perception, reality, truth, oh who ever really knows?

[smg01]

A conversation that I saw going on at a forum where I occasionally lurk, combined with something I recently watched got me thinking. (uh oh)

One of the extras of the WKRP discs was about Jennifer and they showed a bit from one of the episodes where she and Lucille are at a bar and the waiter kept coming by with drink after drink for Jennifer other patrons. Playing off of that, in interview mode, Loni Anderson talked about an experience she had years ago. She was saying that at one point when she lived in Chicago early in her career she was trying to decide whether to go with dark or blonde hair. She conducted a little experiment. One week she went to all of the after-play hangouts as a brunette. She talked about being included in the conversations, everyone spoke to her respectfully, she was basically part of the group. The next week she went as a blonde. She talked about how men kept sending her drinks, trying to pick her up, it was an entirely different experience.

I got to thinking about that. And thinking about how she was the same person, acting the same way for both events. But people treated and responded to her differently based on nothing more than the color of her hair. And I thought about the times that I've thought I've had people pretty well pegged by a few "key" things, only to have to reevaluate after discovering other dimensions to that person that I hadn't even guessed existed. How much of what we think of people--their personality, motivations, abilities--is based based on what we think or expect them to be rather than what's true? (I'm not talking about people we've known for years, though they can surprise you too. I'm talking about the casual acquaintance or encounter where we form initial impressions and make snap judgments.)

This goes both ways--for good or ill. If I expect a blonde to be flirty, flighty, and frivolous, is that the only behavior that I see and does evidence to the contrary go unnoticed or discounted? If I assume that that conservative evangelical I just met is closed minded and unaccepting, does that mean that she is, or that I just expect it and don't give her a chance to prove otherwise? Is that person that looks kinda nerdy and serious really all that smart, or does he just seem that way because that's what I expect, so I give more weight to his words than to someone who seems less grounded? You get the idea.

I'm just sort of trying to work things out in my mind. We form opinions and reactions about and to others from the first moment we meet them. It's part of making evaluations and figuring out where things fit in our own personal environment. I'm not saying that's bad. But I've been thinking back to times when I've thought I really knew what someone was all about, only to find out that I was really, really wrong. Overall, I still think I'm a pretty good judge of people and character, but I've made some pretty big misreads over the years too. And as I've been thinking about this over the past few days, I wonder how often I've made a judgment or decision about someone based on some fairly superficial cues and then perceived everything from them that follows through the lens of what I think they are.

It all reminds me of how important it is for me to stay sensitive to new information that comes in and to be willing to alter my view of someone as circumstances warrant. Some people are not good or healthy to be around and will probably never change. Some people are airheads, and will never change. And some decent people change for the worse. I'm not really trying to say that firm opinions should never be formed or stuck to. Judgment (not judgmentalism) is important. But experience and expectation play such a huge role in perception. Our own experiences color everything that we do and think. And that's as it should be. One of my goals is to learn to recognize when and if I'm making decisions about people based on what I think or expect is the case rather than what is actually being presented to me. Sometimes people need and deserve another chance. Sometimes people need to be cut off. The trick, it seems, comes in how that decision is made and what it's based on. Not that there's anybody in my life that I'm thinking needs to be cut out. I'm just thinking in the abstract here.

Comments

[evilprettykitty.livejournal.com]

I will say I was never called sassy until I dyed my hair red.

[buffys-beasley.livejournal.com]

We all do it almost all the time and usually subconsiously. Is it 100% accurate? No! But if it didn't work as an effective filter most of the time we wouldn't use it. It's also why Stacy and Clinton of What Not To Wear have careers as fashion consultants and a TV show. Lots of us forget that people judge us on first impressions. We all use slightly different filters too. When I worked at one retail job ages ago, it use to bother me that the security employee targeted people by race, but my spidy sense was turned on by lower social economic signals. My prejudice was no more fair or reliable than the security guys pejudice was. Being aware of doing it helps to force you to look more closely. Being aware of what signals your responding to also helps.

[aka-becker.livejournal.com]

I also see the difference between her two experiences to be a lot simpler than this. She looked more appealing to the guys who saw her on the blonde night than on the brunette night and so she was hit on a lot more. I've never seen here without blonde hair. It is quite possible that being a brunette doesn't quite agree with her. That sometimes happens. A guy is going to treat a woman he is physically attracted to differently than one he isn't. There is one unknown variable. She went to all the same places, but did she run into all the same people? I just think the drink buyers found her hotter as a blonde and I don't think that there is really anything beyond that. If you're in a bar and you buy the woman a drink from across the bar, all you can base that on is looks. What the person is like comes later and I don't think I judge a person too much by how they look once I've met them.

Did that make any sense?

[suzannemarie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I get what you're saying. There are all kinds of variables recognized and unrecognized in any sort of interaction. I just got to thinking. (Not always a good thing.;)) What we see, what we think we see, and how we interpret it can be very different things, and can vary based on things as simple as a mood. It's an interesting phenomena (to me).

[suzannemarie.livejournal.com]

It is the way it is. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing particularly. I just find it interesting that perception of a person or event can be very different based on all sorts of seemingly unrelated things. Two people can look at another person's actions and based on their own experiences and expectations can have wildly different views of what's going on. Who's right? Probably both. And neither. Anyway it's what I've been thinking about lately.

[aka-becker.livejournal.com]

I'm too familiar with the mood bit. ;) It is interesting though. :)