There are always choices

[smg01]

Seven years ago this month, my parents, older brother, and I spent a weekend at a family gathering. Monday morning after we had come home my parents got a call from someone my brother worked with saying that he hadn't shown up as usual that morning. This commenced a couple of days of mom and dad calling friends, hospitals, jails in the area trying to locate him. Once enough time had passed to put out a missing person report, his car was located several states away. And then he was located a couple of hundred yards away from the car, in the spot where he had taken his life.

Mike's suicide was a complete shock to us and to all of his friends. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, there are indications that he was struggling with depression. But it wasn't obvious at the time. He hid it very well. He was also in something of a pickle financially and the brief note that he left behind would seem to indicate that that was a large factor in his decision. But we'll never really know for sure. All we can do is make the best guesses and come to the conclusions that seem the most reasonable.

I pretty much came to terms with all of the above quite some time ago. But it provides the background for what I want to write about today. Which is this: if you're ever in trouble to extent that taking your life seems like the best option, please, look for help. I still remember conversations that I had with some of Mike's friends after the suicide. They were devastated and bewildered and hurt. One of them kept saying to me: "why didn't he talk to me? He could have told me anything. I would have done anything for him." I don't know if Mike was too proud, too embarrassed, too ashamed, or just too scared to ask for help. But the real shame is that he didn't. He would have found more help than he would have known what to do with.

In bullet form, here are some of the things I've been thinking about over the last week or so:

*Aside from death, few things last forever. Sadly, good times don't. But neither do bad times. If you're in a pit right now, I don't know when things will get better. I don't know if it will be next week, next month, or next year. But I do know that it will get better. I want you to be there when it happens.

*If you think your death will make things easier for the people you leave behind, let me disabuse you of the notion. What you leave behind is pain, doubt, and self-recriminations.

*Time will often bring solutions that don't seem available or obvious in the near term. If you keep fighting through, the chances are good that you'll find them.

And here's the thing that I want to say above and beyond everything else. And I probably could have skipped all of the prelude and cheerleadery bullet points and gone right to it. If you're in trouble, ask for help. We all need it sometimes. There's no shame in it. Mike had options before him, but he couldn't see them. And he didn't talk to anybody, so nobody had the chance to point them out, or give him a hand. If he had reached out, his story would have had a much different ending. So please, ask for help if you need it. You'd probably be surprised at how much people want to help--if only they know that you need it. Sometimes people don't realize that someone they care about is in trouble until they're explicitly told.

I know this is long. And probably over-dramatic, and maybe just a little bit corny and simplistic to boot. But it's been on my mind and heart lately and I felt the need to put it out there. When weighing the option of whether to take your own life, please remember that there are other choices out there. Better choices. Explore those better choices.

Comments

[kalquessa.livejournal.com]

I just want to say YES, THAT, EXACTLY to all of this.

Someone close to me tried (and failed) to take their own life last year, and while the emotional aftermath of the attempt has been messy and horrible, I've never stopped being thankful that this person got to see how much help other people were willing to offer them, when I know others have never had that chance. As you say, it can be difficult to see and even harder to ask for, but the love and support are there.

So yeah, thanks for posting this. It is very, very true.

[/not-entirely-coherent reply]

[suzannemarie.livejournal.com]

I've never stopped being thankful that this person got to see how much help other people were willing to offer them

Second chances are a beautiful thing. I hope the person in your life finds brighter days ahead.

[texaslawchick.livejournal.com]

(((HUGS))) Thank you for this.

[evilprettykitty.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, I knew your bother had died, but I never knew how. But yes. There is always someone who will listen.

[adrililith.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}} Thank you.

[bronzerpumpkin.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm in comment mode today, but it seems to be a good day for it. I cannot believe that was seven years ago. I cannot believe I've KNOWN YOU, in a round-about way, for more than SEVEN YEARS, and that I've known that story for seven years.

But that message cannot be heard enough, so I'm glad you thought to share it again.

{{{hugs}}}

[suzannemarie.livejournal.com]

Well, hey! It's a long lost pumpkin! :) (It doesn't seem possible that it's been seven years, does it?)