking quietly with Aanderss. Daniel was examining one of the intricate wall hangings. Teal’c was raiding the food tray. Daniel gave Sarah an inquiring look upon her reentry. [It’s a little thing, but I like this paragraph because to me it seems very on target for the members of SG-1.]

“Everything okay?” he asked.

“More than okay,” she said quietly.

“Good,” Daniel smiled.

Jack got to his feet. “I’m glad to hear it. You do want to stay then?”

“I do,” she said sincerely.

“Well, we are due back at the base,” Jack said addressing the room at large.

Everyone gathered near the door. They stopped there, looking at each other. No one seemed to know what to say or do next. The awkward silence grew. At last Gairwyn spoke.

“I’ll walk you to the portal.”

“I’ll join you,” Sarah said.

That broke the spell and the group went into motion. Sarah and Gairwyn accompanied SG-1 out the door. Aanderss waved to them from the doorway. They walked quietly through the village, along the the common area to the street that led in the direction of the stargate. The sun was low on the horizon behind them. It cast the village and sky in a glow of orange and pink. The temperature had begun to drop along with the setting sun. [I think I may have been trying a little too hard to set the scene here.]

They reached the DHD. Gairwyn and SG-1 exchanged good-byes amid promises that the next visit would be longer. Gairwyn then stepped tactfully aside.

Sam hugged Sarah. “I hope that you’ll be happy here.”

“Thank you,” Sarah replied. “And thank you for your friendship. I’m glad to know you.”

“Good luck,” Sam told her.

“And to you,” Sarah replied.

Sarah turned to Teal’c.

“I have enjoyed your friendship Sarah Gardner,” he said.

“And I yours,” she replied hugging him. “I’m counting on you to bring me book 5,” she added. “I may be off-world, but I still want to keep up with what happens at Hogwarts.”

“On that you may depend,” Teal’c promised.

The others watched the exchange with benevolent amusement.

Sarah turned to Jack next. She searched for the words to convey her appreciation.

“Don’t I get a hug too?” he asked her.

“Of course.” She stepped closer and embraced him. “Thank you,” she whispered. The words were heartfelt and, she thought, inadequate.

“Good luck,” he told her.

She nodded.

She shifted her attention to Daniel. They looked at each other with feeling.

Sarah spoke first. “I’ll miss you most of all,” she said as she stepped up for one more hug. [There has to be an oblique reference to the Wizard of Oz every once in awhile doesn’t there?]

“I’ll miss you too.”

For the first time since embarking on the journey, Sarah choked up. “I hate saying good-bye,” she said, her voice thick.

“Then let’s not. We’ll just say so long. We’ll see each other again. At least this time I know that you’re safe.”

“Yes, there’s that,” she sniffled. “And you be safe too.”

“That’s always one of our goals,” he said.

They broke apart enough to face each other. “Be happy,” he said softly.

She gave a shaky laugh and wiped her eyes. “For the first time in a long time, I feel like that’s possible.”

“That’s good,” he said. “I’m always there for you if you need me.”

She nodded. “The same to you.”

She stepped back and looked at all four members of SG-1. “Thank you so much for your help and support. It’s meant so much to me. Thank you for rescuing me from the Goa’uld. And thank you for rescuing me from myself. I could never repay you all.”

“Be well. That’s all we want,” Daniel told her.

“That’s one of my goals,” Sarah repeated Daniel’s words back to him with a smile. She gave each of them a long look and a smile. She held up her hand for a few seconds, palm out, in a gesture that seemed to be part wave, part benediction. She nodded at Gairwyn. Then, without a backward glance she began walking back to the village. [She’s really and truly ready and able to move forward.]

**************************************

SG-1 watched as Sarah and Gairwyn walked away. The figures were dark against the backdrop of the sun that was now barely above the horizon.

“Dial us home Daniel,” Jack said softly.

Daniel turned to the DHD. He pushed the sequence of symbols and the gate engaged. Sam operated the GDO. One by one they stepped through. Daniel was last. He paused at the threshold to take a last look around. Squaring his shoulders, he stepped into the puddle.

“Welcome back SG-1. I trust everything went well?” General Hammond was standing at the bottom of the ramp.

“Smooth as silk,” Jack answered.

“Glad to hear it. We’ll see you when you report for duty tomorrow. Have a good night.”

Thank you sir,” Jack answered.

They exited the room. General Hammond returned to his office while SG-1 headed for the elevator. Nobody was in a talkative mood. The first stop was for Teal’c. Wishing the others a good night, he departed the elevator for his quarters. A few floors later, Sam stepped off so that she could go to her lab, leaving Daniel and Jack alone.

“You going to be all right?” Jack asked. [And now Daniel and Jack have their final reconciliation about this whole topic.]

“Yes,” Daniel answered. The elevator dinged as it stopped at his floor. He held the door as he continued talking. “I’m sorry that Sarah’s not staying, but I know now that this was the right thing. I think she can be happy there.”

“I do too.”

“And she’s in a safe place,” Daniel added.

“Yes she is.”

Daniel had not put together until that instant just how carefully Jack had chosen when he suggested Cimmeria as a refuge for Sarah. By virtue of her location she was now under the protection of the Asgard, out of reach to both the Goa’uld and the NID. He had to hand it to Jack, he could be awfully savvy sometimes. [Jack usually has pretty sound reasoning being his decisions.]

Daniel stepped out of the elevator doorway. “Good night,” he said.

“Good night... Cowboy,” Jack responded just as the doors closed. [But he’s also a bit of an irritant.]

Daniel gave the elevator doors a brief, resigned look, then turned away. There were a few reports that awaited Daniel’s feedback. He walked into his office and gathered the folders together. He would take them home to read. He stopped for a moment at the door preoccupied.

He turned the events of the last days and weeks over in his mind. His thoughts clarified into the belief that while things had not worked out in the way that he had hoped, they had worked out the way that they should. He was where he was supposed to be. As for Sarah--he believed that she was where she needed to be. He had to believe that she would be all right. More importantly, he thought, she seemed to believe that she would be all right. He smiled, turned out the light, and walked out feeling both exhausted and satisfied. [And now Daniel is ready to move on too. Sad about what could have been, but accepting what has to be.]

**************************************

One week later, across the galaxy, Sarah Gardner took a night time walk around the town center. She had begun work at the new Cimmerian Historical Repository. She was beginning to form friendships in the village. Living with simpler technology was an adjustment, but overall she found herself revitalized by the more basic lifestyle.

She looked up to see stars grouped into constellations she did not yet recognize. It was a brilliant sky, undimmed by any terrestrial lighting. She was enthralled by the beauty on display above her. With a start she noticed that the sense of underlying fear that had once been ever-present was gone. It had been replaced by hope and anticipation. She walked back to Gairwyn’s house.

“Sarah?” Gairwyn came into the front room at the sound of Sarah’s entrance.

“Yes, I’m home,” Sarah said.

It was late and she was tired. With a smile, she wished Gairwyn a good night and went upstairs to bed. The word home had rolled off her tongue without thought. It echoed in her head as she climbed the stairs. She was struck by the sudden realization that it was true.

She entered her room and closed the door.

“I’m home,” she whispered. [I’ll be the first to admit that this story is far from flawless. But I am quite happy with the concluding paragraphs that I wrote for Sarah.]



END