SG-1 fic: Coming Home, pt 3
Nov. 26th, 2007 01:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smg01 Sarah’s outburst and subsequent conversation with Jack had been cathartic. She worked steadily at Daniel’s project. There was some fine tuning to do, but by the end of the day, for all intents and purposes, she had finished the organizational challenge that Daniel had left for her. At 6:00 she turned out the light and left the lab feeling pleased with the work that she had done.
After a light supper she returned to her quarters and allowed herself to actively consider the thoughts that had been lurking in the back of her mind throughout the afternoon. The more she thought about Jack’s relocation idea, the more it intrigued her. Conflicting emotions battled each other. On the one hand, to go felt like giving up and running away. On the other hand she weighed the appeal of making a fresh start in a new place. The more time she spent back on Earth, the more detached she felt. Rather than diminishing, the feeling that she didn’t belong anywhere had only grown over time.
Sarah had not realized how trapped she felt until the prospect of leaving had been presented as a viable option. She cared about Daniel. She was growing to care for his friends and colleagues--her colleagues now. She had grown to appreciate the work done at the SGC and her part in it. Even so, it wasn’t her work. It was something she had drifted into while at a crossroad. Nothing about it stirred any passion within her. The more she thought about it, the more clear it became to her that she no longer had any real ties to anything.
She turned her mind to a third possibility: leaving the SGC but staying on Earth. She could pick up her old life, or a semblance of it. That might be the healthiest thing to do, she thought. Other people don’t have the luxury of moving across the galaxy. They just put their heads down and get on with it. Why shouldn’t I do that too? Once presented to her, however, the lure of a complete break with the past was difficult to resist. She had been away so long that Earth now seemed almost like a foreign place to her. It was a place she recognized, one she loved, but it was not quite home anymore. The thought of facing people she had once known, the knowledge that the parasite that had infected her had killed her mentor and attacked her colleague filled her with dread. She would never be able to look at the world around her in the same way, look at the people that she had once known in the same way--nor they her. I can fight to reclaim my life here, she thought, but do I even want to? The answer came to her with the greatest clarity than anything since Osiris’s removal: No.
Having reached what now seemed to her to be an inevitable and obvious conclusion, a feeling of serenity came over Sarah. She smiled slightly to herself, turned out the light, and climbed into bed. She would sleep on it, she thought, and see how she felt the next day. If she did decide to go, telling Daniel would be difficult. She knew that he would be disappointed. That was not a conversation that she looked forward to, but she hoped that he would understand. She sighed and fell into a dreamless sleep.
She hopped out of bed the next morning with an unaccustomed energy. I’ve got options, she remembered. I guess I’ve always had options, but I’ve got a new one. And one that’s actually attractive to me. She moved around her quarters performing her normal morning routine. As she fixed her hair, she broke off suddenly and stared at herself in the mirror, surprised. She had been humming to herself. Humming! She laughed a little then picked up the tune again, finished with her hair, put on her shoes, and walked cheerfully out of her quarters.
She entered the commissary, picked up some fruit and cereal and sat down to eat. She mulled Jack’s offer over again as she ate. I can leave, she thought. I can go someplace where nobody has any expectations. I can start over. The prospect of leaving had brought on an exciting feeling of optimism. There’s a way out. I can leave. I can come back later if I want. I have choices. The realization hit her like a bolt of lightning. I have choices she repeated to herself. A new realization followed on the heels of the last one. I’ve made my choice. It’s time to go. Breakfast finished, she disposed of her tray and left the commissary.
Wanting to see if doubts set in once the first rush of her decision wore off, Sarah decided not to say anything to anyone yet. She stopped by Daniel’s office to see if he had returned to the base. He was not there. She debated whether to pick up with Daniel’s project and then decided to return to her own work. If Daniel wanted her to continue, he would let her know. Besides, she wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk to him just yet. She walked down the hall to the lab that housed her work area, prepared a cup of tea, and began studying the artifacts that one of the SG teams had brought back from an abandoned planet.
As the morning went on more people showed up to work. It was one of those days when everyone was in a sociable mood. Good morning pleasantries progressed to general chatter and office gossip. Sarah made occasional contributions to the conversation but mostly she was content to observe with a smile. I’ll miss this, she thought. With a start she realized that she was already thinking of her time at the SGC in the past tense. She had become friendly with these people she worked with and she liked them, but those feelings were not strong enough to pull her back. It was, she thought, like the feelings one has toward classmates that you like but know you won’t see again after graduation.
**************************************
Sarah enjoyed a pleasant lunch with her coworkers. As the group left the commissary, Jack walked in carrying a stack of files. Sarah and Jack traded nods and continued on their paths. She returned to the lab, but after a few minutes of work she put down the artifact that she had been examining. She stared into space for a few minutes, lost in thought. She took a deep breath, stood up, and departed for the commissary.
She stopped at the door to the cafeteria. Looking around the room, she spotted Jack in the far corner. He had gotten his food and was distractedly eating while studying one of the files he had brought with him. She watched him for a moment, then threaded her way through the tables until reaching his. She paused at the chair across the table from him. Apparently occupied with his reading, he did not seem to know that she was there. Or maybe, Sarah thought, he’s just ignoring me and hoping that I’ll go away. She shrugged and sat down.
The movement of Sarah taking a seat caught Jack’s attention and he looked up with a slight frown. Seeing who had joined him, Jack’s face softened into a more welcoming expression.
“Sarah.” He closed the file he had been reading and gave her his full attention. “You look like you’re having a good day.”
“I am.” She offered a smile that lit up her whole face. A laugh bubbled up and escaped before she could suppress it.
Jack watched her genially. “What can I do for you?”
“I’ve been thinking,” Sarah started then halted.
“Oh, good for you. I try to avoid that when I can,” Jack said filling the silence.
Sarah narrowed her eyes at him. Jack gave her a bland look in return.
Anyway, Sarah picked up again, “I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had yesterday.” She stopped again.
“Yes?”
“Have Daniel, Teal’c, and Sam gotten back yet?”
Jack looked nonplussed. “I didn’t think that was where you were going with that.”
“I wasn’t,” Sarah admitted. “I just remembered that I hadn’t seen Daniel today. He’d indicated that he didn’t think he’d be gone for more than the day. I wondered if everything was all right.”
Jack looked mildly perturbed. “Oh, yes, they’re fine. The report I got was a little confused, so I don’t really know yet what happened. Apparently they needed to do some clean up, so they stayed an extra day. They should get back sometime tonight.”
“Well that’s good then. There was some discussion down in the lab about whether they’d gotten into trouble.”
“Did they lay odds on whether Daniel had died?”
Sarah stared at him. “How did you know?”
“Speculation about whether or not Daniel is dead, again, is one of the base hobbies. I think the only person who’s not aware of it is Daniel.”
Sarah giggled. “I was a little taken aback when they started talking about it, but then I got that it was just a joke. We figured if something had really happened to any of them we would have heard about it in some way.”
“The grape vine being what it is, that’s a fairly safe guess,” Jack agreed.
“Getting back to the reason that I came over here. As I said, I’ve been thinking about our conversation.” Sarah paused again.
“Yes,” Jack prompted.
“I want to take you up on it. I don’t know whether I’m leaving for a few days, a few weeks, or forever, but I want to go. I need to get away. I need to be someplace where I can figure out who I am now.”
“I think you’re making a good choice.”
“And you believe that I’ll be accepted there?” Sarah asked anxiously.
“I’m sure,” Jack told her. “I talked to General Hammond about this yesterday afternoon. He agreed that it might be a good idea for you to relocate. I also took a quick trip to Cimmeria. I spoke with one of our main contacts there and explained the situation. She assured me that you would be welcome. It’ll be a rougher existence there than you’re used to, but you’ll be safe.”
Sarah had not realized that she had been holding her breath until she exhaled with relief at Jack’s assurances.
“Understand that this will not automatically solve all of your problems,” he cautioned. “You may get there and not like it. Or you may get there and find that not as much has changed as you hoped. I suspect that part of what you’re dealing with is plain old post traumatic stress disorder. And that’s just going to take time.”
“I understand,” Sarah said soberly. “I don’t like running away, but I need to make a change. I think I need to try this.”
“It’s not running away to try to find the place where you can get better. You’ll have more personal space there. You won’t be constantly having to answer the concerned “how are you” questions,” Jack offered.
Sarah’s eyes widened in surprised recognition. “I hadn’t realized how tired I was of that question until you brought it up. I know that it’s meant well, but...”
“Somehow it makes you feel worse,” Jack finished.
Sarah nodded.
They fell into a silent understanding.
“When can arrangements be made?” Sarah broke the silence.
Jack considered. “We could do it quickly. The day after tomorrow, maybe. That will give you time to break the news to Daniel and for him to protest. Which I expect that he will--strenuously. People will want a chance to say good-bye. I don’t see why we couldn’t do it sometime this week if you want.”
“Let’s try for that. Now that the decision is made, I’m ready to get on with it.”
Jack nodded his understanding. “I’ll let General Hammond know.”
“I’ll tell Daniel first thing tomorrow,” Sarah added. “I think he should know first. After that I’m sure word will get around.”
“As words do,” Jack agreed.
Sarah nodded and smiled. “I guess that’s settled then. I’ll get back to work and let you do the same.” She stood up.
Jack also stood up, picking up his coffee cup. “Yes, these reports won’t read themselves. Unfortunately. This calls for more coffee.”
They waved at each other and he moved toward the coffee station while Sarah walked toward the exit.
Sarah returned to the lab. Ignoring the curious looks of her lab mates, she got back to work. The remainder of the day passed quickly. Absorbed in her work, quitting time came before she knew it. She looked up in astonishment as Kate and Scott packed up their work stations and prepared to leave.
“Is it that time already?” Sarah asked.
Scott looked amused. “It’s past time, actually,” he said. “You must have really been involved with what you were doing. I don’t think you heard a thing that happened this afternoon.”
Sarah gave him a rueful smile. “I was. SG-8 brought back some interesting things from their last mission,” she said with a hint of defensiveness.
“Hey, I wasn’t criticizing. It’s always good to see someone engaged in their work,” Scott laughed.
Sarah laughed back.
“Last one out turns out the lights,” Kate singsonged, walking toward the door. Scott followed her.
“Will do,” Sarah told them. “Have a good night.”
“Good night,” Scott answered.
“See you tomorrow,” Kate added.
Sarah finished up with the artifact that she had been studying. Twenty minutes later, she turned out the lights, pulling the door closed.
Sarah entered her quarters energized by having a plan and destination of her own choosing. What to do with that energy? She eyed the closet, dresser, and the items scattered around the room. There was sorting to be done.
On the leave side: the books and articles that needed to be returned to Daniel; the mystery novels to return to Sam; various papers and notes that she had saved for no discernible reason, it’s amazing how much detritus a person can accumulate in a few weeks, she marveled; the more formal clothing, shoes, and--because they didn’t belong to her anyway--the various sets of BDUs.
On the keep side: the copies of the Harry Potter books she had bought for herself after returning Teal’c’s--she patted them affectionately, still amused that it was Teal’c of all people, who shared her love for the books; the mystery novels that she had purchased, various combs, brushes, and lotions; her casual and comfortable clothes. After further consideration, she furtively moved the blue BDUs to the keep side. They are comfortable. And blue is my color she rationalized. And most importantly, her tea leaves, teapot, and infuser were set aside to take along.
Satisfied with her sorting work, Sarah engaged in a session of kel’no’reem to help her relax. She whiled away the rest of the evening with a book.
**************************************
Sarah woke up early the next morning and got in the workout that she had skipped the day before. After a shower and breakfast, she made her way to floor 18 in search of Daniel. She walked nervously down the corridor and peeked into Daniel’s lab. He was there, examining the contents of a binder. She knocked on the door and crossed the threshold.
Daniel looked up. “Sarah! Good morning.”
“Good morning. When did you get back?”
“Last night.”
“How was your trip?”
Daniel’s face clouded. Sarah walked over to the table where he was sitting.
“That bad?” she asked.
Daniel nodded glumly. “It was an experiment gone horribly wrong. An agency manipulated DNA to create a human/goa’uld hybrid. They proceeded to use and abuse her to try to learn secrets about the Goa’uld, until the Goa’uld part of her got the upper hand, killed all but one person in the facility and set the timer on a bomb that could have taken out a large portion of Orange County.”
“I assume the bomb didn’t detonate, since I didn’t hear anything about it on the news?”
“No. Anna--the human part of the hybrid--was able to call up enough memories to help us stop the countdown.”
“How is she now?” she asked.
“She killed the last surviving man, and then herself.”
“What?”
“The guy was the one who had headed up the project. And they didn’t create her for long term survival. She would have died a painful death soon anyway. So I suppose in some ways the ending is all for the best,” Daniel sighed. He looked unconvinced.
Sarah was sickened. “That’s... I don’t even know what to say. That’s horrible.”
“It was. I was not prepared for that.” Daniel closed his eyes and shook his head.
Daniel opened his eyes and deliberately changed the subject. “Do you want to get together later? It’s been awhile. Indian food tonight?”
Sarah smiled. “That would be nice.”
“Good.”
There was a brief, warm silence. Then--
“Daniel--”
“Hey, I was--”
They both stopped. After a round of “you firsts,” Daniel began again.
“I was just reading over the work that you were doing for me. It looks great. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time.”
“It just took finding someone to do it for you,” Sarah teased.
“I was planning to do it myself,” Daniel protested.
“Funny how it just happened to be on the same day you were called away.” She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. Daniel’s trip had been an unpleasant one.
He did not take offense. “It just worked out that way, that’s all.” He gave her a mischievous grin.
“Uh huh,” She grinned back at him.
Daniel ducked his head and began flipping through the binder. “Besides,” he said, “it’s not like you’re so perfect anyway. I’m going to have to go through and correct your spelling.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’ve left “u”s all over the place. Col-ower, hon-ower,” he exaggeratedly pronounced for her.
“No appreciation for my efforts to class things up for you,” she fake huffed.
“Hey, I’ve got more class than I know what to do with. Useless “u”s aren’t going to add anything in that department.
Sarah dimpled at him. They had had variations of this argument many times in years past. Her smile faded a little. “I’m leaving,” she said abruptly.
“Can’t take the heat, can you?” he joked.
“No, Daniel. I’m leaving,” she repeated.
“What do you mean?”
She walked across the room, closed the door, then came back to sit beside Daniel. “I didn’t mean to blurt it out quite like that,” she apologized. “But I did want to tell you first. I’m not staying here.”
“You’re going back to academia?” he asked.
She took a deep breath. “No. I’m leaving Earth. At least for awhile.”
“But... what... where?” he stammered.
“I’m sorry Daniel. I just can’t do this anymore. Jack and I had a long talk the other day. He brought up the option of relocation. I’m going to Cimmeria.”
“Why? I thought things seemed to be going well.”
“I suppose.” She took a deep breath and began to explain. “Ever since that thing was removed from me, I’ve felt out of place and lost. I don’t have any family remaining. To everyone outside of this facility, I’m long presumed dead and gone. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great place. It’s wonderful to be around you.” She paused for a few seconds. “But just about every day that I’ve been here, I’ve felt like an invisible weight is crushing me just a little bit more.”
Daniel looked both hurt and disappointed. “It really hasn’t been that long. Is leaving the answer?”
“Maybe not. But it feels right. I thought it would get better, but if anything the nightmares and anxiety have gotten progressively worse. Every day here is like one long reminder of what happened to me. I’ve been here for what? two months? In that time there’s been death, near-death, violence... Every incident makes things that much harder.”
“I wish you’d told me some of this before.”
“I should have. I didn’t mean to be dishonest,” she said regretfully. “I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“You could tell Jack?”
Sarah nodded.
“But not me?”
“Jack happened by when I was near a breakdown, and we started talking. I think he’d guessed a lot before I even said anything.”
“And he wanted to send you away?” Daniel sounded cross.
“He suggested the idea. By the next day I knew what I wanted. This may not be a long term solution, but for now I believe that it’s the right one.”
“I’m still not sure I understand why you didn’t think you could come to me.”
“I’m not sure how to explain it. But, you’re almost too close. I just... I didn’t know how to tell you... When I’m around you... It... it makes me feel bad that I don’t feel better.”
Daniel looked shocked. “I make you feel that way?”
Sarah hastened to clarify. “It’s not you, it’s me.” She rolled her eyes at herself. “Oh God. I know how trite that sounds,” she said sadly. “I’ll try to explain. I’ve been trying to be Sarah Gardner, but, honestly, I don’t know who that is anymore. I said before that people on the outside think I’m dead. They’re not far wrong. I’m not the same person that I was three years ago. I don’t think that I can be that person. Or if I want to be that person. Too much has happened. I think... I think I need to be someplace where nobody has any expectations of me because of who I was. A new start in a new place is very appealing. And Jack assures me that we’ll still be in contact with each other. So this won’t be a permanent good-bye.
“It sounds like your mind is made up.”
“It is. I hope you’ll support me on this.”
Daniel sighed. “I think a part of me knew that you weren’t happy, but I hoped that you would find a home here. If you’re sure this is what you want, of course I won’t stand in your way. I’m going to to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you too.”
“When are you leaving?”
“It hasn’t been fixed yet, but soon. WIthin the next couple of days, I think.”
“Wow, that soon.” Daniel seemed shellshocked by the entire conversation.
“I know this is sudden, but now that the decision is made, I want to get on with it.”
“I understand,” he said not looking entirely like he did.
Sarah stood up. “Well, I’m not gone yet, and at least for the next day or so I’ve got a job to do.”
Daniel stood up too. He pulled her into a hug. “I can’t pretend that I’m not disappointed, but you’ll always have my support, no matter what.”
“Thank you, Daniel. That means a lot to me. Are we still having dinner tonight?”
“I think we’d better take the chance while we can. Besides, this may be your last opportunity for curry for a long time. You’re sure you don’t want to reconsider? Not even for curry?” he cajoled.
“Not even for curry.” They traded small, melancholy smiles.
Sarah walked away.
**************************************
Daniel unhappily followed Sarah’s departure with his eyes. He had enjoyed having Sarah back in his life. It was a tie to the time before the SGC existed, before he had seen the stargate, before he had blown up his reputation with his theories about pyramids and landing pads. He had not realized how much that tie had meant to him until he learned that it would end.
He heaved a sigh and directed his gaze back to his worktable. There were translations needing his attention. Daniel had been itching to get at the writing that SG-2 had found on P3X-439. With a little more force than necessary, he shelved the binders from the project that Sarah had done for him, pulled out a couple of reference books, a fresh legal pad, and switched on his computer.
The more he tried to focus on finding patterns and context in the text in front of him, the more he found his concentration wandering. He was quietly fuming. Learning that someone he cared about was leaving so soon after such a disturbing field trip was a blow. He knew that blame was pointless regarding Sarah’s departure, but he still cast his mind to assigning responsibility to someone. As Daniel was grappling with the issue, Jack walked in.
“Hey.” Jack said. He walked up to the worktable and leaned over it, resting his forearms on the surface.
“Jack,” Daniel answered, his voice chilly.
Jack raised his eyebrows fractionally at Daniel’s tone but otherwise ignored it. “So I’ve seen the reports of what went down in LA,” he said conversationally.
“Yes,” Daniel said curtly.
“Sounds like you had a time of it,” Jack commented.
“Yes, well, count on the NID to take a bad idea and make it worse.” Daniel had still not looked directly at Jack. “Just once I’d like to hear about an NID operation that involves harnessing the power of puppies for peace.”
“Come on. You know if they were in charge of operation like that it would probably involve sacrificing the puppies and then drinking their blood.”
“True.” Daniel’s lips twitched in spite of himself.
“So,” Jack said carefully. “I just saw Sarah. She said that she talked to you earlier.”
“Yes,” Daniel said in a tight voice. “I hear it was your idea to send her away.”
“I suggested leaving as an option to consider, yes.”
“Why?”
Jack sighed. “I thought you’d probably want to get into it.” He pushed himself up from the worktable, wincing slightly as he did so. His staff weapon injury was obviously still tender. He walked across the room and closed the door. Daniel glared. Jack walked back to the table.
“She was desperately unhappy. From what I can tell, she’s been hanging on by a thread.”
“We could have helped her. I could have helped her. You couldn’t advise her to stick it out?”
“It was one of the options on the table, just not the one she wanted.”
“And you think she chose the best one?”
“I do.”
“Again. Why?” Daniel asked with controlled frustration.
Jack took a few seconds to formulate his response. His voice was careful, measured as he laid out his reasoning. “She didn’t belong here. She doesn’t have a frame of reference for this place. Nothing in her life could have ever prepared her for being possessed by a Goa’uld. Going back to her old life isn’t really viable. Who out there can she talk to about what happened to her? Who would believe her if she could? She would have to try to rebuild her life while coming to terms with a past that she can’t share with anyone. She was unbelievably violated, and there’s little if anything out in the “real world” that’s likely to help her with that.”
“Yes, but that’s out there,” Daniel argued. “That doesn’t have to be true within the SGC.
“You know how I said that nothing in her life prepared her for being goa’ulded? There was also nothing in her life to prepare her for the realities of life within the SGC. After all that she went through and did as Goa’uld, she landed at the SGC. What has she seen here? More violence: death, disappearance, and injury. That hasn’t helped. She needs someplace safe, she needs some peace.
This is a safe place,” Daniel objected.
“But not a peaceful one,” Jack pointed out. “Not when you’re constantly worrying about who’s hurt, or who’s missing, or attending a memorial service.”
“But it’s only been a few weeks. It would have gotten better with time.”
“Probably,” Jack agreed. “With time we could make it work. But things don’t always have to be done the hard way. Living with reprehensible things that you’ve done is hard enough. If there’s a way to make things easier, why not take it?”
“She didn’t do those things,” Daniel corrected.
“Of course she didn’t, but she has the memories, which is near enough. You don’t know what it’s like to live with that.”
“And you do?”
Jack gave him a long, level look. They had entered into a topic that Jack never discussed and Daniel had never felt comfortable pursuing. Daniel dropped his eyes. He played with his coffee cup. Most of his anger had faded, but he was not ready to let the issue die. “Still,” he began.
Jack forestalled him. “There’s more,” he said quietly.
“What?” Daniel asked.
“I suggested relocation because I thought it would be helpful to her, but there’s something else. Since she’s choosing to leave, I don’t think Sarah needs to know this, but I’m not sure she’d be safe if she stayed.”
“What do you mean?” Daniel asked, perplexed.
“She’s a former Goa’uld. The NID has been wanting to get their hands on her since she’s been here.”
“She barely knows anything. The symbiote didn’t share.”
And yet,” Jack let the phrase hang.
“So why hasn’t this come up before?”
“It has. Hammond’s been able to hold them off so far,” Jack said. He picked up a jar and turned it over in his hands.
“Why is it an issue now?” Daniel took the jar out of Jack’s hands and placed it out of his reach.
“The NID's been sniffing around more than usual. This Woolsey guy seems to be a real go-getter. After everything that went wrong on 666 they’re getting more aggressive. A new president is coming into office, with our good "friend” Kinsey as vice-president. We can’t be sure right now that we’re going to have the protection we’ve had in the past. It seems reasonable to put her out of reach.”
“Oh.” The last of Daniel’s anger drained away. He had not considered the possibility of an NID threat. Now that Jack had brought it up it seemed obvious. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking of it on his own. “Okay,” he said conceding the issue. “Cimmeria, huh. How did you come up with that?”
“It’s a protected planet. Between that and Thor’s Hammer, it’s safe from the Goa’uld and Jaffa, so she can be confident that she won’t have to face them. She won’t run into people there who knew her as Osiris. They’re decent and accepting. I think she’ll do well there.”
“I can think of worse choices,” Daniel agreed. “When’s she leaving?”
“Tomorrow afternoon. Sarah and I talked after she left your office. SG-1 will take her. It’s all set.”
Daniel nodded. He gave Jack a conciliatory smile. Jack nodded at him. He patted out a drumbeat on the table with his hands, then telling Daniel that he would see him later, he left the room. Daniel stared sadly into space for awhile. He sighed. The writings weren’t going to translate themselves. He poured a cup of coffee and got back to work translating the writing from 439.
**************************************
The day passed in a whirlwind. Sarah let her colleagues know that she would be leaving the SGC and then got down to work. She wanted to to leave everything as complete as possible. She was so absorbed in her work that she did not even notice at mid-afternoon when people started gathering behind her in the lab.
She heard an exaggerated cough and looked to see half a dozen people standing around looking expectant.
“Surprise!” Kate said brightly.
“You didn’t leave us much time to organize your going away party, but we have cupcakes,” Tracey said.
Sarah smiled. “You didn’t have to do this,” she told them.
“You didn’t think we wouldn’t have a send off for you did you?” Tracey asked.
“Well I’ve only been here a few weeks...”
“That’s no reason to pass up an excuse for treats,” Scott said cheerily.
“Well it’s very sweet,” Sarah said.
“So are the cupcakes, so come have one,” Kate told her.
Sarah joined the group and picked up a treat. They spent the next hour chatting amiably. Sarah looked at the group around her, surprised and touched that they would take the time for an impromptu going away party. If the circumstances had been different she could have worked happily with them for a long time. She felt a pang of regret for what might have been. She wondered briefly if she had acted too hastily in deciding to leave, then dismissed the thought. The decision was made. She had never liked saying good-bye. She knew that, more than anything else, was what was leading to the conflicting emotions.
As the cupcakes dwindled, the party gradually broke up. Each person wished Sarah well before leaving the room. They insisted that the few remaining treats go with her. As Ben told her, they would be a brief touch of something familiar when she went to her new home.
The final minutes of the workday ticked away as Sarah put the finishing touches on her work. She gave Kate a brief overview of how she had left everything and then prepared to leave. She, Kate, and Scott exchanged warm glances as they paused at the lab entrance.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for on Cimmeria,” Scott said.
“Thank you,” Sarah answered.
“We’ll miss you,” Kate told her. “It was nice working with you for these past weeks.”
“It was a pleasure working with you too,” Sarah told them. “You do work to be proud of here. I’m proud to say that I was part of it for awhile.”
They smiled at each other.
“Be well,” Kate said.
“Good luck,” Scott added.
“Thank you,” Sarah said. “Good night.”
“Good-bye,” Scott said.
“Bye,” Kate echoed.
The two of them walked toward the elevator. Sarah stood watching them for a moment. She pulled the door to the lab closed. There was a finality to the sound of the door latching shut. She turned and walked in the direction of Daniel’s lab. She stood for a moment in the doorway as she watched him work. It was going to be hard to say good-bye to him.
She knocked on the door and walked in the room.
“Hey,” Daniel said.
“Hey, yourself. We’re still on for tonight?”
“Yeah. You want to leave in an hour or so?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll stop by your quarters to pick you up?”
“That’ll be fine.” Sarah turned to leave.
“Hey, Sam called a few minutes ago. She told Cassie that you’re leaving and she’d like to see you before you go. I told her they should come to dinner with us. Is that okay?” Daniel asked.
“Of course. I’m glad to get the chance to see her. I’ll see you in a bit.”
On the way to her quarters, Sarah ran into Teal’c.
“I understand that you are leaving us,” Teal’c said.
“Tomorrow afternoon,” she confirmed.
“You are going to Cimmeria?”
“Yes.”
“It is a good place. I believe that you can be happy there.”
“Thank you Teal’c. I hope so. I think I need the change.”
They had reached the door to her quarters. Teal’c started to walk toward his own room. Sarah called him back. “Daniel, Sam, Cassandra, and I are having dinner tonight. Would you like to join us?”
Teal’c looked pleased. “I would be honored,” he told her.
Daniel’s coming by to get me in an hour. Why don’t you wait with me?”
Teal’c joined her in her room. Daniel found them there when he knocked on her door an hour and half later.
“There you are,” Sarah said.
“Ready?” Daniel asked.
“I was ready thirty minutes ago when you said you’d be here,” Sarah said with a pointed look at the clock, but she was smiling as she spoke. “By the way, Teal’c’s coming with us.”
“Great. So’s Jack. I ran into him at the elevator and asked him if he wanted to come.”
“So it’s be a regular party tonight,” Sarah commented.
“It will be fun,” Teal’c said gravely.
A plaintive shout came from the distance. “Is there a plan to actually leave?”
Daniel rolled his eyes. “Hold your horses Jack, we’re on the way,” he called back.
“I’m already holding the elevator. I’m hungry. Let’s go!”
“I’m hungry too,” Sarah laughed. She and Teal’c stood up and walked toward the door.
“We’re coming,” Daniel said in an exasperated voice as he preceded the other two down the hall. “Happy now?” he asked as he arrived at Jack’s side.
“Ecstatic.”
Sarah and Teal’c caught up and boarded the elevator. Daniel and Jack continued to trade sardonic looks as the doors closed.
The ensuing moment of silence was broken by Teal’c. “Perhaps it would be helpful if someone would press the the button for the first floor,” he suggested.
Jack, who was standing by the panel, pressed the button with unnecessary vigor and glared at a smirking Daniel. Teal’c appeared to find something fascinating in the upper corner of the car. Sarah stifled giggles.
Thirty minutes later they arrived at the restaurant. They met Sam and Cassandra who were waiting for them in the lobby. In short order the six of them were seated at a table looking at menus. A gentle sense of bonhomie fell over the group. They ordered, received, and lingered over their food. The discussion ranged from Cassie’s upcoming college year, to past adventures of the team, to starting over in new places.
It was the best night Sarah had had since being back on Earth. She felt a warm affection for her dinner companions as she looked around the table. She had looked forward to making a fresh start, but she was suddenly seized with apprehension at going into the unknown, filled with unknown people.
“Are you worried about moving to a new world?” Sarah was unsure whether Teal’c had sensed her nervousness or if coincidence led to the question.
“A little,” she admitted. “Suddenly it seems so far away.”
“I too have relocated to a different world from my home,” Teal’c said. “I came here because I could no longer stay where I was. Chulak will always be the home of my heart, but Earth has become my home too. Cimmeria can become a home for you.”
“It will,” Cassie piped up with her own reassurance. “I was able to find a home on a new world too. You’ll get along okay.”
“With the stargate we’re only ever a step away,” Sam added. “It’s not like you’re going into exile. If it doesn’t work out for you there, you can come back easily enough.”
Daniel gave Jack a quick look at the use of the word exile. Jack studiously avoided his glance, keeping his attention on Sarah. He looked at her thoughtfully. “It’s normal to be nervous about something like this. I think when you get there you’ll be able to find your way.”
Sarah smiled at him. “And if I don’t, Earth is just a step away.”
“Just a step away.” Jack gave her one of his rare smiles in return.
Daniel looked around. The restaurant had emptied. The staff was starting to send meaningful looks in their direction. “Uh, I think it’s time to settle up the check,” he said.
The bill was passed around as individuals tried to identify their portions. As Sam started painstakingly dividing out what each person owed, Jack gave an impatient sigh and plucked the bill out of her hand.
“Oh for crying out loud! The rest of you just chip in for the tip.” He pulled a credit card from his wallet and waved it in the direction of the waitress.
Daniel gave Sam a surreptitious thumbs up. “Way to go,” he mouthed at her. Sam grinned back at him. Sarah looked away to keep from laughing. Perhaps sensing the private communications going on behind him, Jack turned back toward them with a frown.
Teal’c headed him off with a change of subject. “Do we have any missions coming up?” he asked.
Jack switched his suspicious glare from Sam and Daniel to Teal’c. Teal’c met his gaze with an expression of polite interest.
“No. I’ve been told that it’s going to be another couple of days before I’m cleared for field duty. Other than escorting Sarah to Cimmeria, there’s nothing on the schedule.”
“You’re all going with me?” Sarah asked.
“If you want us to,” Jack told her.
“Please. I would appreciate that.”
“Then we will,” Daniel said lightly.
The waitress brought Jack’s credit card and printout to the table. Jack signed the receipt and put his card away commenting, “since your plan to stick me with the bill worked, I expect the rest of you to be generous with the tip.” He stood up to put on his jacket. Daniel and Sam traded sheepish looks. When Sarah and Cassandra laughed out loud, Jack winked at them.
The group walked out to the parking lot in good spirits. They stopped at Sam’s car. They remained standing, seemingly reluctant to end the evening. There had been a few “wells” and “it’s getting lates” traded when Cassandra suddenly exclaimed, “Oh!”
Everyone looked at her.
“I almost forgot that I have something for you,” she said to Sarah. Opening the passenger door, she retrieved a small box. “I thought you might like another supply of tea to take with you when you go,” she said giving it to Sarah.
“Thank you Cassie. That was thoughtful of you.” Sarah leaned down to hug her.
“Good luck,” Cassandra told her.
“Thank you. Good luck to you too. Take care of yourself,” Sarah said softly.
“We really should be going,” Sam said, opening the driver’s side door. “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”
After trading a few more good-byes, Sarah and Cassandra left.
Jack looked around at the other three. “Well, I’ll be going too. See you tomorrow. Goodnight kids,” he said pleasantly. He waved at them and walked to his truck.
Daniel drove Sarah and Teal’c back to the base. He accompanied them to their floor. Wishing the other two a good night, Teal’c went to his quarters. Daniel walked Sarah to her door. She stepped in and motioned for Daniel to follow.
“I’ve separated out the books and journals that need to go back to you. Why don’t I give them to you now, while I’m thinking of it?” She pointed them out on the corner of the table.
“Thanks.”
Daniel walked over to the table. He remained standing there. Daniel and Sarah looked at each other. Both seemed to be searching for words. At last, Sarah ended the silence.
“Why don’t you have a seat?” Sarah invited. “Keep me company for awhile. I’ll brew up a pot of tea.”
“Okay,” Daniel smiled.
Sarah busied herself with her supplies. Before long, they were both sitting down with cups of tea.
“So,” Daniel said. “Your last night.”
“My last night,” Sarah said.
They sat quietly, sipping their tea.
“And you found it absolutely necessary to tell the Peruvian rodeo story at dinner?” Daniel asked, sounding aggrieved.
“Yes. I don’t think I’ve fully taken advantage of the opportunity to share embarrassing stories from your past. I thought I’d better get one in quickly,” Sarah twinkled at him.
Daniel sighed. “I’m never going to hear the end of this from Jack.”
“Oh I’m sure he’ll get tired of it after a day or two,” Sarah said airily.
“Yeah, sure.” Daniel said doubtfully, but without rancor.
Sarah poured another cup of tea for him as a peace offering. He noticed a box on the table.
What’s that?”
“Cupcakes. They had a little going away part for my this afternoon and left me with the leftovers. Want one?”
“I don’t mind if I do.”
They settled in for tea and cupcakes. The night slipped away as they chatted easily, reminiscing about old times and old jokes. They enjoyed the relaxed companionability of an old friendship. Hours later Daniel yawned and looked at his watch. It was 4:00.
“Well, you’ve got a big day tomorrow. Or, I guess it’s today now,” he corrected himself, standing up. “You should get some sleep.”
Sarah stood up too. “I didn’t realize it had gotten so late. Time flies.” She walked Daniel to the door. “Don’t forget your books,” she said handing them to him.
He took them from her, nodding his thanks. “I’ll see you later.”
“Have a good night Daniel.” She closed the door gently behind him.
Sarah did a quick cleanup of the tea supplies and threw away the now empty box that had once held cupcakes. She looked at the few items that still needed to be packed but decided to finish that up later. Yawning and content, she went to bed.
Her sleep was interrupted once by bad dreams. It was her worst recurring nightmare, the one where she tortured and killed all of the people she had ever known and loved. She woke up in a cold sweat. This time, though, she was able to turn away the worst thoughts and fears that usually followed her nightmares. It wasn’t me, she reminded herself. I wouldn’t do those things. I’m going to a place that the Goa’uld can’t follow. I’m safe now. Her breathing steadied. She felt herself begin to relax. I’m safe now. The words calmed her. With a small smile and a thought of gratitude for the people who had rescued her--not only from Osiris, but also from her own despair--she fell into a peaceful sleep.
**************************************
part 1
part 2
part 4
After a light supper she returned to her quarters and allowed herself to actively consider the thoughts that had been lurking in the back of her mind throughout the afternoon. The more she thought about Jack’s relocation idea, the more it intrigued her. Conflicting emotions battled each other. On the one hand, to go felt like giving up and running away. On the other hand she weighed the appeal of making a fresh start in a new place. The more time she spent back on Earth, the more detached she felt. Rather than diminishing, the feeling that she didn’t belong anywhere had only grown over time.
Sarah had not realized how trapped she felt until the prospect of leaving had been presented as a viable option. She cared about Daniel. She was growing to care for his friends and colleagues--her colleagues now. She had grown to appreciate the work done at the SGC and her part in it. Even so, it wasn’t her work. It was something she had drifted into while at a crossroad. Nothing about it stirred any passion within her. The more she thought about it, the more clear it became to her that she no longer had any real ties to anything.
She turned her mind to a third possibility: leaving the SGC but staying on Earth. She could pick up her old life, or a semblance of it. That might be the healthiest thing to do, she thought. Other people don’t have the luxury of moving across the galaxy. They just put their heads down and get on with it. Why shouldn’t I do that too? Once presented to her, however, the lure of a complete break with the past was difficult to resist. She had been away so long that Earth now seemed almost like a foreign place to her. It was a place she recognized, one she loved, but it was not quite home anymore. The thought of facing people she had once known, the knowledge that the parasite that had infected her had killed her mentor and attacked her colleague filled her with dread. She would never be able to look at the world around her in the same way, look at the people that she had once known in the same way--nor they her. I can fight to reclaim my life here, she thought, but do I even want to? The answer came to her with the greatest clarity than anything since Osiris’s removal: No.
Having reached what now seemed to her to be an inevitable and obvious conclusion, a feeling of serenity came over Sarah. She smiled slightly to herself, turned out the light, and climbed into bed. She would sleep on it, she thought, and see how she felt the next day. If she did decide to go, telling Daniel would be difficult. She knew that he would be disappointed. That was not a conversation that she looked forward to, but she hoped that he would understand. She sighed and fell into a dreamless sleep.
She hopped out of bed the next morning with an unaccustomed energy. I’ve got options, she remembered. I guess I’ve always had options, but I’ve got a new one. And one that’s actually attractive to me. She moved around her quarters performing her normal morning routine. As she fixed her hair, she broke off suddenly and stared at herself in the mirror, surprised. She had been humming to herself. Humming! She laughed a little then picked up the tune again, finished with her hair, put on her shoes, and walked cheerfully out of her quarters.
She entered the commissary, picked up some fruit and cereal and sat down to eat. She mulled Jack’s offer over again as she ate. I can leave, she thought. I can go someplace where nobody has any expectations. I can start over. The prospect of leaving had brought on an exciting feeling of optimism. There’s a way out. I can leave. I can come back later if I want. I have choices. The realization hit her like a bolt of lightning. I have choices she repeated to herself. A new realization followed on the heels of the last one. I’ve made my choice. It’s time to go. Breakfast finished, she disposed of her tray and left the commissary.
Wanting to see if doubts set in once the first rush of her decision wore off, Sarah decided not to say anything to anyone yet. She stopped by Daniel’s office to see if he had returned to the base. He was not there. She debated whether to pick up with Daniel’s project and then decided to return to her own work. If Daniel wanted her to continue, he would let her know. Besides, she wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk to him just yet. She walked down the hall to the lab that housed her work area, prepared a cup of tea, and began studying the artifacts that one of the SG teams had brought back from an abandoned planet.
As the morning went on more people showed up to work. It was one of those days when everyone was in a sociable mood. Good morning pleasantries progressed to general chatter and office gossip. Sarah made occasional contributions to the conversation but mostly she was content to observe with a smile. I’ll miss this, she thought. With a start she realized that she was already thinking of her time at the SGC in the past tense. She had become friendly with these people she worked with and she liked them, but those feelings were not strong enough to pull her back. It was, she thought, like the feelings one has toward classmates that you like but know you won’t see again after graduation.
**************************************
Sarah enjoyed a pleasant lunch with her coworkers. As the group left the commissary, Jack walked in carrying a stack of files. Sarah and Jack traded nods and continued on their paths. She returned to the lab, but after a few minutes of work she put down the artifact that she had been examining. She stared into space for a few minutes, lost in thought. She took a deep breath, stood up, and departed for the commissary.
She stopped at the door to the cafeteria. Looking around the room, she spotted Jack in the far corner. He had gotten his food and was distractedly eating while studying one of the files he had brought with him. She watched him for a moment, then threaded her way through the tables until reaching his. She paused at the chair across the table from him. Apparently occupied with his reading, he did not seem to know that she was there. Or maybe, Sarah thought, he’s just ignoring me and hoping that I’ll go away. She shrugged and sat down.
The movement of Sarah taking a seat caught Jack’s attention and he looked up with a slight frown. Seeing who had joined him, Jack’s face softened into a more welcoming expression.
“Sarah.” He closed the file he had been reading and gave her his full attention. “You look like you’re having a good day.”
“I am.” She offered a smile that lit up her whole face. A laugh bubbled up and escaped before she could suppress it.
Jack watched her genially. “What can I do for you?”
“I’ve been thinking,” Sarah started then halted.
“Oh, good for you. I try to avoid that when I can,” Jack said filling the silence.
Sarah narrowed her eyes at him. Jack gave her a bland look in return.
Anyway, Sarah picked up again, “I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had yesterday.” She stopped again.
“Yes?”
“Have Daniel, Teal’c, and Sam gotten back yet?”
Jack looked nonplussed. “I didn’t think that was where you were going with that.”
“I wasn’t,” Sarah admitted. “I just remembered that I hadn’t seen Daniel today. He’d indicated that he didn’t think he’d be gone for more than the day. I wondered if everything was all right.”
Jack looked mildly perturbed. “Oh, yes, they’re fine. The report I got was a little confused, so I don’t really know yet what happened. Apparently they needed to do some clean up, so they stayed an extra day. They should get back sometime tonight.”
“Well that’s good then. There was some discussion down in the lab about whether they’d gotten into trouble.”
“Did they lay odds on whether Daniel had died?”
Sarah stared at him. “How did you know?”
“Speculation about whether or not Daniel is dead, again, is one of the base hobbies. I think the only person who’s not aware of it is Daniel.”
Sarah giggled. “I was a little taken aback when they started talking about it, but then I got that it was just a joke. We figured if something had really happened to any of them we would have heard about it in some way.”
“The grape vine being what it is, that’s a fairly safe guess,” Jack agreed.
“Getting back to the reason that I came over here. As I said, I’ve been thinking about our conversation.” Sarah paused again.
“Yes,” Jack prompted.
“I want to take you up on it. I don’t know whether I’m leaving for a few days, a few weeks, or forever, but I want to go. I need to get away. I need to be someplace where I can figure out who I am now.”
“I think you’re making a good choice.”
“And you believe that I’ll be accepted there?” Sarah asked anxiously.
“I’m sure,” Jack told her. “I talked to General Hammond about this yesterday afternoon. He agreed that it might be a good idea for you to relocate. I also took a quick trip to Cimmeria. I spoke with one of our main contacts there and explained the situation. She assured me that you would be welcome. It’ll be a rougher existence there than you’re used to, but you’ll be safe.”
Sarah had not realized that she had been holding her breath until she exhaled with relief at Jack’s assurances.
“Understand that this will not automatically solve all of your problems,” he cautioned. “You may get there and not like it. Or you may get there and find that not as much has changed as you hoped. I suspect that part of what you’re dealing with is plain old post traumatic stress disorder. And that’s just going to take time.”
“I understand,” Sarah said soberly. “I don’t like running away, but I need to make a change. I think I need to try this.”
“It’s not running away to try to find the place where you can get better. You’ll have more personal space there. You won’t be constantly having to answer the concerned “how are you” questions,” Jack offered.
Sarah’s eyes widened in surprised recognition. “I hadn’t realized how tired I was of that question until you brought it up. I know that it’s meant well, but...”
“Somehow it makes you feel worse,” Jack finished.
Sarah nodded.
They fell into a silent understanding.
“When can arrangements be made?” Sarah broke the silence.
Jack considered. “We could do it quickly. The day after tomorrow, maybe. That will give you time to break the news to Daniel and for him to protest. Which I expect that he will--strenuously. People will want a chance to say good-bye. I don’t see why we couldn’t do it sometime this week if you want.”
“Let’s try for that. Now that the decision is made, I’m ready to get on with it.”
Jack nodded his understanding. “I’ll let General Hammond know.”
“I’ll tell Daniel first thing tomorrow,” Sarah added. “I think he should know first. After that I’m sure word will get around.”
“As words do,” Jack agreed.
Sarah nodded and smiled. “I guess that’s settled then. I’ll get back to work and let you do the same.” She stood up.
Jack also stood up, picking up his coffee cup. “Yes, these reports won’t read themselves. Unfortunately. This calls for more coffee.”
They waved at each other and he moved toward the coffee station while Sarah walked toward the exit.
Sarah returned to the lab. Ignoring the curious looks of her lab mates, she got back to work. The remainder of the day passed quickly. Absorbed in her work, quitting time came before she knew it. She looked up in astonishment as Kate and Scott packed up their work stations and prepared to leave.
“Is it that time already?” Sarah asked.
Scott looked amused. “It’s past time, actually,” he said. “You must have really been involved with what you were doing. I don’t think you heard a thing that happened this afternoon.”
Sarah gave him a rueful smile. “I was. SG-8 brought back some interesting things from their last mission,” she said with a hint of defensiveness.
“Hey, I wasn’t criticizing. It’s always good to see someone engaged in their work,” Scott laughed.
Sarah laughed back.
“Last one out turns out the lights,” Kate singsonged, walking toward the door. Scott followed her.
“Will do,” Sarah told them. “Have a good night.”
“Good night,” Scott answered.
“See you tomorrow,” Kate added.
Sarah finished up with the artifact that she had been studying. Twenty minutes later, she turned out the lights, pulling the door closed.
Sarah entered her quarters energized by having a plan and destination of her own choosing. What to do with that energy? She eyed the closet, dresser, and the items scattered around the room. There was sorting to be done.
On the leave side: the books and articles that needed to be returned to Daniel; the mystery novels to return to Sam; various papers and notes that she had saved for no discernible reason, it’s amazing how much detritus a person can accumulate in a few weeks, she marveled; the more formal clothing, shoes, and--because they didn’t belong to her anyway--the various sets of BDUs.
On the keep side: the copies of the Harry Potter books she had bought for herself after returning Teal’c’s--she patted them affectionately, still amused that it was Teal’c of all people, who shared her love for the books; the mystery novels that she had purchased, various combs, brushes, and lotions; her casual and comfortable clothes. After further consideration, she furtively moved the blue BDUs to the keep side. They are comfortable. And blue is my color she rationalized. And most importantly, her tea leaves, teapot, and infuser were set aside to take along.
Satisfied with her sorting work, Sarah engaged in a session of kel’no’reem to help her relax. She whiled away the rest of the evening with a book.
**************************************
Sarah woke up early the next morning and got in the workout that she had skipped the day before. After a shower and breakfast, she made her way to floor 18 in search of Daniel. She walked nervously down the corridor and peeked into Daniel’s lab. He was there, examining the contents of a binder. She knocked on the door and crossed the threshold.
Daniel looked up. “Sarah! Good morning.”
“Good morning. When did you get back?”
“Last night.”
“How was your trip?”
Daniel’s face clouded. Sarah walked over to the table where he was sitting.
“That bad?” she asked.
Daniel nodded glumly. “It was an experiment gone horribly wrong. An agency manipulated DNA to create a human/goa’uld hybrid. They proceeded to use and abuse her to try to learn secrets about the Goa’uld, until the Goa’uld part of her got the upper hand, killed all but one person in the facility and set the timer on a bomb that could have taken out a large portion of Orange County.”
“I assume the bomb didn’t detonate, since I didn’t hear anything about it on the news?”
“No. Anna--the human part of the hybrid--was able to call up enough memories to help us stop the countdown.”
“How is she now?” she asked.
“She killed the last surviving man, and then herself.”
“What?”
“The guy was the one who had headed up the project. And they didn’t create her for long term survival. She would have died a painful death soon anyway. So I suppose in some ways the ending is all for the best,” Daniel sighed. He looked unconvinced.
Sarah was sickened. “That’s... I don’t even know what to say. That’s horrible.”
“It was. I was not prepared for that.” Daniel closed his eyes and shook his head.
Daniel opened his eyes and deliberately changed the subject. “Do you want to get together later? It’s been awhile. Indian food tonight?”
Sarah smiled. “That would be nice.”
“Good.”
There was a brief, warm silence. Then--
“Daniel--”
“Hey, I was--”
They both stopped. After a round of “you firsts,” Daniel began again.
“I was just reading over the work that you were doing for me. It looks great. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time.”
“It just took finding someone to do it for you,” Sarah teased.
“I was planning to do it myself,” Daniel protested.
“Funny how it just happened to be on the same day you were called away.” She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. Daniel’s trip had been an unpleasant one.
He did not take offense. “It just worked out that way, that’s all.” He gave her a mischievous grin.
“Uh huh,” She grinned back at him.
Daniel ducked his head and began flipping through the binder. “Besides,” he said, “it’s not like you’re so perfect anyway. I’m going to have to go through and correct your spelling.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’ve left “u”s all over the place. Col-ower, hon-ower,” he exaggeratedly pronounced for her.
“No appreciation for my efforts to class things up for you,” she fake huffed.
“Hey, I’ve got more class than I know what to do with. Useless “u”s aren’t going to add anything in that department.
Sarah dimpled at him. They had had variations of this argument many times in years past. Her smile faded a little. “I’m leaving,” she said abruptly.
“Can’t take the heat, can you?” he joked.
“No, Daniel. I’m leaving,” she repeated.
“What do you mean?”
She walked across the room, closed the door, then came back to sit beside Daniel. “I didn’t mean to blurt it out quite like that,” she apologized. “But I did want to tell you first. I’m not staying here.”
“You’re going back to academia?” he asked.
She took a deep breath. “No. I’m leaving Earth. At least for awhile.”
“But... what... where?” he stammered.
“I’m sorry Daniel. I just can’t do this anymore. Jack and I had a long talk the other day. He brought up the option of relocation. I’m going to Cimmeria.”
“Why? I thought things seemed to be going well.”
“I suppose.” She took a deep breath and began to explain. “Ever since that thing was removed from me, I’ve felt out of place and lost. I don’t have any family remaining. To everyone outside of this facility, I’m long presumed dead and gone. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great place. It’s wonderful to be around you.” She paused for a few seconds. “But just about every day that I’ve been here, I’ve felt like an invisible weight is crushing me just a little bit more.”
Daniel looked both hurt and disappointed. “It really hasn’t been that long. Is leaving the answer?”
“Maybe not. But it feels right. I thought it would get better, but if anything the nightmares and anxiety have gotten progressively worse. Every day here is like one long reminder of what happened to me. I’ve been here for what? two months? In that time there’s been death, near-death, violence... Every incident makes things that much harder.”
“I wish you’d told me some of this before.”
“I should have. I didn’t mean to be dishonest,” she said regretfully. “I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“You could tell Jack?”
Sarah nodded.
“But not me?”
“Jack happened by when I was near a breakdown, and we started talking. I think he’d guessed a lot before I even said anything.”
“And he wanted to send you away?” Daniel sounded cross.
“He suggested the idea. By the next day I knew what I wanted. This may not be a long term solution, but for now I believe that it’s the right one.”
“I’m still not sure I understand why you didn’t think you could come to me.”
“I’m not sure how to explain it. But, you’re almost too close. I just... I didn’t know how to tell you... When I’m around you... It... it makes me feel bad that I don’t feel better.”
Daniel looked shocked. “I make you feel that way?”
Sarah hastened to clarify. “It’s not you, it’s me.” She rolled her eyes at herself. “Oh God. I know how trite that sounds,” she said sadly. “I’ll try to explain. I’ve been trying to be Sarah Gardner, but, honestly, I don’t know who that is anymore. I said before that people on the outside think I’m dead. They’re not far wrong. I’m not the same person that I was three years ago. I don’t think that I can be that person. Or if I want to be that person. Too much has happened. I think... I think I need to be someplace where nobody has any expectations of me because of who I was. A new start in a new place is very appealing. And Jack assures me that we’ll still be in contact with each other. So this won’t be a permanent good-bye.
“It sounds like your mind is made up.”
“It is. I hope you’ll support me on this.”
Daniel sighed. “I think a part of me knew that you weren’t happy, but I hoped that you would find a home here. If you’re sure this is what you want, of course I won’t stand in your way. I’m going to to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you too.”
“When are you leaving?”
“It hasn’t been fixed yet, but soon. WIthin the next couple of days, I think.”
“Wow, that soon.” Daniel seemed shellshocked by the entire conversation.
“I know this is sudden, but now that the decision is made, I want to get on with it.”
“I understand,” he said not looking entirely like he did.
Sarah stood up. “Well, I’m not gone yet, and at least for the next day or so I’ve got a job to do.”
Daniel stood up too. He pulled her into a hug. “I can’t pretend that I’m not disappointed, but you’ll always have my support, no matter what.”
“Thank you, Daniel. That means a lot to me. Are we still having dinner tonight?”
“I think we’d better take the chance while we can. Besides, this may be your last opportunity for curry for a long time. You’re sure you don’t want to reconsider? Not even for curry?” he cajoled.
“Not even for curry.” They traded small, melancholy smiles.
Sarah walked away.
**************************************
Daniel unhappily followed Sarah’s departure with his eyes. He had enjoyed having Sarah back in his life. It was a tie to the time before the SGC existed, before he had seen the stargate, before he had blown up his reputation with his theories about pyramids and landing pads. He had not realized how much that tie had meant to him until he learned that it would end.
He heaved a sigh and directed his gaze back to his worktable. There were translations needing his attention. Daniel had been itching to get at the writing that SG-2 had found on P3X-439. With a little more force than necessary, he shelved the binders from the project that Sarah had done for him, pulled out a couple of reference books, a fresh legal pad, and switched on his computer.
The more he tried to focus on finding patterns and context in the text in front of him, the more he found his concentration wandering. He was quietly fuming. Learning that someone he cared about was leaving so soon after such a disturbing field trip was a blow. He knew that blame was pointless regarding Sarah’s departure, but he still cast his mind to assigning responsibility to someone. As Daniel was grappling with the issue, Jack walked in.
“Hey.” Jack said. He walked up to the worktable and leaned over it, resting his forearms on the surface.
“Jack,” Daniel answered, his voice chilly.
Jack raised his eyebrows fractionally at Daniel’s tone but otherwise ignored it. “So I’ve seen the reports of what went down in LA,” he said conversationally.
“Yes,” Daniel said curtly.
“Sounds like you had a time of it,” Jack commented.
“Yes, well, count on the NID to take a bad idea and make it worse.” Daniel had still not looked directly at Jack. “Just once I’d like to hear about an NID operation that involves harnessing the power of puppies for peace.”
“Come on. You know if they were in charge of operation like that it would probably involve sacrificing the puppies and then drinking their blood.”
“True.” Daniel’s lips twitched in spite of himself.
“So,” Jack said carefully. “I just saw Sarah. She said that she talked to you earlier.”
“Yes,” Daniel said in a tight voice. “I hear it was your idea to send her away.”
“I suggested leaving as an option to consider, yes.”
“Why?”
Jack sighed. “I thought you’d probably want to get into it.” He pushed himself up from the worktable, wincing slightly as he did so. His staff weapon injury was obviously still tender. He walked across the room and closed the door. Daniel glared. Jack walked back to the table.
“She was desperately unhappy. From what I can tell, she’s been hanging on by a thread.”
“We could have helped her. I could have helped her. You couldn’t advise her to stick it out?”
“It was one of the options on the table, just not the one she wanted.”
“And you think she chose the best one?”
“I do.”
“Again. Why?” Daniel asked with controlled frustration.
Jack took a few seconds to formulate his response. His voice was careful, measured as he laid out his reasoning. “She didn’t belong here. She doesn’t have a frame of reference for this place. Nothing in her life could have ever prepared her for being possessed by a Goa’uld. Going back to her old life isn’t really viable. Who out there can she talk to about what happened to her? Who would believe her if she could? She would have to try to rebuild her life while coming to terms with a past that she can’t share with anyone. She was unbelievably violated, and there’s little if anything out in the “real world” that’s likely to help her with that.”
“Yes, but that’s out there,” Daniel argued. “That doesn’t have to be true within the SGC.
“You know how I said that nothing in her life prepared her for being goa’ulded? There was also nothing in her life to prepare her for the realities of life within the SGC. After all that she went through and did as Goa’uld, she landed at the SGC. What has she seen here? More violence: death, disappearance, and injury. That hasn’t helped. She needs someplace safe, she needs some peace.
This is a safe place,” Daniel objected.
“But not a peaceful one,” Jack pointed out. “Not when you’re constantly worrying about who’s hurt, or who’s missing, or attending a memorial service.”
“But it’s only been a few weeks. It would have gotten better with time.”
“Probably,” Jack agreed. “With time we could make it work. But things don’t always have to be done the hard way. Living with reprehensible things that you’ve done is hard enough. If there’s a way to make things easier, why not take it?”
“She didn’t do those things,” Daniel corrected.
“Of course she didn’t, but she has the memories, which is near enough. You don’t know what it’s like to live with that.”
“And you do?”
Jack gave him a long, level look. They had entered into a topic that Jack never discussed and Daniel had never felt comfortable pursuing. Daniel dropped his eyes. He played with his coffee cup. Most of his anger had faded, but he was not ready to let the issue die. “Still,” he began.
Jack forestalled him. “There’s more,” he said quietly.
“What?” Daniel asked.
“I suggested relocation because I thought it would be helpful to her, but there’s something else. Since she’s choosing to leave, I don’t think Sarah needs to know this, but I’m not sure she’d be safe if she stayed.”
“What do you mean?” Daniel asked, perplexed.
“She’s a former Goa’uld. The NID has been wanting to get their hands on her since she’s been here.”
“She barely knows anything. The symbiote didn’t share.”
And yet,” Jack let the phrase hang.
“So why hasn’t this come up before?”
“It has. Hammond’s been able to hold them off so far,” Jack said. He picked up a jar and turned it over in his hands.
“Why is it an issue now?” Daniel took the jar out of Jack’s hands and placed it out of his reach.
“The NID's been sniffing around more than usual. This Woolsey guy seems to be a real go-getter. After everything that went wrong on 666 they’re getting more aggressive. A new president is coming into office, with our good "friend” Kinsey as vice-president. We can’t be sure right now that we’re going to have the protection we’ve had in the past. It seems reasonable to put her out of reach.”
“Oh.” The last of Daniel’s anger drained away. He had not considered the possibility of an NID threat. Now that Jack had brought it up it seemed obvious. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking of it on his own. “Okay,” he said conceding the issue. “Cimmeria, huh. How did you come up with that?”
“It’s a protected planet. Between that and Thor’s Hammer, it’s safe from the Goa’uld and Jaffa, so she can be confident that she won’t have to face them. She won’t run into people there who knew her as Osiris. They’re decent and accepting. I think she’ll do well there.”
“I can think of worse choices,” Daniel agreed. “When’s she leaving?”
“Tomorrow afternoon. Sarah and I talked after she left your office. SG-1 will take her. It’s all set.”
Daniel nodded. He gave Jack a conciliatory smile. Jack nodded at him. He patted out a drumbeat on the table with his hands, then telling Daniel that he would see him later, he left the room. Daniel stared sadly into space for awhile. He sighed. The writings weren’t going to translate themselves. He poured a cup of coffee and got back to work translating the writing from 439.
**************************************
The day passed in a whirlwind. Sarah let her colleagues know that she would be leaving the SGC and then got down to work. She wanted to to leave everything as complete as possible. She was so absorbed in her work that she did not even notice at mid-afternoon when people started gathering behind her in the lab.
She heard an exaggerated cough and looked to see half a dozen people standing around looking expectant.
“Surprise!” Kate said brightly.
“You didn’t leave us much time to organize your going away party, but we have cupcakes,” Tracey said.
Sarah smiled. “You didn’t have to do this,” she told them.
“You didn’t think we wouldn’t have a send off for you did you?” Tracey asked.
“Well I’ve only been here a few weeks...”
“That’s no reason to pass up an excuse for treats,” Scott said cheerily.
“Well it’s very sweet,” Sarah said.
“So are the cupcakes, so come have one,” Kate told her.
Sarah joined the group and picked up a treat. They spent the next hour chatting amiably. Sarah looked at the group around her, surprised and touched that they would take the time for an impromptu going away party. If the circumstances had been different she could have worked happily with them for a long time. She felt a pang of regret for what might have been. She wondered briefly if she had acted too hastily in deciding to leave, then dismissed the thought. The decision was made. She had never liked saying good-bye. She knew that, more than anything else, was what was leading to the conflicting emotions.
As the cupcakes dwindled, the party gradually broke up. Each person wished Sarah well before leaving the room. They insisted that the few remaining treats go with her. As Ben told her, they would be a brief touch of something familiar when she went to her new home.
The final minutes of the workday ticked away as Sarah put the finishing touches on her work. She gave Kate a brief overview of how she had left everything and then prepared to leave. She, Kate, and Scott exchanged warm glances as they paused at the lab entrance.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for on Cimmeria,” Scott said.
“Thank you,” Sarah answered.
“We’ll miss you,” Kate told her. “It was nice working with you for these past weeks.”
“It was a pleasure working with you too,” Sarah told them. “You do work to be proud of here. I’m proud to say that I was part of it for awhile.”
They smiled at each other.
“Be well,” Kate said.
“Good luck,” Scott added.
“Thank you,” Sarah said. “Good night.”
“Good-bye,” Scott said.
“Bye,” Kate echoed.
The two of them walked toward the elevator. Sarah stood watching them for a moment. She pulled the door to the lab closed. There was a finality to the sound of the door latching shut. She turned and walked in the direction of Daniel’s lab. She stood for a moment in the doorway as she watched him work. It was going to be hard to say good-bye to him.
She knocked on the door and walked in the room.
“Hey,” Daniel said.
“Hey, yourself. We’re still on for tonight?”
“Yeah. You want to leave in an hour or so?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll stop by your quarters to pick you up?”
“That’ll be fine.” Sarah turned to leave.
“Hey, Sam called a few minutes ago. She told Cassie that you’re leaving and she’d like to see you before you go. I told her they should come to dinner with us. Is that okay?” Daniel asked.
“Of course. I’m glad to get the chance to see her. I’ll see you in a bit.”
On the way to her quarters, Sarah ran into Teal’c.
“I understand that you are leaving us,” Teal’c said.
“Tomorrow afternoon,” she confirmed.
“You are going to Cimmeria?”
“Yes.”
“It is a good place. I believe that you can be happy there.”
“Thank you Teal’c. I hope so. I think I need the change.”
They had reached the door to her quarters. Teal’c started to walk toward his own room. Sarah called him back. “Daniel, Sam, Cassandra, and I are having dinner tonight. Would you like to join us?”
Teal’c looked pleased. “I would be honored,” he told her.
Daniel’s coming by to get me in an hour. Why don’t you wait with me?”
Teal’c joined her in her room. Daniel found them there when he knocked on her door an hour and half later.
“There you are,” Sarah said.
“Ready?” Daniel asked.
“I was ready thirty minutes ago when you said you’d be here,” Sarah said with a pointed look at the clock, but she was smiling as she spoke. “By the way, Teal’c’s coming with us.”
“Great. So’s Jack. I ran into him at the elevator and asked him if he wanted to come.”
“So it’s be a regular party tonight,” Sarah commented.
“It will be fun,” Teal’c said gravely.
A plaintive shout came from the distance. “Is there a plan to actually leave?”
Daniel rolled his eyes. “Hold your horses Jack, we’re on the way,” he called back.
“I’m already holding the elevator. I’m hungry. Let’s go!”
“I’m hungry too,” Sarah laughed. She and Teal’c stood up and walked toward the door.
“We’re coming,” Daniel said in an exasperated voice as he preceded the other two down the hall. “Happy now?” he asked as he arrived at Jack’s side.
“Ecstatic.”
Sarah and Teal’c caught up and boarded the elevator. Daniel and Jack continued to trade sardonic looks as the doors closed.
The ensuing moment of silence was broken by Teal’c. “Perhaps it would be helpful if someone would press the the button for the first floor,” he suggested.
Jack, who was standing by the panel, pressed the button with unnecessary vigor and glared at a smirking Daniel. Teal’c appeared to find something fascinating in the upper corner of the car. Sarah stifled giggles.
Thirty minutes later they arrived at the restaurant. They met Sam and Cassandra who were waiting for them in the lobby. In short order the six of them were seated at a table looking at menus. A gentle sense of bonhomie fell over the group. They ordered, received, and lingered over their food. The discussion ranged from Cassie’s upcoming college year, to past adventures of the team, to starting over in new places.
It was the best night Sarah had had since being back on Earth. She felt a warm affection for her dinner companions as she looked around the table. She had looked forward to making a fresh start, but she was suddenly seized with apprehension at going into the unknown, filled with unknown people.
“Are you worried about moving to a new world?” Sarah was unsure whether Teal’c had sensed her nervousness or if coincidence led to the question.
“A little,” she admitted. “Suddenly it seems so far away.”
“I too have relocated to a different world from my home,” Teal’c said. “I came here because I could no longer stay where I was. Chulak will always be the home of my heart, but Earth has become my home too. Cimmeria can become a home for you.”
“It will,” Cassie piped up with her own reassurance. “I was able to find a home on a new world too. You’ll get along okay.”
“With the stargate we’re only ever a step away,” Sam added. “It’s not like you’re going into exile. If it doesn’t work out for you there, you can come back easily enough.”
Daniel gave Jack a quick look at the use of the word exile. Jack studiously avoided his glance, keeping his attention on Sarah. He looked at her thoughtfully. “It’s normal to be nervous about something like this. I think when you get there you’ll be able to find your way.”
Sarah smiled at him. “And if I don’t, Earth is just a step away.”
“Just a step away.” Jack gave her one of his rare smiles in return.
Daniel looked around. The restaurant had emptied. The staff was starting to send meaningful looks in their direction. “Uh, I think it’s time to settle up the check,” he said.
The bill was passed around as individuals tried to identify their portions. As Sam started painstakingly dividing out what each person owed, Jack gave an impatient sigh and plucked the bill out of her hand.
“Oh for crying out loud! The rest of you just chip in for the tip.” He pulled a credit card from his wallet and waved it in the direction of the waitress.
Daniel gave Sam a surreptitious thumbs up. “Way to go,” he mouthed at her. Sam grinned back at him. Sarah looked away to keep from laughing. Perhaps sensing the private communications going on behind him, Jack turned back toward them with a frown.
Teal’c headed him off with a change of subject. “Do we have any missions coming up?” he asked.
Jack switched his suspicious glare from Sam and Daniel to Teal’c. Teal’c met his gaze with an expression of polite interest.
“No. I’ve been told that it’s going to be another couple of days before I’m cleared for field duty. Other than escorting Sarah to Cimmeria, there’s nothing on the schedule.”
“You’re all going with me?” Sarah asked.
“If you want us to,” Jack told her.
“Please. I would appreciate that.”
“Then we will,” Daniel said lightly.
The waitress brought Jack’s credit card and printout to the table. Jack signed the receipt and put his card away commenting, “since your plan to stick me with the bill worked, I expect the rest of you to be generous with the tip.” He stood up to put on his jacket. Daniel and Sam traded sheepish looks. When Sarah and Cassandra laughed out loud, Jack winked at them.
The group walked out to the parking lot in good spirits. They stopped at Sam’s car. They remained standing, seemingly reluctant to end the evening. There had been a few “wells” and “it’s getting lates” traded when Cassandra suddenly exclaimed, “Oh!”
Everyone looked at her.
“I almost forgot that I have something for you,” she said to Sarah. Opening the passenger door, she retrieved a small box. “I thought you might like another supply of tea to take with you when you go,” she said giving it to Sarah.
“Thank you Cassie. That was thoughtful of you.” Sarah leaned down to hug her.
“Good luck,” Cassandra told her.
“Thank you. Good luck to you too. Take care of yourself,” Sarah said softly.
“We really should be going,” Sam said, opening the driver’s side door. “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”
After trading a few more good-byes, Sarah and Cassandra left.
Jack looked around at the other three. “Well, I’ll be going too. See you tomorrow. Goodnight kids,” he said pleasantly. He waved at them and walked to his truck.
Daniel drove Sarah and Teal’c back to the base. He accompanied them to their floor. Wishing the other two a good night, Teal’c went to his quarters. Daniel walked Sarah to her door. She stepped in and motioned for Daniel to follow.
“I’ve separated out the books and journals that need to go back to you. Why don’t I give them to you now, while I’m thinking of it?” She pointed them out on the corner of the table.
“Thanks.”
Daniel walked over to the table. He remained standing there. Daniel and Sarah looked at each other. Both seemed to be searching for words. At last, Sarah ended the silence.
“Why don’t you have a seat?” Sarah invited. “Keep me company for awhile. I’ll brew up a pot of tea.”
“Okay,” Daniel smiled.
Sarah busied herself with her supplies. Before long, they were both sitting down with cups of tea.
“So,” Daniel said. “Your last night.”
“My last night,” Sarah said.
They sat quietly, sipping their tea.
“And you found it absolutely necessary to tell the Peruvian rodeo story at dinner?” Daniel asked, sounding aggrieved.
“Yes. I don’t think I’ve fully taken advantage of the opportunity to share embarrassing stories from your past. I thought I’d better get one in quickly,” Sarah twinkled at him.
Daniel sighed. “I’m never going to hear the end of this from Jack.”
“Oh I’m sure he’ll get tired of it after a day or two,” Sarah said airily.
“Yeah, sure.” Daniel said doubtfully, but without rancor.
Sarah poured another cup of tea for him as a peace offering. He noticed a box on the table.
What’s that?”
“Cupcakes. They had a little going away part for my this afternoon and left me with the leftovers. Want one?”
“I don’t mind if I do.”
They settled in for tea and cupcakes. The night slipped away as they chatted easily, reminiscing about old times and old jokes. They enjoyed the relaxed companionability of an old friendship. Hours later Daniel yawned and looked at his watch. It was 4:00.
“Well, you’ve got a big day tomorrow. Or, I guess it’s today now,” he corrected himself, standing up. “You should get some sleep.”
Sarah stood up too. “I didn’t realize it had gotten so late. Time flies.” She walked Daniel to the door. “Don’t forget your books,” she said handing them to him.
He took them from her, nodding his thanks. “I’ll see you later.”
“Have a good night Daniel.” She closed the door gently behind him.
Sarah did a quick cleanup of the tea supplies and threw away the now empty box that had once held cupcakes. She looked at the few items that still needed to be packed but decided to finish that up later. Yawning and content, she went to bed.
Her sleep was interrupted once by bad dreams. It was her worst recurring nightmare, the one where she tortured and killed all of the people she had ever known and loved. She woke up in a cold sweat. This time, though, she was able to turn away the worst thoughts and fears that usually followed her nightmares. It wasn’t me, she reminded herself. I wouldn’t do those things. I’m going to a place that the Goa’uld can’t follow. I’m safe now. Her breathing steadied. She felt herself begin to relax. I’m safe now. The words calmed her. With a small smile and a thought of gratitude for the people who had rescued her--not only from Osiris, but also from her own despair--she fell into a peaceful sleep.
**************************************
part 1
part 2
part 4